HAPPY NEW YEAR, DISGRASIAN NATION!
It’s the Year of the Tiger, the motto of which is “I Win.” The sign is considered one of bravery, thought to scare away all of those things you’d read about in an Amy Tan novel, like fire, thieves, and ghosts. Also, the tiger is one sexy beast, way more appealing than 2009′s fat lumbering ox. Sounds pretty auspicious, right?
Maybe too auspicious to be true. Because while the Year of the Tiger may look awesome on the surface, it could wind up being, to quote the movie Clueless (RIP Brit Murphy), a full-on Monet–okay from far away, but close-up, a “big ol’ mess.” Here are reasons not to go rawr!:
- Year of the Tiger = Bad for Marriage. According to fortune-tellers, getting married in the Year of the Tiger is bad luck. “If you marry this year, your husband may die earlier,” Joyce Lin, a 25-year-old college graduate, told Reuters. Don’t believe Tigers are bad for marriage? Then meditate on this guy:
- Year of the Tiger = Bad for Tibet. Okay, so it’s not tigers, per se, that are bad for Tibet and followers of the Dalai Lama. But Tibetans won’t be celebrating the Year of the Tiger and the Lunar New Year for the second year in a row, to protest Chinese rule.
- Year of the Tiger = Bad for Tigers. Every year is bad for tigers, one of the most endangered species on the planet. And according to a recent TIME magazine piece, a big threat to the big cat comes from the U.S., where there are more tigers kept in private captivity–and often in miserable conditions–than there are wild ones left in the world. In Texas alone, there are thought to be over 3,000 tigers being raised as pets. Another reason to mess with Texas!
And since we’ve already brought up this persona non grata, where the eff is that Tiger…Woods? The Year of the Tiger is Tiger’s year to make things right, with Elin and the children, his “angry and disappointed” Hardass Asian Mama, his fans, and his corporate sponsors, if for no other reason than to stop all of these seedy stories about his hooker-bitch mistresses–unprotected sex? abortions?–from dominating the headlines.
Come out, come out, wherever you are!
Filed under: Chinese New Year, Chinese Zodiac, Endangered Species, Full of Win, Lunar New Year, Tibet, Tiger Woods, Tiger Woods Marriage, Tiger Woods Sex Scandals, Year of the Tiger, Year of the Tiger Bad for Marriage
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