10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)

February 5th, 2010 | 11 comments | Posted by Diana

A 21 year-old girl in China is getting plastic surgery to look like Jessica Alba.

Now Jess is really, really hot. Damn near perfect, if there is such a thing. Worse, she’s only better in person.

But why would anyone want to look like some actress instead of like themselves?

Why, for love.

You see, Xiaoqing (future patient) was dating some cheesedick for a year and a half that was so obsessed with Alba that it consumed him entirely (read: he is a freakish stalker gnome), and eventually she had to bail. Post facto, instead of thanking bejeezus that she got away from that sick, sad, reality-challenged nerdbomber, Xiaoqing began to regret the split and brainstormed ways to get him back. The result of all that thinking was the choice to alter her appearance and become, as Erasure may have put it, Alba-esque.

Gosh. It gets sadder. Despite the fact that Xiaoqing is only 21 and her mind and body are still totally mid-evolution, this process is moving forward, full steam ahead. The surgery will actually be free–the hospital is donating their services to prove their surgical prowess, so that their lucky patient can continue her life with no regrets EXCEPT THAT SHE MAULED HER FACE WITH A KNIFE TO LOOK LIKE SOME FAMOUS PERSON HER EX-BOYFRIEND COULDN’T STOP JERKING OFF TO.

And so, though I doubt she’ll take sound advice from a stranger, I would like to openly state 10 Reasons NOT to Go Under the Knife to Look Like Jessica Alba. (I hope Xiaoqing’s reading this) They are:

1. You don’t need surgery. You’re beautiful the way you are.

2. Dude, NOBODY needs elective plastic surgery. Nobody.

3. The thought of you looking like somebody else…on purpose…even if they’re famous…is really creepy. Also, think about how she would feel. I get pissed if somebody at a party is wearing the same jacket as me. Imagine if someone wore your FACE!

4. Fair-haired Asian chicks can look really weird. And by weird, I mean nightmarish.

5. Sometimes, plastic surgery does not end well. Just sometimes.

6. Not saying you don’t know what you’re doing. Just saying that sometimes you feel differently at 21 than you do at 22…

7. Nothing in life is free. Have any of the doctors asked for a BJ?

8. Perfect asses are not all they’re cracked up to be. Sometimes people smack ‘em, and that really hurts.

9. Oh man, what if your dude watches ANOTHER movie adapted from a comic book, and falls for A DIFFERENT female star? THEN what?

Like heroine!

10. Your ex-boyfriend is a DOUCHE. He couldn’t appreciate you for who you are, and that’s sad–not because you’re a victim, but because everyone deserves to be with a partner that gives them unwavering respect and love. A sicko like that guy will never be happy (he’ll also never pile the very married, very motherly, very out-of-his-league movie star he’s in love with), and that’s not something you should suffer for or destroy yourself over. It’s not about you, sadly. It’s about him, and he’s an extremely fucked up brotha. You can do better for yourself; from the sounds of this guy, it won’t be hard.

But hey. There are two sides to every coin. So Here’s 1 reason To Totally Go Forward With Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba So That You Can Try To Win Back Your Twisted D-Bag Ex:

1. Diana and Jen can pound 35 Cazadores shots apiece before swinging at your boy’s scrotum with a dull hatchet– and instead of being all grumpy about it, people will CHEER!!!!! Fun for almost everyone!

[Reuters: Woman Seeks Jessica Alba Makeover To Win Back Lover]

Source Source Source Source Source
Thanks, Stephanie and Abe!

Filed under: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

11 Responses to “10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It)”

  1. dalianmoon says:

    How sad. If she just gives it a little time, she could find a man who truly appreciates her for who she is. This ex of her will (hopefully) be out of her head and heart one day. And then won’t she be sorry!

    Nobody should ever have that kind of power over you and your sense of self. Nobody.

  2. Teamrobhogg says:

    Break out the tequila, I’ll cheer

  3. clawd says:

    (Loved this article.)

    Despite the fact that this girl is just a little bit deluded, I have to say that having been heart broken only three months ago, I can totally relate to this chick. I remember shopping a shit load (like I’m talking A LOT) after he broke up with me, thinking that if I made myself look better by wearing more make-up and dressing more “Japanese”-y (he had a thing for Japanese chicks — once caught him looking up soft porn of Japanese girls in bikinis with big ass boobs on youtube…f*cker — he’d want me back.

    The problem with this poor girl is like you said, she has little to no self-esteem and strongly believes that her act of desperation will make her more attractive…

    SO WRONG. No man will take you back if you’re so insecure that you have to change yourself. I think one of the most attractive qualities of any person, whether you’re a male or female, is showing that you’re comfortable in your own skin..and in this case, in your own face.

    P.S. Blonde hair on Asians really DOES look freaking scary.

  4. Diana says:

    Oh Clawd, haven’t we all been there? I certainly have.

    Just hoping somebody that cares about this girl SHOWS her before she makes any wild moves. And that one day, she finds a way to truly love herself.

  5. david says:

    Looks like she took the whole doppelganger thing a bit too far.

  6. clawd says:

    I don’t know if i understand drmillman’s comment: “If your ex won’t take you back unless you undergo a number of plastic surgeries designed to help you emulate a movie star, you don’t necessarily have a problem.”

    wah? I’m confused.

  7. farleyk says:

    I think, after rereading the phrase a few times, drmillman is trying to say that if your ex is demanding such things from you, breaking up with said ex was a good thing, and not a problem.

  8. [...] This post was mentioned on Twitter by DISGRASIAN, jasminedavila, denisekuan, Amy Cheng, Calvin Ho 何義俊 and others. Calvin Ho 何義俊 said: RT @disgrasian: 10 Reasons Not To Get Plastic Surgery To Look Like Jessica Alba (And One Reason To Do It) http://url4.eu/1KBRy [...]

  9. hsiu says:

    Super late to the party, but also: that hospital sounds incredibly sketchy! The doctors really couldn’t find any other way to demonstrate their surgical prowess? Really?

  10. Lea says:

    Here are the real reasons to don’t get any plastic surgery: http://goodbyeimplants.com/plastic-surgery-stories

  11. [...] this story from the ladies at Disgrasian, which in turn got the story [...]

Leave a Reply

You must be logged in to post a comment.


Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 5: Everybody Was Kung Fu Fighting

April 26th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Not all martials arts movies look same.

The cast of HBO's 'Girls'

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 4: Was The HBO ‘Girls’ Controversy About Racism Or Sexism?

April 25th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Girl talk.


Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 3, aka Hump Day: What To Do When Your Friend Likes Racist Music

April 24th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Should you dump a friend who likes racist stuff?

office space

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 2: Workplace Segregation + A Little History Lesson

April 23rd, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen

Don’t hate, integrate.

I was trying to give Andrew bunny ears, but I ended up throwing an Asian peace sign instead. Yo, I think that's racist.

Yo, Is This Racist? Podcast f/t DISGRASIAN Day 1: Natural Hair

April 22nd, 2013 | 1 comment | Posted by Jen

Wherein we take all of your racist questions. (Some of them, anyway.)

Photo by Lee-Jin Man/AP

Creepy Photo Of S. Korean Soldier Wielding Machine Gun In Front Of Laughing Children Kinda Sums Up Where We Are At This Juncture

April 18th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen



If North Korea Attacks Us, I Have Just One Favor To Ask God

April 5th, 2013 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

North Korea is so hot right now.

Screen Shot 2013-02-28 at 11.22.12 AM

Michelle Malkin Desperately Wants To Be Michelle Obama

February 28th, 2013 | 2 comments | Posted by Jen


Screen Shot 2012-12-05 at 2.52.57 PM

Penn State Sorority Girls Will Work For Weed & Beer

December 5th, 2012 | 6 comments | Posted by Jen

Viva racism!


Intern Jasmine’s Links Of The Daysian: The Ass Pants & Butt-Rubbing Edition

November 30th, 2012 | 1 comment | Posted by jasmine

We here at DISGRASIAN™ are going to use our buying power to buy as many Samsung butt-rubbed phones as we can.


Things I Thought I’d Never See: A Dude Rapping In Korean At The American Music Awards

November 19th, 2012 | 3 comments | Posted by Jen

Gangnam Time? Hammer Style?


RIP Twinkies, RIP Name Asians Like To Call Other Asians Who Are Less Asian Than They Are

November 16th, 2012 | 5 comments | Posted by Jen

How are we going to insult one another now?!