1. “I need a guy to teach me how to kiss.”
Um, no, you don’t. Cuz the thing is, guys in general rank way down on the list of “Great Teachers of the Art of Make-Outage,” behind “Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in Wild Things,” “your favorite stuffed animal,” and “horny Shih-Tzus.” If you really want to learn how to kiss, go to a bar and buy two shots of Patrón, one for you, and one for some slutty-looking drunk chick who you’ll soon be playing tonsil hockey with until she passes out and/or throws up in her purse.
2. “Ideally, it shouldn’t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out.”
Again, two shots of Patrón, one slutty-looking drunk chick, wash, rinse, and repeat. (I’m not even going to get into WHY you want to learn how to kiss from a dude when dudes gross you out. That is some fucked-up shit for your shrink. Don’t have a shrink? Get one. You can probably find one of craigslist, too.)
3. “I’ll give you five dollars, so it’ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there’s a recession going on. Who wouldn’t want five dollars in times like these?”
If you’ve read #1 and #2, you’ll understand that you NEVER have to pay a guy for sexual favors. NEVER. If anything, he pays you, although something tells me you’d make a lousy hooker.
4. “If money doesn’t appeal to you, I’d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I’m Asian).”
I would refer you to #3, but this is too fuckin’ priceless.
5. “I prefer a guy who doesn’t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder.”
“I prefer a guy…”? Which means you’ll maybe take a guy with bad breath and open sores?! (Don’t rule out all mental disorders; some of them, on the low-end of the spectrum, are hot. Plus, I think, like, you have one.)
6. “Also, it’d be nice if you’re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).”
I like that you have a healthy respect for the law re: jailbait. But defining geriatric as 30+ yrs? YOU BITCH.
7. “Just a warning, there’s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don’t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars.”
YOU CRAZY, CRAZY BITCH.
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