I’m With Terry Bradshaw

April 13th, 2010 | 5 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey Ben, you big, dumb, fucking dog. Thanks for today’s apology.

For your sake and mine, I am glad that you will not be criminally charged for rough-banging that college chick in a dingy bar bathroom. No evidence + you’re a rich celebrity athlete = BIG PHEW! At least for this season (Ed note–Ladies, don’t hate. I need football to live and this is a humor blog).

Don’t tell me what really happened. I don’t know, I don’t want to know, I don’t really care. Shut up. Just shut up.

You and I have already been through a rough patch. Remember that leetle moto accident in ’06, when you were all, “WhatEVA! I’m 24! I’ve won a Super Bowl! I don’t CARE about no stinkin’ helmet! I don’t CARE about my HEAD! I don’t CARE about some goddamn professional football team and our legacy of gritty honor, don’t care about my coveted starting QB position, don’t care about my teammates or the Rooneys, or the hopes and dreams of Diana and her family and all of the wonderful Pittsburgh fans around the world! I’m a big, dumb, fucking dog! I look like a human Clifford! Weeeee! Let’s ride!” And then you broke your stupid face? Yeah, me too. That wasn’t cool.

BUT I FORGAVE YOU. Yes, it took another Super Bowl ring for me to do it, but I still sorta did.

This is different.  Dude, you’ve been accused of sexual assault twice in the last year. I realize we’re talking about accusations, not charges, but dude: TWICE. ONE YEAR. Even your derelict former teammates Santonio and Plaxico are thinking, “Damn, homey! Slow down!”

How hard is it to think, Ben? Just think with your seemingly broken brain. Is, say, dinner at the White House a good situation to be in? YES! Is, say, drunk wrestling with a bunch of your stupid college buddies on the roof of your giant house a good idea? NO! (Arg, you stinking mongrel, I know you want to say yes. The answer is NO.)

Is planting a vegetable garden good? YES! Rescuing a dog? YES! What about getting nasty with sketchy, nutty hotel employees? What about getting crunk with young co-eds at dank college bars? All when you’re an NFL star at the top of his game? And while in just the honeymoon years of an 8-year, $102 million contract with the Steelers?

NO, Ben. NO. BAD IDEA. BAD SITUATION TO PUT YOURSELF IN. BAD SITUATION FOR YOU TO PUT US ALL IN.

Today, living legend and former Steelers QB Terry Bradshaw made a public statement heard ’round the world about your dumb ass:

“[Ben] has got to realize who he is,” Bradshaw said. “He is an elite athlete in the National Football League. He’s got an image problem now. Best thing to do is don’t ever put yourself in that position again. When you’re through playing football, do whatever you want to do, but right now, you know, stay clean.”

He also said, “[Ben] doesn’t like me and I’m learning not to like him…”

I know you’re probably thinking, “Terry’s a dick! Why is he all up in my business?” But I’ll tell you something. Terry is RIGHT. You are an elite athlete. And you know what elite athletes should do? Play. They stay focused, keep their heads down, and play their very best.

After you retire, feel free to get fat, smoke a boatload of cigars, and get tons of road head, I don’t care. But when you’re getting paid a shit-ton of money to represent the Steelers family and just move the damn ball down the field, that is what you do. NEWS FLASH, ROETHLISBERGER: You represent all of us who proudly twirl our Terrible Towels. Right now you’re making it hard for us all to hold our heads high. You’re making it impossible to go into sports bars where we will never stop hearing from those dick Browns fans that we’re like, rapist supporters. (Can’t even believe I just wrote that. I can’t look a Browns fan in the eye right now? Seriously? What have you DONE?)

You know that phrase, “You offend me, you offend my family?” Guess what? It goes both ways.

You offend the Steelers family, you offend ME. STOP FUCKING UP, DICK!

All best,
Diana

[Yahoo! News: DA - No Charges Against Steelers' Roethlisberger]
[TMZ: Ben Roethlisberger: 'I'm Truly Sorry']
[Fanhouse: Terry Bradshaw Rips Ben Roethlisberger]

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5 Responses to “I’m With Terry Bradshaw”

  1. harald hardrada says:

    Diana, you reach new heights

    sportswriters like to rank great moments — Tiger seems to have lapped the field, but one wonders how to rank Kobe’s episode as compared with Ben’s — or whether Patrick Ewing’s supposed cheerleader fling qualifies as an episode, since, as told, it was consensual as well as being lengthy — Tiki’s retired & is out of the running as an athlete: he falls into the Bryant Gumble broadcasting class — what Tom Brady did was in the open, but some women in my family, rabid Patriots fans, will never forgive him — Wade Boggs’s affair was a big discovery — Keith Hernandez & Dave Winfield each gave rise to rumors that one cannot repeat here — these are a few items that come to mind without even needing to say anything about the doings of the Dallas Cowboys, South America’s team

  2. FormerSFn says:

    Of all the random things he could have ended his apology with, the dickwad finishes with “God Bless”.

    Wha?

    God Bless with co-ed that he porked?
    God Bless his stupid hair cut that he actually stepped out in public with?
    God Bless me for actually expecting an honest apology NOT written by his handlers.

    God Bless me, damnit! I just punched myself in the nuts for caring enough to listen to this squid.

  3. Jen says:

    So he DID sustain permanent brain damage from that motorcycle accident. Wear a helmet, kiddies!

  4. rockmanj says:

    WTF is up with his hair?

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