DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves Is A Great Name For An Indie Band, But…

April 16th, 2010 | 10 comments | Posted by Jen

No!  Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves will not be playing Coachella this weekend!

Instead, Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves are only a few of the accusations being brought against Steven Seagal in a civil lawsuit filed Monday in LA by 23 year-old Kayden Nguyen (pictured), who worked for the actor briefly in February.

Here’s what’s being reported:

All this is alleged, okay? So let’s not jump to conclusions. BUT. If we were to jump to conclusions, I’d say that some of the details revealed in this lawsuit are so bizarre–Seagal listed the job on Craigslist? He has the bank to fly private?! He has a weird corkscrew penis “unique physiological reaction” to arousal?–they almost have to be true. Can I picture Seagal saying “Relax, we won’t do anything special tonight…I’ll save that for another night” to Nguyen in that rapey hushed tone of his? Yes. And just the idea of sex slaves. I mean, what? Who do you think you are, Julius Fucking Caesar? BUT. Who knows what’s true at this point. Because we’re not jumping to conclusions, right?

So here’s what I do know.

  • I never want to hear “Steven Seagal” and “sex” in the same sentence ever again
  • In light of these accusations, the fact that Steven Seagal wears silky pajamas all the time out of the house takes on a whole new icky dimension
  • The idea that Steven Seagal is a creepy rapist is VERY plausible
  • I just threw up in my mouth

[The Wrap: Steven Seagal Sued for Allegedly Keeping Sex Slaves]
[NY Daily News: More of Steven Seagal's alleged victims set to come forward, says lawyer of accuser Kayden Nguyen]
[Popeater: Steven Seagal Made Jenny McCarthy Cry, Told Her to Strip at Audition]

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10 Responses to “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Steven Seagal’s Sex Slaves Is A Great Name For An Indie Band, But…”

  1. harald hardrada says:

    these things have been going on for thousands of years — the web makes it easier for the wealthy to live their fetishes & to recruit their slaves without having to go through brokers of flesh

  2. quadshock says:

    It most likely is true. I worked briefly in the film industry and that’s just how it works. You really can’t fight it (most of the women either do it for personal benefit or don’t speak up), and I decided not to participate in it. News like this makes me sick.

  3. PoweredByRice says:

    I’m having loads of fun speculating about this “unique physiological reaction” thing.

    Do his nipples stand up?

    Does he start displaying some sort of facial tic?

    Does he start yelling out sexual obscenities like some sex-crazed tourrette’s sufferer?

    I’m having this hillarious vision of Seagal in some board-room meeting and suddenly yelling “I LOVE YOU LONG TIME!” outta nowhere…..

  4. alperryman says:

    100% plausible.

  5. farleyk says:

    He’s a lauded man of peace, would probably never do it, but perhaps the Dalai Lama should kick someone right in the “unique physiological reaction”. Oh, please.

  6. dalianmoon says:

    Ewww! I have never liked Steven Seagal. My husband loves his crap movies, though. Maybe after he hears about this, I can get him to stop watching them.

  7. izzy says:

    With all that filed under alleged, it sounds crazy — but somehow I feel these allegations could be true :/

    Seagal and sex… makes me shudder

  8. weissman says:

    I always though he was over rated, in a lot of areas.

  9. xandersaide says:

    None of this surprises me as I personally know a girl (who, coincidentally enough, is a pretty Asian girl as well) who told me a very similar story about going for an audition at his house and being sexually assaulted by him. Thank God someone is finally speaking up. What a fucking pervert sicko.

  10. namanyonma says:

    Worst part is SOMEHOW or another, he was recognized as a Tulku (reincarnate Buddhist master) by Penor Rinpoche, one of our great lamas…ya. Most of us still think he (Seagal) is a dick, though. Thanks for giving Tibetan peeps and culture a great name there! *bangs head into wall*

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