Best-Of-Craigslist: “Teach Me How To Kiss”

February 2nd, 2010 | 12 comments | Posted by Jen

Usually, we let the postings from best-of-craigslist that we reprint here speak for themselves. But this one really demands a close reading:

1. “I need a guy to teach me how to kiss.”

Um, no, you don’t. Cuz the thing is, guys in general rank way down on the list of “Great Teachers of the Art of Make-Outage,” behind “Neve Campbell and Denise Richards in Wild Things,” “your favorite stuffed animal,” and “horny Shih-Tzus.” If you really want to learn how to kiss, go to a bar and buy two shots of Patrón, one for you, and one for some slutty-looking drunk chick who you’ll soon be playing tonsil hockey with until she passes out and/or throws up in her purse.

2. “Ideally, it shouldn’t last longer than five minutes, seeing as how most guys creep me the fuck out.”

Again, two shots of Patrón, one slutty-looking drunk chick, wash, rinse, and repeat. (I’m not even going to get into WHY you want to learn how to kiss from a dude when dudes gross you out. That is some fucked-up shit for your shrink. Don’t have a shrink? Get one. You can probably find one of craigslist, too.)

3. “I’ll give you five dollars, so it’ll be like earning a dollar a minute. Think about it, there’s a recession going on. Who wouldn’t want five dollars in times like these?”

If you’ve read #1 and #2, you’ll understand that you NEVER have to pay a guy for sexual favors. NEVER. If anything, he pays you, although something tells me you’d make a lousy hooker.

4. “If money doesn’t appeal to you, I’d be more than happy to do your homework for you (I’m Asian).”

I would refer you to #3, but this is too fuckin’ priceless.

5. “I prefer a guy who doesn’t have bad breath, open sores, or a mental disorder.”

“I prefer a guy…”? Which means you’ll maybe take a guy with bad breath and open sores?! (Don’t rule out all mental disorders; some of them, on the low-end of the spectrum, are hot. Plus, I think, like, you have one.)

6. “Also, it’d be nice if you’re not a geriatric (30+ yrs) or jailbait (-18 yrs).”

I like that you have a healthy respect for the law re: jailbait. But defining geriatric as 30+ yrs? YOU BITCH.

7. “Just a warning, there’s a strong possibility that I may run away mid-kiss. Please don’t take offense, and you can keep the five dollars.”

YOU CRAZY, CRAZY BITCH.

[best-of-craigslist]

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12 Responses to “Best-Of-Craigslist: “Teach Me How To Kiss””

  1. dalianmoon says:

    Totally with you on point #6. I would take offense, but the chick obviously has a mental disorder. Which means she would never kiss herself.

  2. michael says:

    I don’t know.

    Really she’s not paying the guy for sexual favours, she’s paying him to go away after she’s done with him.

  3. Le says:

    WTF! I was gonna respond to her ad but I just turned 30 :(

  4. clawd says:

    As a girl who believed that the word “gullible” wasn’t in the dictionary, I just have to ask, was this craigslist post for real for real??

  5. Jen says:

    Lord knows. Is anything on craigslist for real for real?

  6. xnyk says:

    haha, I actually wrote that ad. I’m not crazy, btw. I just wasn’t completely serious. I actually don’t go to bars or drink, so I never had that option. Thanks though, for dissecting my post and diagnosing my mental state. Let me remind you that it’s Craigslist. It’s not exactly the sanest place.

  7. Jen says:

    Okay, then my next question is: did you find someone to teach you how to kiss?

  8. xnyk says:

    I did. I actually posted that a year ago but was flagged as spam. I just posted it again to see if i could get on Best Of (which was my original intention). A guy taught me how to kiss a year ago and we’re still best friends. He says I still owe him his $5.

  9. Jen says:

    Wait. So you actually met a stranger on Craigslist, he taught you how to kiss, and now you’re best friends? AMAZING. Write a guest-post for us!

    (I still think you’re a crazy bitch but I mean that in the best possible way. I like you. You’re funny and kind of adorable.)

    xo
    This Crazy Bitch

  10. xnyk says:

    Hi everyone!

    I am the guy that taught this Asian to kiss. Just posting so you know we are legit, I feel pretty famous for this ad ever since it made best of CL.

    She told me to tell you all she’s an awesome kisser now! And she is (now), it took a decent amount of practice.

    I thought the way you dissected her post was hilarious and spot on. Almost everything you said was true :)

    And yes she still owes me money.

    Love,

    That guy

  11. xnyk says:

    HAHA I loved how you tagged this “Asians love homework”

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