Advice For Your St. Patrick’s Day Celebrasian

March 17th, 2010 | 7 comments | Posted by Diana

Well, I should preface this post by saying that I don’t really participate in the whole St. Patrick’s Day flurryfaloo.

Yeah, no thanks.

Why? I’m not Irish or Catholic. I’m not in a frat. I am uncomfortable wearing green plastic leprachaun hats. I don’t particularly get anything out of drinking green-tinted alcohol. My Irish accent sounds a lot more like a pirate accent. I don’t appreciate being pinched. I have no interest in regretting tonight’s sloppy sex with a stinky stranger during tomorrow’s spine-shivering hangover. I have an aversion to standing, body-to-body, with smelly people. And I’m no novice partier (Lord knows all of the novices will be out tonight, they’ve been sporting awful green wigs and tube tops at your local pub since 6am this morning… I really loathe those people).

That said, hey! Maybe you’re like, “Top ‘o the mornin, Diana! Don’t bee such a spoilsparrt! It’s thee luck of thee Irish! I want to be havin’ a grand ol’ time at the pub! Arrrr, avast, ahoy!” (Oh shoot, there I go talking like a pirate again.)

Anyway, if you are going out tonight, don’t let me poop on your parrty, fiddle-dee-dee! I just have a few words of advice:

Tip #1: A successful St. Patty’s night can be about EITHER an excess of corned beef and cabbage OR an excess of Irish car bombs. BUT NOT BOTH.

Tip #2: Don’t bother wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” t-shirt if you ain’t Irish. Just write “I’m drunk at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m drunk. I want to get laid. I’m drunk!” in Sharpie across your stomach. You’ll get the point across without having to lie about your ethnicity.

Tip #3: You do not want your exploits of tonight to end up in garbled English on Texts From Last Night. Especially if you’re not 19. Especially if you’re 40. Just think about that before you do anything. ANYTHING.

Tip#4: Don’t take pictures.

Tip #5: I guess I should tell you to wear green.

Tip #6: Tip the bartender or you’re never getting another round.

Tip #7: Do not make a stink when they run out of green food coloring. Your regular-colored beer tastes the same.

Tip #8: Condoms.

Tip #9: Everyone will look different tomorrow.

Tip #10: Don’t eat one of these!!!

It probably tastes fine, but like, HUH?


Thanks for the cookie, Micah!

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7 Responses to “Advice For Your St. Patrick’s Day Celebrasian”

  1. Teamrobhogg says:

    St. Patrick’s color was actually blue, thus I generally wear blue and look down on everyone else on St. Patrick’s day.

  2. farleyk says:

    Stick to authentic Irish beer goodness – Guinness.
    I went to a predominantly Irish, Catholic grade school. I used to like to wear red on St Patty’s day. Which explains why one ear is slightly longer than the other and I have penguin-o-phobia.

  3. dalianmoon says:

    Call me a prude, but I think the only foods that have any business being green are vegetables and fruits.

    Also, I’ve never been a fan of bars, and especially not now. But on the few times I did go (to see local bands play, not to drink), I got giddy with delight laughing at the drunks. I can be evil sometimes.

  4. Diana says:

    I will drink Guinness and Balvenie tonight, at home. And in doing so I shall think of you, Ken!

  5. Friggles says:

    I’m maybe a quarter of Irish heritage. The rest German and French Canadian, thank God. There’s really nothing redeeming about being Irish. They’re ugly, dull, bad drunks and only nice when they’re not drinking. Which is anytime before 12pm and that includes sleeping. The only good Irish are Oscar Wilde and Johnny Rotten. The former being embarrassed about it and rightly so.

  6. MacLu says:

    Or you can wear orange if you’re sick of the Pope.

  7. daughterofbob says:

    Too much green food coloring (green beer!) can make your poop festive too!
    (Don’t ask me how I know.)

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