A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.
Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.
But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?
Why, for love.
You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead of thanking bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.
Gosh. It gets sadder. Despite the fact that Xiaoqing is only 21 and her mind and body are still totally mid-evolution, this process is moving forward, full steam ahead. The surgery will actually be free–the hospital is donating their services to prove their surgical prowess, so that their lucky patient can continue her life with no regrets EXCEPT THAT SHE MAULED HER FACE WITH A KNIFE TO LOOK LIKE SOME FAMOUS PERSON HER EX-BOYFRIEND COULDN’T STOP JERKING OFF TO.
And so, though I doubt she’ll take sound advice from a stranger, I would like to openly state 10 Reasons NOT to Go Under the Knife to Look Like Jessica Alba. (I hope Xiaoqing’s reading this) They are:
1. You don’t need surgery. You’re beautiful the way you are.
2. Dude, NOBODY needs elective plastic surgery. Nobody.
3. The thought of you looking like somebody else…on purpose…even if they’re famous…is really creepy. Also, think about how she would feel. I get pissed if somebody at a party is wearing the same jacket as me. Imagine if someone wore your FACE!
4. Fair-haired Asian chicks can look really weird. And by weird, I mean nightmarish.
5. Sometimes, plastic surgery does not end well. Just sometimes.
6. Not saying you don’t know what you’re doing. Just saying that sometimes you feel differently at 21 than you do at 22…
7. Nothing in life is free. Have any of the doctors asked for a BJ?
8. Perfect asses are not all they’re cracked up to be. Sometimes people smack ‘em, and that really hurts.
9. Oh man, what if your dude watches ANOTHER movie adapted from a comic book, and falls for A DIFFERENT female star? THEN what?
10. Your ex-boyfriend is a DOUCHE. He couldn’t appreciate you for who you are, and that’s sad–not because you’re a victim, but because everyone deserves to be with a partner that gives them unwavering respect and love. A sicko like that guy will never be happy (he’ll also never pile the very married, very motherly, very out-of-his-league movie star he’s in love with), and that’s not something you should suffer for or destroy yourself over. It’s not about you, sadly. It’s about him, and he’s an extremely fucked up brotha. You can do better for yourself; from the sounds of this guy, it won’t be hard.
But hey. There are two sides to every coin. So Here’s 1 reason To Totally Go Forward With Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba So That You Can Try To Win Back Your Twisted D-Bag Ex:
1. Diana and Jen can pound 35 Cazadores shots apiece before swinging at your boy’s scrotum with a dull hatchet– and instead of being all grumpy about it, people will CHEER!!!!! Fun for almost everyone!
Filed under: Actresses, Awful, Chinese Woman Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba, Donasians That Suck, Douchebags, Everyone Involved Has Major Issues, Exes Suck, Fantastic Four, Ick, Jessica Alba, Movie Stars, Nerd Crushes, Obsessions, Plastic Surgery, Sad, Self-Esteem, Weird Chinese Behavior
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