DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Our Beloved, Apple

April 30th, 2010 | 15 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Geniuses at Apple,

It’s no secret that Jen and I are longtime members of your cult. We live the iLife and it feels good. Jen–who prefers a corded home phone (I know, I know) and doesn’t like to be put in a corner (aka reachable while on-the-go)–even has an iPhone. Do you realize what a coup that is? I got a text from her once and I fainted. Oh, Apple.

I don’t have an iPhone. I never have.  I like the tactile sensation of my dexterous thumbs on actual buttons, tippity-tappitying messages at a wild rate and sending them off with a flourish that people can not only see, but hear and feel. I love the clunk of a Blackberry. I love that I can drop it in my coffee without breaking my own heart (I once washed someone’s iPhone 3GS by accident and it ripped my soul to shreds). I mean, I live off of my phone, and I rest easier knowing that any malfunction/loss can be dealt with outside of the Genius Bar. You can have my heart, Apple, but you cannot have my phone.

At least that’s what I’ve been saying since June of 2007, when you first released the slick, zippy, fun-filled, multi-functional, who-needs-a-brain-to-work-this-incredible-gadget iPhone. Series after series I’ve watched pour from your beautifully austere stores, right into the pockets of each and every one of my friends and loved ones. My friend develops apps that I can’t use. My sister texts me emoticons that I can’t see. I stick out like a sore thumb at  rock shows when everyone starts recording and editing video with just a raise of their right arm and a swish of their finger. Still, I’ve held out. A lone ranger in a valley of touchscreen cattle.

But April 19, when excitement began to brew over the new super-secret iPhone prototype (apparently, the model meant to be released in a month) that got leaked and thoroughly dissected by the cool kids at Gizmodo, my ears perked up for the first time.

Before promptly returning the phone at Apple’s request, Editor Jason Chen posted a video on the site in which he caresses the prototype’s new features like a glamour model does a new Audi–and I was absolutely mesmerized. Okay, the new iPhone is not that different from the old iPhone. It still has no buttons. But it’s smoother, has a flatter back, is less slippery, and has a front-facing camera!

The day of the leak, I said the following to Jen and she GASPED: “I think I might get that new iPhone.”

The lone ranger was about to start making some friends. Thanks, Gizmodo!

But holy shit, what the EFF happened on April 26? Why the hell did you people have the police bust into Chen’s house and raid the place, seizing his computers and probably freaking out his wife? Can’t you just fire the idiot that left your oh-so-special prototype at a BAR (perhaps mid-tweet) and call it a day? For fuck’s sake, who are you people? OMG–you’re freakishly paranoid bully-types! Are you secretly right-wing conservatives, too?

I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT YOUR DUMB NEW iPHONE ANYMORE*. I DON’T.

So disappointed,
Diana

*Please don’t blacklist DISGRASIAN.com just because we posted this. I’ll still probably buy one.

[CNet: Gizmodo Considers Suing Police After iPhone Raid]
[Gizmodo: The Tale Of Apple's Next iPhone]

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15 Responses to “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Our Beloved, Apple”

  1. harald hardrada says:

    Diana, you make Apple sound like the cad who always gets the girl no matter how bad he is

  2. liam says:

    yea, it was a dick move by apple. steve jobs is fucking evil.

  3. isaacakira says:

    Who needs iPhones and other Apple stuffs, when there is Android devices and Linux.

    Ok, I’ve a iPod… but I don’t use iTunes.

  4. Liu Jing says:

    What? Give him a heads up chance to purge his drives of all traces of the middleman? The “shields” law alone wouldn’t protect Dan Rather from stolen goods charges, and it won’t help Mr. Modo.
    Besides, not nice to short out Apple’s lightning.

  5. Diana says:

    @ harald you sooooo nailed it! it’s like, “hit me, baby… one more time.”

  6. J-Mah says:

    Didn’t they paid the guy that found the phone $5000? Don’t know about the laws in California but I think it is against the law to buy lost/stolen devices without trying to find the owner first.

  7. Jen says:

    My phone is cordLESS, D. Very cutting-edge, I know.

  8. J-Mah says:

    California Code – Section 485
    “One who finds lost property under circumstances which give him knowledge of or means of inquiry as to the true owner, and who appropriates such property to his own use, or to the use of another person not entitled thereto, without first making reasonable and just efforts to find the owner and to restore the property to him, is guilty of theft.”

    Someone is in deep doo doo.

  9. prometheus says:

    @harald

    Doesn’t that mean that it serves them right? >:)

  10. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by DISGRASIAN, Jasmine Davila, SpreadEgo, Jojo Aquino, jasminedavila and others. jasminedavila said: RT @disgrasian DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Our Beloved, Apple http://dlvr.it/j2jy [...]

  11. Diana says:

    okay yes, maybe some dudes are about to get effed. but apple could’ve handled the “UGH! YEAH! WE GOTCHOO!!!” with about 10,000 fewer bells and whistles.

    the daily show really nailed my feelings about the whole situation with their “appholes” bit. did anyone else catch that?

  12. Diana says:

    @Jen – surely you prefer a cord.

  13. Jen says:

    @Diana Contrary to what you might think, I DO love a mobile phone. I just don’t like to be mo-bile anywhere except around my house.

  14. J-Mah says:

    Apple are control freaks. Always is and always will be. The last time something like this happened they went through the Civil route and lost. This time they are coming out with guns blazing.

  15. sepherous says:

    why dont u just join the palm cult?

    WebOs is fantastic, multitasking is breeze, no fragmentation like on google phones. it pure smooth riding.

    They launch today on cingular or att now i guess is the name but watever.

    Anyway come join our cult, u will never go back :p once i got my palm treo it changed everything lol.
    Check out the pre Plus u wont regret it.

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