“Ken, I am like, fully having soooo much fun in India! I’m so glad that I decided to wear my Indian vest and jean shorts to tonight’s gala. Remember when we bought this vest in New Mexico? I actually am kinda loving it right now.
Anyway, how much are you feeling this country? Everyone keeps saying sorry, sorry, sorry all the time. Who was it that was telling me that I should wear sorries for special parties? I didn’t know how to look sorry, so I just wore this old vest!
OMG, we have taken sooooo many awesome (three) pictures of all of the beautiful sights ( including ourselves at totally nondescript locations like the airport) here in this strange country!! Right?? I really kinda dig the hand b-b-bling, right? Look at this! It’s like somebody… drew all over my hand! I feel like they should, like, totally do this in America, cuz it looks so good on you no matter what size you are. Just like shoes and sweatpants. But I’m not sure about this bindi thing. I think it makes me look cross-eyed. Every time I look at it in the mirror I look cross-eyed.
Oh oh oh–but when I was complaining about my dot being too weird, Neha told me I looked like Gwen Stefani! Do you think I look like Gwen Stefani? And OMG question: How did Gwen get so skinny after that second baby already? She’s like Ashlee, they’re all, ‘Ohmygaw! I just like, run around after the baby or whatever and I already look cute in jumper shorts and pumps!’ Whatever. If I had a baby, I bet I’d be all skinny and stuff, and I would wear shorts every day.
UGH. KEN. I need you to be real, real honest with me for one second. And never repeat that I asked you this: When did I become the yucky sister? It was always like, Ashlee was the ugly sister with the big hips, and I was a Barbie and I could just like, be totally nice and everything, and bring her along for the ride. I had the boys, and she had her like, y’know, little friends and stuff. Now she’s like ‘I’m married! I have a baby! I have red hair! I have no fat on my stomach!’ and I’m all, ‘Oh ma gaw, I hate football now, I hate boys–unless they’re YOU, Ken! You’re my man and you know that!–I need a wrap to cover up my mom bikini because my butt looks like ASS.’ And Ashlee’s just all, ‘go for it, girl! Sing them country songs!’ Do you think she’s trying to show me up with all of her stupid hats and black nail polish and acting career and stuff? Not that she would, but I don’t really trust her. She always tells me that stuff I’m wearing makes me look amazing, and then the next day Us Weekly tells me I look like a sausage. I don’t wanna look like a sausage! That betch is trying to ruin me! Just because Daddy loves me more! It was all that stupid nose job, Ken! She was nothing before that nose job! She was nothing before me! I’m the beautiful one, Ken! I’M THE BEAUTIFUL ONE! I’M THE BEEAAAUUTIFUL ONE!!!!!!!”
Filed under: Ashlee Simpson, Bindis, Boring Peope, Gwen Stefani, Has-Beens, Idiots, India, Jessica Simpson, ken paves, Losing "It", Mom Bikinis, Racial Drag, Reality TV, Sublebrities, The Price Of Beauty
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