Well, I should preface this post by saying that I don’t really participate in the whole St. Patrick’s Day flurryfaloo.
Why? I’m not Irish or Catholic. I’m not in a frat. I am uncomfortable wearing green plastic leprachaun hats. I don’t particularly get anything out of drinking green-tinted alcohol. My Irish accent sounds a lot more like a pirate accent. I don’t appreciate being pinched. I have no interest in regretting tonight’s sloppy sex with a stinky stranger during tomorrow’s spine-shivering hangover. I have an aversion to standing, body-to-body, with smelly people. And I’m no novice partier (Lord knows all of the novices will be out tonight, they’ve been sporting awful green wigs and tube tops at your local pub since 6am this morning… I really loathe those people).
That said, hey! Maybe you’re like, “Top ‘o the mornin, Diana! Don’t bee such a spoilsparrt! It’s thee luck of thee Irish! I want to be havin’ a grand ol’ time at the pub! Arrrr, avast, ahoy!” (Oh shoot, there I go talking like a pirate again.)
Anyway, if you are going out tonight, don’t let me poop on your parrty, fiddle-dee-dee! I just have a few words of advice:
Tip #1: A successful St. Patty’s night can be about EITHER an excess of corned beef and cabbage OR an excess of Irish car bombs. BUT NOT BOTH.
Tip #2: Don’t bother wearing a “Kiss me, I’m Irish” t-shirt if you ain’t Irish. Just write “I’m drunk at a bar on St. Patrick’s Day. I’m drunk. I want to get laid. I’m drunk!” in Sharpie across your stomach. You’ll get the point across without having to lie about your ethnicity.
Tip #3: You do not want your exploits of tonight to end up in garbled English on Texts From Last Night. Especially if you’re not 19. Especially if you’re 40. Just think about that before you do anything. ANYTHING.
Tip#4: Don’t take pictures.
Tip #5: I guess I should tell you to wear green.
Tip #6: Tip the bartender or you’re never getting another round.
Tip #7: Do not make a stink when they run out of green food coloring. Your regular-colored beer tastes the same.
Tip #8: Condoms.
Tip #9: Everyone will look different tomorrow.
Tip #10: Don’t eat one of these!!!
It probably tastes fine, but like, HUH?
Thanks for the cookie, Micah!
Filed under: Advice, Bars, Being Honest, Drunken Messes, Getting Laid, Holidays, National Holidays, Nights When Novices Party, Pinching, Public Drunkenness, St. Patrick's Day, Texts From Last Night, Wearing Green, Weird Irish-ish Behavior
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