Dear Geniuses at Apple,
It’s no secret that Jen and I are longtime members of your cult. We live the iLife and it feels good. Jen–who prefers a corded home phone (I know, I know) and doesn’t like to be put in a corner (aka reachable while on-the-go)–even has an iPhone. Do you realize what a coup that is? I got a text from her once and I fainted. Oh, Apple.
I don’t have an iPhone. I never have. I like the tactile sensation of my dexterous thumbs on actual buttons, tippity-tappitying messages at a wild rate and sending them off with a flourish that people can not only see, but hear and feel. I love the clunk of a Blackberry. I love that I can drop it in my coffee without breaking my own heart (I once washed someone’s iPhone 3GS by accident and it ripped my soul to shreds). I mean, I live off of my phone, and I rest easier knowing that any malfunction/loss can be dealt with outside of the Genius Bar. You can have my heart, Apple, but you cannot have my phone.
At least that’s what I’ve been saying since June of 2007, when you first released the slick, zippy, fun-filled, multi-functional, who-needs-a-brain-to-work-this-incredible-gadget iPhone. Series after series I’ve watched pour from your beautifully austere stores, right into the pockets of each and every one of my friends and loved ones. My friend develops apps that I can’t use. My sister texts me emoticons that I can’t see. I stick out like a sore thumb at rock shows when everyone starts recording and editing video with just a raise of their right arm and a swish of their finger. Still, I’ve held out. A lone ranger in a valley of touchscreen cattle.
But April 19, when excitement began to brew over the new super-secret iPhone prototype (apparently, the model meant to be released in a month) that got leaked and thoroughly dissected by the cool kids at Gizmodo, my ears perked up for the first time.
Before promptly returning the phone at Apple’s request, Editor Jason Chen posted a video on the site in which he caresses the prototype’s new features like a glamour model does a new Audi–and I was absolutely mesmerized. Okay, the new iPhone is not that different from the old iPhone. It still has no buttons. But it’s smoother, has a flatter back, is less slippery, and has a front-facing camera!
The day of the leak, I said the following to Jen and she GASPED: “I think I might get that new iPhone.”
The lone ranger was about to start making some friends. Thanks, Gizmodo!
But holy shit, what the EFF happened on April 26? Why the hell did you people have the police bust into Chen’s house and raid the place, seizing his computers and probably freaking out his wife? Can’t you just fire the idiot that left your oh-so-special prototype at a BAR (perhaps mid-tweet) and call it a day? For fuck’s sake, who are you people? OMG–you’re freakishly paranoid bully-types! Are you secretly right-wing conservatives, too?
I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I WANT YOUR DUMB NEW iPHONE ANYMORE*. I DON’T.
*Please don’t blacklist DISGRASIAN.com just because we posted this. I’ll still probably buy one.
Filed under: Apple, Apple Engineer, Bullies, Editor Gizmodo, Engineer Loses iPhone Prototype At Bar, Fitting In, Genius Bar, Gizmodo, Gray Powell, iPhone, Iphone Leak, iPhone prototype, Jason Chen, Palo Alto, Police Raid Jason Chen's Home, WTF?
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