discuss the release of detained Journalists Euna Lee and Laura Ling
(Screen grab from video of still photo)
KIM JONG IL: Oh, hey! Bill, good of you to come! What brings you to DPRK?
BILL CLINTON: With all due respect, sir, you know why I’m here. It’s time for you to return Euna and Laura.
KIM JONG IL: Oh yeah! Yeah! Sounds great. Are you hungry?
BILL CLINTON: Thank you, sir. I’m not–
KIM JONG IL: Let’s take a picture. Does anybody have a camera? [To staff member] Grab that video guy. Shoot a little bit of me with Billy boy.
BILL CLINTON: I don’t really know if this is the time or pl–
KIM JONG IL: [To camera] Yo, wazzup! Your boy Kim here with the former prez of the USA!
BILL CLINTON: I’m here on a humanitarian mission. We have a deal. You know this.
KIM JONG IL: Yeah, yeah, of course we have a deal! Listen, are you sure you’re not hungry? Let’s just get some dinner, we’ll talk, we’ll get to everything you need…
BILL CLINTON: O…kay.
KIM JONG IL: God, BILL! It’s great to see you. Seriously. Man, you should come by more often. We gotta hang.
BILL CLINTON: This is not a “hang,” I’m here to discuss Lee and Ling, who you sentenced to 12 years in hard labor prison.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, that was mostly just for leverage. I wanted somebody like you to come over here and have dinner with me.
BILL CLINTON: Well, I’m here, asshole.
KIM JONG IL: OMG, did you hear about the World’s Biggest Asshole thing?
BILL CLINTON: Excuse me?
KIM JONG IL: Never mind.
BILL CLINTON: Maybe we should sit down and get into discussions. I don’t have a lot of time.
KIM JONG IL: I know I know I know. Rush, rush, rush! Don’t you feel like we’re always in a hurry? I mean, what are we hurrying for? We’re all going to die someday.
BILL CLINTON: [Frustrated] Yes. Hopefully some of us sooner than others.
KIM JONG IL: Oh, Bubba, don’t be like that.
BILL CLINTON: Please stop addressing me that way. President Clinton, or Bill, please.
KIM JONG IL: Alright, Bill Please! [laughs hysterically]
BILL CLINTON: Pardon me for asking, but are you on something?
KIM JONG IL: A shit ton of Vicodin and this experimental drug that makes me seem like I’m alive! Aw man, I’m just glad to see you.
BILL CLINTON: I feel like you’re just hungry for attention.
KIM JONG IL: Nuh-UH.
BILL CLINTON: I’m not here for a pleasant visit. I don’t like your nukes, I don’t like your world tactics, and I’m furious that you’ve imprisoned American journalists.
KIM JONG IL: But they were producing a smear campaign against North Korea!
BILL CLINTON: Dude, HAVE YOU PICKED UP A PAPER LATELY? Your rep is established. There’s no more “smearing” left to do.
KIM JONG IL: I’ll nuke you.
BILL CLINTON: Oh, there you go again. Do you realize that this is all just a vicious cycle? You’re not making things any better for yourself.
KIM JONG IL: Why can’t people just see that I’m cool and awesome and the best?
BILL CLINTON: Because you’re a dick and your appearance frightens small children.
KIM JONG IL: I’m sorry. About everything. I just put up these walls…
BILL CLINTON: Yes. Literally.
KIM JONG IL: It’s like I’ve gone so far, I can’t turn back.
BILL CLINTON: Well, you’re going to have to.
KIM JONG IL: I can’t!
BILL CLINTON: Listen. One step at a time. Hand over the girls. Let me take them home.
[deep, sad pause]
KIM JONG IL: Okay.
Photo Source: AP
Thanks to Aviva, Abe, Cate and Mohammad!
Leave a Reply
You must be logged in to post a comment.