JEN: Attention, Ebates shoppers…
DIANA: (channeling Bono) “Uno, Dos, Tres… Catorce! (14?) Hallo… hallo…”
DIANA: My parents used to tell me that they got me as a baby at a Blue Light Special.
JEN: That reminds me…did you hear about the meth heads who tried to sell their baby outside a Wal-Mart? Too bad your parents weren’t there, cuz the baby was a bargain, only $25! And Ebates has a 1% cash back deal with Wal-Mart, so…
DIANA: They also could’ve put it on eBay, which has a 1-3% Ebate.
JEN: The meth really clouded their judgment.
DIANA: Hear that, kids? Just say NO.
JEN: Enough about discount babies, what did you buy using our Ebates cashola?
DIANA: Well…first, I had to get a replacement foundation for the one I lost in Oklahoma last month. Sigh. Somewhere in the rural backwoods of Tulsa, some hotel employee is walking around with a really dewy, smooth, flawless complexion. Bitch! It’s the Chanel Vitalumière in 41, Natural Beige. SPF 15, so I don’t get too tan in the face and look, as my Hardass Asian Grandma would say, “like a worker.”
JEN: You are naturally tan in the face though!
DIANA: Yeah. My grandma always frowned and made the clucking sound: “Ohhhh… you would be so beautiful… if not so tan.”
JEN: Asian grandmas LOVE to make that clucking sound. Where’d you get the not-too-tan-in-the-face foundation?
DIANA: I tried at Sephora, but they didn’t have it, so I found it at Nordstrom. 5% back.
JEN: Oooooh. What’s sitting in your Ebates account now?
DIANA: Well, $8.88 (the free money for signing up) because I just bought everything yesterday. It takes 48 hours for some vendors to register your purchase, apparently. But you bought your stuff last week, right?
JEN: Okay, see, that’s the diff between you and me. We get this sponsorship to basically shop with somebody else’s money, and, like, I don’t need to be told twice to spend SOMEBODY ELSE’S MONEY, so I bought my shit the very next day, right after I did my post. And instead of buying a few things here and a few things here, I blew my whole wad on one thing: CLOGS. Because you know I’m having a clogs moment.
DIANA: You live for clogs. You may live IN clogs. I live for the day when you give me those clogs.
JEN: Yeah, it’s like, suddenly I live for clogs. I can’t tell whether it’s the 70′s or the 90′s all over again, but, yeah, I pretty much want to be rocking clogs 24/7.
DIANA: I am also very proud of you for finding a pair of shoes for less than or equal to $200! How?
JEN: That’s pretty good, right? Okay, but truth be told, they were a little over $200, like $236 or something, at Endless.com, which seems like such a Mom shoe-site, but they have the largest selection of Swedish Hasbeens clogs I’ve seen online, which are very my Mom, but my-Mom-back-when-she-dressed-cool-instead-of-like-all-the-Moms-on-My Mom Is A Fob. Anyway, with the Ebate–and this is not me shamelessly plugging–my clogs were ALMOST $200. And they’re Swedish! And you know how I live for everything Swedish, too. Like my car.
DIANA: Indeed. You love the Swedes. IKEA not so much.
JEN: But I DO love IKEA so much! Mostly because I’m in the minority of people who actually get a lot of joy from putting together IKEA crap with those wack instructions.
DIANA: You WHAT? WHY? MASOCHIST!
JEN: That’s the thing–it’s hard, and I like it. It’s really Asian of me. And really Dr. Wang of me (my HAD for the people who don’t know).
DIANA: They only use pictures!!!
JEN: I love pictures!
DIANA: I once tried to put together a bed with 3 doctors,1 lawyer, and 8 combined degrees. We got nowhere for 6 hours. My friend Young got his English degree at Princeton and then a PhD in Neurology, and he was like “Fuck these instructions, they’re too hard. Fuck Swedes!”
JEN: What you were missing was 1 homegirl with 2 useless liberal arts degrees to put that shit together for you.
DIANA: Next time, I call you.
JEN: Seriously, I’m not lying, I LOVE THAT SHIT. I get high from it a little and can’t sleep after.
DIANA: You are a marvelous and fascinating creature.
JEN: Ha! So what else did you buy?
JEN: Oh god.
DIANA: They give 25% back!
JEN: You are your mother. You are MY mother.
DIANA: I am everyone‘s mother. Even more so now because I got Sunset Magazine! After I read a few issues, I’ll buy everyone California-fresh market foods and take them on long west coast getaways!
JEN: Your Sunset Mag thing is about as insane as my IKEA thing. Hey, does Ebates do an IKEA rebate? I guess that would maybe be redundant.
DIANA: I don’t think that would be redundant at all. But they should definitely file IKEA under “Insane Purchases.”
JEN: It would be cool if Ebates had an “Insane Purchases” category.
DIANA: What else would go there? Real Dolls. Can you imagine being like, “Hey! I got 4% back on my $5000 Real Doll! So I bought her an outfit!”
JEN: If Ebates gave you 50% back on a Real Doll, would you get one?
DIANA: Nope. They creep me the eff out. They’re heavy and arrive in a giant crate.
DIANA: Don’t ask why I know that.
JEN: How do you know that???
DIANA: SUPER EFFED UP EX.
JEN: How did he know that???
DIANA: HE IS A PERV!!!!!!
JEN: Did he have one???
DIANA: YUP. He now has hair plugs and an ex-wife. And a stagnant career.
JEN: OMG YOU DATED SOMEONE WITH A REAL DOLL???
DIANA: HE IS A TOTAL FREAK!
JEN: I am so skeeved out right now.
DIANA: Tell me about it. Imagine being 19 and finding that out. And being like, “Really? She…it’s in a crate in your closet?”
JEN: Did you discover it hidden away in the crawl space or something?
DIANA: No, he TOLD ME! I mean, by then the relationship was already outer limits.
JEN: I hope you broke up with him on the spot.
DIANA: I wish I had broken up with him on the spot. Instead, I ignored it and waited for the relationship to devolve for about another year.
JEN: Sounds like a real winner.
ME: HAIR PLUGS.
JEN: Dude, don’t bury the headline. REAL DOLL IN A CRATE.
DIANA: IN THE CLOSET! IN HIS MOM’S HOUSE!
JEN: In the closet is right. Some shit should stay in the closet. But, ahem, back to Ebates…
DIANA: YES. THANK YOU. Jesus Christ, how did we get there?
JEN: It got so dark so fast.
DIANA: Life gets dark so fast.
JEN: Let’s take a Xanax and continue.
DIANA: I also got a subscription to Yoga Journal.
JEN: LMAO–you need to READ about yoga???
DIANA: Of course you do! YJ has recipes, tips on improving your practice, ways to learn yogic lessons from incidents in your life, different sequences to try. I love the advertisements for clothes and mats. And each issue is timeless!
JEN: Dude, I don’t want to eat “yogic food,” yo. I want to eat a rack of baby back ribs and then belch meat juice in the back of my throat and not throw up while doing a backbend.
DIANA: I prefer to follow up my yoga practice with blazin’ hot wings.
JEN: Oooh–from Kyochon?
DIANA: Yum. Yes.
DIANA: No, but they should! Kyochon should be filed under “best possible ways to spend your money, honey.”
JEN: Did you spend all your Ebates money, or are you squirreling some of it away for the next depression/apocalypse, like my mother?
DIANA: I wanted to save it, but I spent it all. I also ordered a year of OK! Magazine. Valuemags is already discounted off not only the cover price, but the average subscription price of most mags. YJ was only $15.95 instead of $39.92! And OK! was $34.95 instead of…$152.49!
JEN: So, now you’re working for ValueMags?
DIANA: I’m not good at math, but I feel like I’m getting these mags for a real value.
JEN: You’re not supposed to tell people you suck at math! That’s totally blowing our cover!!!
DIANA: I failed calculus my senior year.
JEN: You FAILED???
DIANA: Please don’t sound so disappointed. I spent the entire first quarter squaring away a homecoming date by passing notes on my graphing calculator. Don’t worry, I dropped it before I failed.
JEN: Okay, smart move.
JEN: You must feel orgasmic right now, having saved all that money.
DIANA: I felt very tingly after getting those receipts in my inbox. I feel like I’m gonna get so much money back this month.
JEN: Meanwhile, I’m reading “Nars multiple stick in orgasm” but what I’m really seeing is “multiple orgasm.” That’s no accident.
DIANA: That’s a very good point. Why didn’t I notice that?
JEN: The dangerous thing about saving money is that it makes you want to spend more. After I spent my allotted Ebates money, I actually kept using it to buy other shit with my own money. Like, after the clogs, of course I had to buy socks from J.Crew to go with the clogs.
DIANA: I know, I’m weirdly addicted, too. I’m thinking of going to Target to just buy all of my house stuff every week.
JEN: You should buy from Target online since that crazy chick got all stabby at our Target in West Hollywood. How about this as a selling point: Use Ebates because you might get stabbed shopping in person! Yes? No?
DIANA: HA. I hate buying things like toilet paper at the store, anyway. People always look at you with a cart full of toilet paper and they kinda… nod.
JEN: I always get the huge pyramid of toilet paper and I feel like people judge me for that!
JEN: But I hate Costco.
DIANA: I know you do! Whereas I love it, because I’M YOUR MOM!
JEN: It makes me sad.
DIANA: I like riding around in the big carts. And getting giant laundry detergents. And giant grey poupon jars.
JEN: I like getting those massive quantities of booze, but then I get sad all over again.
DIANA: What would make you sad about a magnum bottle of Belvedere (speaking of which… that magnum bottle only lasts 2 days at my house if we’re doing cocktail hour)?
JEN: Maybe the idea is that Costco makes you sad so you consume more…magnums of premium vodka.
DIANA: While buying pyramids of toilet paper and feminine hygiene products.
JEN: Costco makes sense for your lady time because you actually USE that shit.
DIANA: Yep! Costco for laundry detergent, lady time supplies, TP, and booze. It’s a great place.
JEN: Sounds like a party.
DIANA: You set up my IKEA shit, and I’ll go to Costco for you. Sounds like a party in a bathroom, actually!
JEN: Have you ever had a party in a bathroom? That sounds like a fun concept.
DIANA: I can’t. I like to spend as little amount of time in the bathroom as I can (more weird Diana shit).
JEN: You’re really using this chat as a confessional today.
DIANA: Like, I am not one of those people that has magazine baskets in a bathroom because I can’t even fathom…
JEN: You know, I read somewhere that people who look at their shit going down versus people who don’t…that’s the difference between liberals and conservatives. In other words, I’m a conservative! Cuz I can’t deal.
DIANA: Then I’m a Neo-Con! Man, I would love to see that article! And the earwax article you told me about once.
JEN: Let me find the link. The earwax article is from the NY Times. I’ll dig that one up, too. But you have hard earwax, right?
DIANA: NO–I MUST BE WHITE!
JEN: No, that makes sense. It said some South and Central Asians had soft earwax like whiteys. Which also means you smell (sorry).
DIANA: Oh, how interesting! WAIT, we SMELL?
JEN: They’re from the same gene. If you have soft earwax, your sweat has an odour (like the English spell it).
DIANA: We SMELL?
DIANA: That might make me cry.
JEN: I know, I’m sorry. Especially since you’re the most hygienic person I know.
DIANA: I don’t want to have an odour!
JEN: You don’t! You smell lovely.
DIANA: Thanks. This is a good incentive to keep up the showering, though.
JEN: Not that you needed an incentive.
DIANA: I really can’t deal with people who smell.
JEN: Who can???
DIANA: This new fact makes me feel less crazy about showering so much, though. Anyway, I want to see your clogs in person. I’m jealous! I thought of getting shoes, too. Or clothes. I wish they gave Madewell an Ebate.
JEN: They should, because they carry J.Crew, and it’s all the same company. I feel the same way about Anthropologie, because Urban Outfitters already has an Ebate.
DIANA: Actually, next Ebates round, I’m getting a camera.
JEN: That’s smart. Let’s hope there is a next Ebates round. That’s where DISGRASIAN Nation has to step up like that dance movie. READERS, SIGN UP!!! IT’S FREE!
JEN: Let’s repeat…CLICK ON THE BANNER UP TOP AND GET $8.88 BACK JUST FOR BEING A CHEAPASS.
DIANA: THAT EBATES BANNER. THE ONE AT THE TOP OF THE BLOG.
Filed under: Asians Love Discounts, Chanel, Clogs, Costco, Earwax, Ebates, Exes Suck, Hardass Asian Moms, Hygiene, IKEA, Madewell, Magazines, Masochism, Nordstrom, Real Doll, Sephora, Twilight, U2, ValueMags, Yoga
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