When Leaders Collide: Bill Clinton and Kim Jong Il

August 4th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
Kim Jong Il and Bill Clinton meet in North Korea Tuesday to
discuss the release of detained Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling
(Screen grab from video of still photo)

KIM JONG IL: Oh, hey! Bill, good of you to come! What brings you to DPRK?

BILL CLINTON: With all due respect, sir, you know why I’m here. It’s time for you to return Euna and Laura.

KIM JONG IL: Oh yeah! Yeah! Sounds great. Are you hungry?

BILL CLINTON: Thank you, sir. I’m not–

KIM JONG IL: Let’s take a picture. Does anybody have a camera? [To staff member] Grab that video guy. Shoot a little bit of me with Billy boy.

BILL CLINTON: I don’t really know if this is the time or pl–

KIM JONG IL: [To camera] Yo, wazzup! Your boy Kim here with the former prez of the USA!

BILL CLINTON: I’m here on a humanitarian mission. We have a deal. You know this.

KIM JONG IL: Yeah, yeah, of course we have a deal! Listen, are you sure you’re not hungry? Let’s just get some dinner, we’ll talk, we’ll get to everything you need…

BILL CLINTON: O…kay.

KIM JONG IL: God, BILL! It’s great to see you. Seriously. Man, you should come by more often. We gotta hang.

BILL CLINTON: This is not a “hang,” I’m here to discuss Lee and Ling, who you sentenced to 12 years in hard labor prison.

KIM JONG IL: Oh, that was mostly just for leverage. I wanted somebody like you to come over here and have dinner with me.

BILL CLINTON: Well, I’m here, asshole.

KIM JONG IL: OMG, did you hear about the World’s Biggest Asshole thing?

BILL CLINTON: Excuse me?

KIM JONG IL: Never mind.

BILL CLINTON: Maybe we should sit down and get into discussions. I don’t have a lot of time.

KIM JONG IL: I know I know I know. Rush, rush, rush! Don’t you feel like we’re always in a hurry? I mean, what are we hurrying for? We’re all going to die someday.

BILL CLINTON: [Frustrated] Yes. Hopefully some of us sooner than others.

KIM JONG IL: Oh, Bubba, don’t be like that.

BILL CLINTON: Please stop addressing me that way. President Clinton, or Bill, please.

KIM JONG IL: Alright, Bill Please! [laughs hysterically]

BILL CLINTON: Pardon me for asking, but are you on something?

KIM JONG IL: A shit ton of Vicodin and this experimental drug that makes me seem like I’m alive! Aw man, I’m just glad to see you.

BILL CLINTON: I feel like you’re just hungry for attention.

KIM JONG IL: Nuh-UH.

BILL CLINTON: I’m not here for a pleasant visit. I don’t like your nukes, I don’t like your world tactics, and I’m furious that you’ve imprisoned American journalists.

KIM JONG IL: But they were producing a smear campaign against North Korea!

BILL CLINTON: Dude, HAVE YOU PICKED UP A PAPER LATELY? Your rep is established. There’s no more “smearing” left to do.

KIM JONG IL: I’ll nuke you.

BILL CLINTON: Oh, there you go again. Do you realize that this is all just a vicious cycle? You’re not making things any better for yourself.

KIM JONG IL: Why can’t people just see that I’m cool and awesome and the best?

BILL CLINTON: Because you’re a dick and your appearance frightens small children.

KIM JONG IL: I’m sorry. About everything. I just put up these walls

BILL CLINTON: Yes. Literally.

KIM JONG IL: It’s like I’ve gone so far, I can’t turn back.

BILL CLINTON: Well, you’re going to have to.

KIM JONG IL: I can’t!

BILL CLINTON: Listen. One step at a time. Hand over the girls. Let me take them home.

[deep, sad pause]

KIM JONG IL: Okay.

[NYT: Bill Clinton Meets Kim Jong Il in North Korea]

Photo Source: AP
Thanks to Aviva, Abe, Cate and Mohammad!

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