DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 10 People And/Or Things We Hope Get Dick Cancer

April 9th, 2010 | 15 comments | Posted by Jen & Diana

Y’all. Y’ALL.  What was up with this week?  Why was everyone being such a dick?  Was mercury in some kind of dickish retrograde?  Was there an excess of dickage in the air?  Was there some kind of discount offered on dick pipes? Was it, like, International Be-A-Dick Week?  Was there a big VIP dick party that we weren’t invited to (and why not, you dicks)?  Seriously, what was with all this whatthedickery?

Don’t know what we mean?  What kind of dickhole have you been hiding in?  (And is there extra room there?  We’re kinda all dicked-out at the moment.)  Not to be a total dick and ruin your dick-free week, but if you don’t know what we’re talking about, you don’t know dick.  So let’s stop dicking around and get down to business.

NAME: Adam Carolla
WHY HE’S A DICK: He fucked with Intern Jasmine’s homeland and #1 homey, Manny Pacquiao. And she, along with an army of pissed-off Pinoys, ain’t feelin’ that half-assed mea culpa he posted on Twitter.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer

NAME: The Shen Neng 1
WHY IT’S A DICK: The 700-plus-foot Chinese coal ship hit Australia’s Great Barrier Reef at full speed last Saturday and immediately began leaking oil. Although clean-up efforts are going well, maritime authorities are still investigating how exactly the ship ran 9 miles off course.
OUR SOLUTION: Let’s just assume this ship has a dick and say, Dick Cancer.

NAME: Akron, Ohio’s East High Orientals
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: The Ohio high school shed its identity as the “Arabs” in the 1940s (seriously), transforming themselves into the “Orientals”–a name currently under fire. But East High refuses to back away from their 70-year-old brand. As Bob Dyer wrote, “Orientals” is not the same as say, “Texans,” and needs to go. The term is offensive to people that aren’t comfortable being categorized like rugs. (Hey, we could always make our local high school mascot “Backwards, Ignorant, Dirty, Redneck Hicks” and call it a push!)
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer

NAME: Tiki Barber
WHY HE’S A DICK: After 16 years together, 11 years of marriage, and 2 children, former NFL running back Tiki Barber is leaving his wife, Ginny–who’s currently 8 MONTHS PREGNANT with twins–for a 23 year-old blonde intern. Whom Tiki may have started seeing when she was still in college. Also: Tiki used to be a vaGiant.
OUR SOLUTION: Losing half in the divorce. That and: Dick Cancer.

NAME: China’s Shadows In The Cloud Hackers
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Because compromising a year’s worth of the Dalai Lama’s emails and sneaking into the Indian government’s sensitive secret documents is really fuckin’ creepy, and really feeds the narrative that China is a dirty, sneaky, paranoid motherfucker plotting to kill us all.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer

NAME: M. Night Shyamalan
WHY HE’S A DICK: White-washing his next film The Last Airbender and then equivocating all over the place about “diversity” and “multiculturalism.” Dude, while you’re at it, how about making a good movie for a change? Your last one was about a KILLER WIND. A. Killer. Wind. When the premise of one of your movies is basically an extended fart joke, you’re no longer an auteur, you’re just a dick.
OUR SOLUTION: STOP MAKING MOVIES. PLEASE. Barring that? Dick Cancer.

NAME: The North Korean Government
WHY IT’S A DICK: Well, we could (and have) go on about that for days. But this week, North Korea seemed especially dickish when it sentenced yet another American to eight years of hard labor for apparently crossing the border from northern China. NK, seriously, stop using people as bargaining chips in your quest to make a zillion nukes. Or if you’re so concerned about keeping human rights activists out of your fancy country, BUILD A STRONGER FUCKIN’ BORDER that clearly identifies: “NORTH KOREA HERE, CHINA THERE!”
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer

NAME: Patrick Kim McDermott
WHY HE’S A DICK: In 2005, McDermott faked his own death during a fishing trip in California, leaving behind his girlfriend of NINE YEARS, Olivia Newton-John. This week, McDermott and his lawyer–A dead man lawyers up? What a dick move!–confirmed that he is, in fact, alive, but wants to be left alone.
OUR SOLUTION: Dick Cancer

NAME: Joey Lo
WHY HE’S A DICK: This low-rent George Tiller Killer filed federal court documents threatening to use deadly force to stop an abortion if the Supreme Court didn’t outlow the practice. He wrote, “I am entitled under my religious beliefs to use deadly force if necessary to save the innocent life of another.” Um, entitled?
OUR SOLUTION: An abortion. Then, Dick Cancer.

NAME: The Vatican and Rev. Joseph Palanivel Jeyapaul
WHY THEY’RE DICKS: Father Joseph Jeyapaul was charged in 2006 with forcing a 14 year-old girl in the Minnesota diocese he was working in at the time to perform oral sex on him. Although the Vatican was aware of the sexual abuse allegations made against Jeyapaul, he was allowed to continue to work among children in a Catholic school system in India. Oh: Jeyapaul also claims he wasn’t aware there were any criminal charges brought against him until this past Monday.
OUR SOLUTION: Hell. But since we unfortunately don’t believe in Hell…Dick Cancer.

In sum: when life hands you dicks, you hand the dicks–yes, we just said “hand the dicks”–Dick Cancer.

TGIF, dickheads!

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15 Responses to “DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! 10 People And/Or Things We Hope Get Dick Cancer”

  1. Cindy says:

    Do I get credit for knowing 9 of the 10? That’s a lot of dick behavior to add to an already dick filled week. No worries you didn’t ruin anything.

    I’ve said it before, but it bears repeating. Jasmine, I will happily hold your rings for you as you take Adam out!

  2. dalianmoon says:

    Of course, Carolla broke out the classic “I’m sorry if you were offended” non-apology. And the comments? The usual “stop being so sensitive” shit. Racism is racism, be it against Asians, blacks, Latinos, MIddle Eastern, whites (yes, it is possible). But what happens when someone offends a part of the Asian population? People dismiss it and say to “lighten up”. Fuck that!

  3. harald hardrada says:

    you two hit your stride when you let anger take over, thus unleashing your originality, as in vaGiant — the guy whose moving company is taking my stuff to a new house this month is a huge Jets fan & when i tell him there are two gorgeous women vloggers who call his enemy team the vaGiants he’s going to give me a discount

    i’ve visited the Philippines many times & have always found my business counterparts there to be gracious, intelligent, sophisticated & professional — by chance, my closest friends here are from the Philippines

  4. clawd says:

    Helloo dicks! Gettin’ hot and heavy on this Friday night, eh?

    I can’t even begin to choose which dickhead I find the hottest! Hmm.. let’s go with Carolla!

    Adam, your dickish ‘apology’ was like Rosie O’Donnell’s ‘apology’ for her “Ching-Chong” comment. The dickiest thing about it all is how you actually find yourself funny. GAD, I want you bad.

  5. sarahsome says:

    adam corolla is the quintessential dick, but i’ve never had a personal problem with the dick. that is until he messed with the philippines. i was born there [a la tim tebow], i’ve visited every summer for the past 4 yrs, and my best friend since 2nd grade is pinoy. thus i know, first hand, what an amazing country it is and how wonderful the ppl are. but even with all the personal experience and attachments, i’d stil agree that dick should get dick cancer.

  6. sarahsome says:

    *even WITHOUT all the personal experience and attachments

  7. Simon says:

    Dick cancer isn’t enough. They need immediate castration.

  8. Jen & Diana says:

    @Cindy Which dick did you know dick about?

  9. Cindy says:

    Tiki Barber was the only story I was unaware of this week.

  10. Jen says:

    I would expect nothing less from a Cowboys fan!

  11. MicroRNA says:

    This is the most dickish list I’ve ever read. Joey Lo and M.Night take the cake for me. I’m so pissed about Avatar.

  12. hschristina says:

    McDermott needs to grow a dick. Maybe Tiki is willing to share some with McDermott, coz Tiki is having trouble keeping it to himself – therefore, does not deserve any.

    Thanks ladies!

  13. johnminh says:

    They’re are all dicksgrasians!

  14. [...] lazy linkage listicle DISGRASIAN™ couldn’t settle on one DISGRASIAN™ OF THE WEAK so they picked ten. [DISGRASIAN™] [...]

  15. weissman says:

    You have to feel sorry for Mr. Barner’s children both living and curretly not born yet. You will have to wonder how he faces them. I hope his iwfe gets 50% of everything he owns.

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