Happy Year Of The Tiger! (Or Is It?)

February 15th, 2010 | 12 comments | Posted by Jen

HAPPY NEW YEAR, DISGRASIAN NATION!

It’s the Year of the Tiger, the motto of which is “I Win.” The sign is considered one of bravery, thought to scare away all of those things you’d read about in an Amy Tan novel, like fire, thieves, and ghosts. Also, the tiger is one sexy beast, way more appealing than 2009′s fat lumbering ox. Sounds pretty auspicious, right?

Maybe too auspicious to be true. Because while the Year of the Tiger may look awesome on the surface, it could wind up being, to quote the movie Clueless (RIP Brit Murphy), a full-on Monet–okay from far away, but close-up, a “big ol’ mess.” Here are reasons not to go rawr!:

  1. Year of the Tiger = Bad for Marriage. According to fortune-tellers, getting married in the Year of the Tiger is bad luck.  “If you marry this year, your husband may die earlier,” Joyce Lin, a 25-year-old college graduate, told Reuters.  Don’t believe Tigers are bad for marriage?  Then meditate on this guy:
  2. Year of the Tiger = Bad for Tibet. Okay, so it’s not tigers, per se, that are bad for Tibet and followers of the Dalai Lama. But Tibetans won’t be celebrating the Year of the Tiger and the Lunar New Year for the second year in a row, to protest Chinese rule.
  3. Year of the Tiger = Bad for Tigers. Every year is bad for tigers, one of the most endangered species on the planet.  And according to a recent TIME magazine piece, a big threat to the big cat comes from the U.S., where there are more tigers kept in private captivity–and often in miserable conditions–than there are wild ones left in the world.  In Texas alone, there are thought to be over 3,000 tigers being raised as pets.  Another reason to mess with Texas!

And since we’ve already brought up this persona non grata, where the eff is that Tiger…Woods? The Year of the Tiger is Tiger’s year to make things right, with Elin and the children, his “angry and disappointed” Hardass Asian Mama, his fans, and his corporate sponsors, if for no other reason than to stop all of these seedy stories about his hooker-bitch mistresses–unprotected sex? abortions?–from dominating the headlines.

Come out, come out, wherever you are!

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12 Responses to “Happy Year Of The Tiger! (Or Is It?)”

  1. johnminh says:

    I’m a Tiger. And a Leo. Meow, mang! Happy New Year! =)

  2. Liu Jing says:

    But let’s not mention China, where they cut the weenies off to make granpa’s little helper with! Apparently Mr Tiger does not survive the processing.

  3. Eurotrash says:

    Lucky for the Tibetans! I don’t think they want to go back being slaves and serfs under the old Dalai Lama.

  4. dalianmoon says:

    I am feeling very positive about this year of the tiger! For purely selfish reasons, of course. My third child will be born this year! They will be born to a dragon mom, a rat dad, and have sheep and pig brothers. Quite a mix!

  5. alperryman says:

    Damn! I’m supposed to get married this year.

    Actually, my mom-in-law went to go see a medium since she was so worried about us getting hitched this year. The medium said that since I’m a rat (the year of the tiger is phenomenally good for rats) I’ll protect my monkey hubs from the tiger.

  6. barleycorn says:

    So if Tibet isn’t celebrating the Year of the Tiger, and didn’t celebrate last year’s New Year, does that mean that it’s still the year of the Rat over there?

  7. Jen says:

    I think it’s the Year of Richard Gere.

  8. [...] in the week, I wrote that the Year of the Tiger was Tiger’s year to make things right with his family and fans. I have no idea how he plans to do that with his family–besides [...]

  9. [...] in the week, I wrote that the Year of the Tiger was Tiger’s year to make things right with his family and fans. I have no idea how he plans to do that with his family–besides [...]

  10. [...] in the week, I wrote that the Year of the Tiger was Tiger’s year to make things right with his family and fans. I have no idea how he plans to do that with his family–besides [...]

  11. [...] in the week, I wrote that the Year of the Tiger was Tiger’s year to make things right with his family and fans. I have no idea how he plans to do that with his family–besides [...]

  12. [...] in the week, I wrote that the Year of the Tiger was Tiger’s year to make things right with his family and fans. I have no idea how he plans to do that with his family–besides [...]

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