Diana and Jen’s Excellent Ebates Shopping Adventure [Sponsored]

June 25th, 2010 | 8 comments | Posted by Jen & Diana

JEN: Attention, Ebates shoppers

DIANA: (channeling Bono) “Uno, Dos, Tres… Catorce! (14?) Hallo… hallo…”

JEN: Don’t you think Ebates should have a thing like K-Mart, like the Blue Light Special?

DIANA: My parents used to tell me that they got me as a baby at a Blue Light Special.

JEN: That reminds me…did you hear about the meth heads who tried to sell their baby outside a Wal-Mart?  Too bad your parents weren’t there, cuz the baby was a bargain, only $25! And Ebates has a 1% cash back deal with Wal-Mart, so…

DIANA: They also could’ve put it on eBay, which has a 1-3% Ebate.

JEN: The meth really clouded their judgment.

DIANA: Hear that, kids?  Just say NO.

JEN: Enough about discount babies, what did you buy using our Ebates cashola?

DIANA: Well…first, I had to get a replacement foundation for the one I lost in Oklahoma last month. Sigh. Somewhere in the rural backwoods of Tulsa, some hotel employee is walking around with a really dewy, smooth, flawless complexion. Bitch!  It’s the Chanel Vitalumière in 41, Natural Beige. SPF 15, so I don’t get too tan in the face and look, as my Hardass Asian Grandma would say, “like a worker.”

JEN: You are naturally tan in the face though!

DIANA: Yeah. My grandma always frowned and made the clucking sound: “Ohhhh… you would be so beautiful… if not so tan.”

JEN: Asian grandmas LOVE to make that clucking sound. Where’d you get the not-too-tan-in-the-face foundation?

DIANA: I tried at Sephora, but they didn’t have it, so I found it at Nordstrom. 5% back.

JEN: Oooooh.  What’s sitting in your Ebates account now?

DIANA: Well, $8.88 (the free money for signing up) because I just bought everything yesterday. It takes 48 hours for some vendors to register your purchase, apparently. But you bought your stuff last week, right?

JEN: Okay, see, that’s the diff between you and me. We get this sponsorship to basically shop with somebody else’s money, and, like, I don’t need to be told twice to spend SOMEBODY ELSE’S MONEY, so I bought my shit the very next day, right after I did my post. And instead of buying a few things here and a few things here, I blew my whole wad on one thing: CLOGS. Because you know I’m having a clogs moment.

DIANA: You live for clogs. You may live IN clogs. I live for the day when you give me those clogs.

JEN: Yeah, it’s like, suddenly I live for clogs. I can’t tell whether it’s the 70′s or the 90′s all over again, but, yeah, I pretty much want to be rocking clogs 24/7.

DIANA: I am also very proud of you for finding a pair of shoes for less than or equal to $200! How?

JEN: That’s pretty good, right? Okay, but truth be told, they were a little over $200, like $236 or something, at Endless.com, which seems like such a Mom shoe-site, but they have the largest selection of Swedish Hasbeens clogs I’ve seen online, which are very my Mom, but my-Mom-back-when-she-dressed-cool-instead-of-like-all-the-Moms-on-My Mom Is A Fob.  Anyway, with the Ebate–and this is not me shamelessly plugging–my clogs were ALMOST $200. And they’re Swedish! And you know how I live for everything Swedish, too. Like my car.

DIANA: Indeed. You love the Swedes. IKEA not so much.

JEN: But I DO love IKEA so much! Mostly because I’m in the minority of people who actually get a lot of joy from putting together IKEA crap with those wack instructions.


JEN: That’s the thing–it’s hard, and I like it. It’s really Asian of me. And really Dr. Wang of me (my HAD for the people who don’t know).

DIANA: They only use pictures!!!

JEN: I love pictures!

DIANA: I once tried to put together a bed with 3 doctors,1 lawyer, and 8 combined degrees. We got nowhere for 6 hours. My friend Young got his English degree at Princeton and then a PhD in Neurology, and he was like “Fuck these instructions, they’re too hard. Fuck Swedes!”

JEN: What you were missing was 1 homegirl with 2 useless liberal arts degrees to put that shit together for you.

DIANA: Next time, I call you.

JEN: Seriously, I’m not lying, I LOVE THAT SHIT. I get high from it a little and can’t sleep after.

DIANA: You are a marvelous and fascinating creature.

JEN: Ha!  So what else did you buy?

DIANA: I wanted a bigger Ebate so I went to ValueMags, as promised.

JEN: Oh god.

DIANA: They give 25% back!

JEN: You are your mother. You are MY mother.

DIANA: I am everyone‘s mother. Even more so now because I got Sunset Magazine! After I read a few issues, I’ll buy everyone California-fresh market foods and take them on long west coast getaways!

JEN: Your Sunset Mag thing is about as insane as my IKEA thing. Hey, does Ebates do an IKEA rebate? I guess that would maybe be redundant.

DIANA: I don’t think that would be redundant at all. But they should definitely file IKEA under “Insane Purchases.”

JEN: It would be cool if Ebates had an “Insane Purchases” category.

DIANA: What else would go there? Real Dolls. Can you imagine being like, “Hey! I got 4% back on my $5000 Real Doll! So I bought her an outfit!”

JEN: If Ebates gave you 50% back on a Real Doll, would you get one?

DIANA: Nope. They creep me the eff out. They’re heavy and arrive in a giant crate.

[pregnant pause]

DIANA: Don’t ask why I know that.

JEN: How do you know that???


JEN: How did he know that???


JEN: Did he have one???

DIANA: YUP. He now has hair plugs and an ex-wife. And a stagnant career.



JEN: I am so skeeved out right now.

DIANA: Tell me about it. Imagine being 19 and finding that out. And being like, “Really? She…it’s in a crate in your closet?”

JEN: Did you discover it hidden away in the crawl space or something?

DIANA: No, he TOLD ME! I mean, by then the relationship was already outer limits.

JEN: I hope you broke up with him on the spot.

DIANA: I wish I had broken up with him on the spot. Instead, I ignored it and waited for the relationship to devolve for about another year.

JEN: Sounds like a real winner.


JEN: Dude, don’t bury the headline. REAL DOLL IN A CRATE.


JEN: In the closet is right. Some shit should stay in the closet. But, ahem, back to Ebates

DIANA: YES. THANK YOU. Jesus Christ, how did we get there?

JEN: It got so dark so fast.

DIANA: Life gets dark so fast.

JEN: Let’s take a Xanax and continue.

DIANA: I also got a subscription to Yoga Journal.

JEN: LMAO–you need to READ about yoga???

DIANA: Of course you do! YJ has recipes, tips on improving your practice, ways to learn yogic lessons from incidents in your life, different sequences to try. I love the advertisements for clothes and mats. And each issue is timeless!

JEN: Dude, I don’t want to eat “yogic food,” yo. I want to eat a rack of baby back ribs and then belch meat juice in the back of my throat and not throw up while doing a backbend.

DIANA: I prefer to follow up my yoga practice with blazin’ hot wings.

JEN: Oooh–from Kyochon?

DIANA: Yum. Yes.

JEN: Does Ebates have a discount at Kyochon?

DIANA: No, but they should! Kyochon should be filed under “best possible ways to spend your money, honey.”

JEN: Did you spend all your Ebates money, or are you squirreling some of it away for the next depression/apocalypse, like my mother?

DIANA: I wanted to save it, but I spent it all. I also ordered a year of OK! Magazine. Valuemags is already discounted off not only the cover price, but the average subscription price of most mags. YJ was only $15.95 instead of $39.92! And OK! was $34.95 instead of…$152.49!

JEN: So, now you’re working for ValueMags?

DIANA: I’m not good at math, but I feel like I’m getting these mags for a real value.

JEN: You’re not supposed to tell people you suck at math! That’s totally blowing our cover!!!

DIANA: I failed calculus my senior year.


DIANA: Please don’t sound so disappointed. I spent the entire first quarter squaring away a homecoming date by passing notes on my graphing calculator. Don’t worry, I dropped it before I failed.

JEN: Okay, smart move.

DIANA: Oh, and I did buy some makeup at Sephora after all. They give 8% back. So I got a Nars Multiple stick in Orgasm (my blush shade of 9 years) and their new Super Orgasm powder blush.

JEN: You must feel orgasmic right now, having saved all that money.

DIANA: I felt very tingly after getting those receipts in my inbox. I feel like I’m gonna get so much money back this month.

JEN: Meanwhile, I’m reading “Nars multiple stick in orgasm” but what I’m really seeing is “multiple orgasm.” That’s no accident.

DIANA: That’s a very good point. Why didn’t I notice that?

JEN: The dangerous thing about saving money is that it makes you want to spend more.  After I spent my allotted Ebates money, I actually kept using it to buy other shit with my own money. Like, after the clogs, of course I had to buy socks from J.Crew to go with the clogs.

DIANA: I know, I’m weirdly addicted, too. I’m thinking of going to Target to just buy all of my house stuff every week.

JEN: You should buy from Target online since that crazy chick got all stabby at our Target in West Hollywood.  How about this as a selling point: Use Ebates because you might get stabbed shopping in person!  Yes?  No?

DIANA: HA.  I hate buying things like toilet paper at the store, anyway. People always look at you with a cart full of toilet paper and they kinda… nod.

JEN: I always get the huge pyramid of toilet paper and I feel like people judge me for that!

DIANA: Shopping with Ebates is almost like having an Executive Costco membership, which gives you a % back, too, but there’s cuter stuff.

JEN: But I hate Costco.

DIANA: I know you do! Whereas I love it, because I’M YOUR MOM!

JEN: It makes me sad.

DIANA: I like riding around in the big carts. And getting giant laundry detergents. And giant grey poupon jars.

JEN: I like getting those massive quantities of booze, but then I get sad all over again.

DIANA: What would make you sad about a magnum bottle of Belvedere (speaking of which… that magnum bottle only lasts 2 days at my house if we’re doing cocktail hour)?

JEN: Maybe the idea is that Costco makes you sad so you consume more…magnums of premium vodka.

DIANA: While buying pyramids of toilet paper and feminine hygiene products.

JEN: Costco makes sense for your lady time because you actually USE that shit.

DIANA: Yep! Costco for laundry detergent, lady time supplies, TP, and booze. It’s a great place.

JEN: Sounds like a party.

DIANA: You set up my IKEA shit, and I’ll go to Costco for you. Sounds like a party in a bathroom, actually!

JEN: Have you ever had a party in a bathroom? That sounds like a fun concept.

DIANA: I can’t. I like to spend as little amount of time in the bathroom as I can (more weird Diana shit).

JEN: You’re really using this chat as a confessional today.

DIANA: Like, I am not one of those people that has magazine baskets in a bathroom because I can’t even fathom…

JEN: You know, I read somewhere that people who look at their shit going down versus people who don’t…that’s the difference between liberals and conservatives. In other words, I’m a conservative! Cuz I can’t deal.

DIANA: Then I’m a Neo-Con! Man, I would love to see that article! And the earwax article you told me about once.

JEN: Let me find the link. The earwax article is from the NY Times. I’ll dig that one up, too. But you have hard earwax, right?


JEN: No, that makes sense. It said some South and Central Asians had soft earwax like whiteys. Which also means you smell (sorry).

DIANA: Oh, how interesting! WAIT, we SMELL?

JEN: They’re from the same gene. If you have soft earwax, your sweat has an odour (like the English spell it).


JEN: Uh-huh.

DIANA: That might make me cry.

JEN: I know, I’m sorry. Especially since you’re the most hygienic person I know.

DIANA: I don’t want to have an odour!

JEN: You don’t! You smell lovely.

DIANA: Thanks. This is a good incentive to keep up the showering, though.

JEN: Not that you needed an incentive.

DIANA: I really can’t deal with people who smell.

JEN: Who can???

DIANA: This new fact makes me feel less crazy about showering so much, though. Anyway, I want to see your clogs in person. I’m jealous! I thought of getting shoes, too. Or clothes. I wish they gave Madewell an Ebate.

JEN: They should, because they carry J.Crew, and it’s all the same company.  I feel the same way about Anthropologie, because Urban Outfitters already has an Ebate.

DIANA: Actually, next Ebates round, I’m getting a camera.

JEN: That’s smart. Let’s hope there is a next Ebates round. That’s where DISGRASIAN Nation has to step up like that dance movie.  READERS, SIGN UP!!!  IT’S FREE!




[Click the banner at the top of DISGRASIAN-Ebates $8.88 Sign-up]

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8 Responses to “Diana and Jen’s Excellent Ebates Shopping Adventure [Sponsored]”

  1. Diana says:

    i really covet those clogs.

  2. Jen says:

    I covet your orgasmic hotness!

  3. Asian American Ad Network says:

    Haha…you girls are funny. I like to pick my earwax and smell my finger….not sure why i decided to share this.

  4. Wiggles says:

    Who’s that in the photo? Holy %$&! shit. That’s the definition of a heartbreaker.

  5. jasmine says:

    I totally signed up, like a loyal intern, thinking I wouldn’t actually buy anything and then boom, these happened: http://www.barneys.com/Chuck%20Taylor%20High%20Top/500693874,default,pd.html. For once, having ginormous feet and an Ebates account actually came in handy.

  6. Jen says:

    OMG WUTTTTTTTTT? I had NO idea Ebates had Barneys on the roster. And you get 2.5% back. Sweeeeeet. Thank you, Intern Jasmine! Love those high tops.

  7. jasmine says:

    I was all like “Barneys on Ebates? Really? Oh it’s ON now.”

  8. Jen says:

    @jasmine You’re the gift that keeps on giving.

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