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Start your weekend off right by watching a kid get something so wrong–or it is sooo right?–on a TV game show:
LMFYAO (Laughing My Fucking Yellow Ass Off).
That’s Emiri Miyasaka (Miss Universe Japan) above, in a brand-spankin’-new national costume, which she will apparently be wearing to the big galactic competition on August 23 of this year.
Perhaps on first glance (if you didn’t, like, immediately splooge all over yourself) you reacted as I did: “Ugh. God. Awful.”
Or like the handful of angry readers that posted comments documented by Itai News (highlighted by Japan Probe, from whom we’re borrowing translation)–which accused her of mocking her home culture, then labeled her as “a national disgrace,” “perverted,” and a “stupid person” wearing a “stupidly designed costume.”
Leave it to my trusty partner-in-crime, Jen, to approach the outfit slightly more thoughtfully: “Yeah, it’s really pervy, but we are talking a beauty pageant“–an event where coating one’s teeth with Vaseline, shoving one’s tits up their chin with tape, and spouting ignorant drivel from the stage are all kosher, if not recommended. Jen also ventured that the outfit might even be evidence of progress: maybe the Miss Universe Japan people are boldly stepping ahead of the curve, finally recognizing that the world kinda views the Japanese as pretty… pervy, and they’re beating everyone to the punch. How forward-thinking of them!
After all, what’s the real disgrace here? That she’s wearing lingerie?
Hell, we’ve seen Rachael Ray in skivvies before, for crying out loud. Total NBD. Conservative Middle America still loves the woman. I could take her or leave her, but that’s hardly the point.
By comparison, Miss Universe Japan looks covered up and downright bookish!
At the end of the day, regardless of its cosmic reach, we are in fact talking about a BEAUTY PAGEANT, not a post-doctoral graduation ceremony. Others may disagree, but in my eyes, this pageant is about as legit and respectable and culturally relevant as Star Magazine (perhaps less so). It’s a boiling cauldron of disgrace. It’s a disgrace diet shake.
Final thoughts: One thing I really, really, really, truly-ooly respect is Miyasaka’s hot legs. They’re awesome. Gotta give respeck where it’s due, y’know?
DIANA’S THOUGHT PROCESS WHILE WATCHING MICHELLE MALKIN’S RECENT INTERVIEW WITH MATT LAUER (IN PROMOTION OF HER NEW BOOK, CULTURE OF CORRUPTION):
Boy, am I hungry. I wonder if–Whoa. Wow! Those are some teeth! Jesus H.! Michelle Malkin, you do have some fascinating food grinders in that yapper of yours. Do those teeth even fit in that mouth? You work so hard to just streeeetccchhh the top lip, juuust over the rabbit fronts… Do be do be doooo… Oh crap, I’ve got a split end. Where did I put my small scissors? Ope–there’s the new book. OHYEAH…Rah! Corruption in the White House! That’s a new one! Hmm… Book cover could be more clever, for chrissake. Do better, Michelle! Don’t go hiring these up-and-coming graphic designers, that’s just a kind word for “in college!” Oh man. Choppers. Look at her struggle to keep ‘em covered. Her poor lips must be exhausted. Come to think of it, I’m pretty tired… Oh gosh, I never noticed it before, but Matt Lauer is kind of adorable when he’s befuddled and seething with disgust. He hates her. Look how he just totally fucking hates her crazy face… Oh my. Relax that right foot, Michelle! Relax it! You look like you’re about to get up and do a jig!… Ah… Could totally go for some chiclets right now. So strangely in the mood… Oh Mirkin. Slow the fuck down. Your teeth are getting ahead of you now. You’re motoring through your schtick faster than you can jig!… Anyhoozle… I wonder what Jen’s up to right now. She would hate Malkin’s eyebrows. Heck, I do. This gal is wound up so tight! Ohmygaw I JUST realized what she reminds me of! That smug, long-necked, grim chick in my sixth grade class–What was her name? Leslie? Melissa?–who was always worked into a frenzy before giving presentations; she’d always be so intense and jacked up about speaking that she’d just end up shouting every word at the class like an angry Asian grandma with a failure for a grandson, at all times forcing herself to smile. That smile was like a crack in paint, just WRONG. How creepy was she? Also, what was her stupid name again?… This interview is awkward. So awkward. This is worse than Amy Adams on Letterman the other night… Anyway. I wonder if it takes Michelle Malkin longer to floss than most people. Can she use those floss sticks, still? I bet so. Oh man, Lauer is getting an earful. I bet his ears hurt, cuz creepy-crazy-smile-face won’t stop yelling at him! Oh, look how proud she is of that rhetoric. Look! She can’t wait to go home and write about in her
diary blog. She should spellcheck more. Oh crap, I should spellcheck more, too. Is it spell check? Or spellcheck? I can’t imagine that spellcheck was a word 100 years ago. But hey, I’ve been wrong before. Once or twice. Good gracious, is this over yet? Matt Lauer looks like he’s about to reach over and shake a bitch. Why do female right-wing pundits always open their eyes as wide as saucers? It’s so crackhead! It makes me nervous! Oh lawd. I’m too hungry for this. Thank god it’s over. Where can I get a breakfast burrito right now?
My sources tell me that the tagline on the Japanese poster for The September Issue, a highbrow feature doc exploring the inscrutable relationship between Anna Wintour and Grace Coddington of Vogue Magazine, translates to…
*Massive addendum: Reader Karan pointed out to us that the tagline of the film on this poster most certainly does not translate to anything about shining–a kernel of MISINFORMASIAN that we pulled directly from a PR flack’s outbox. As much as we hate to admit it, we were wrong. Shame on us for believing such nonsense! There’s a lesson to be learned: Don’t trust Diana’s sources!!!
Is this Best of Craigslist ad creepy? Adorable? Creepily adorable?
What we can say for sure is that this Craigslister is serious. Once again, we repeat, serious. And if you can show this guy a portfolio of your work, “it will probably give you an edge in the competition.”
Presuming, uh, there is competition for this kinda work.
Dude. I always thought that my brother and I were evil for calling our grandma “Wipes” (that’s short for “Wai Puo,” or maternal grandmother). But this guy “K-Dawg,” who teaches his Chinese grandma how to say “Fuck you,” “Bullshit,” and “Motherfucker,” is going straight to hell in a hilarious handbasket:
File this under Lost in Translationanigans!
We can only imagine what an annus horribilis it’s been for our Chief Fiscal Officer, since we broke and all. But let’s look on the bright side: if anyone’s going to get California out of this $26 billion dollar hole, it’s got to be someone like Chiang, who’s obvs good with numbers, no?
Filed under: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Asians Are Better at Math, California Budget Crisis, California State Controller John Chiang, Gay Marriage Supporters, Good at Math, John Chiang, Taiwanese-Americans
Jen and I are longtime friends and fans of the Good Asian Drivers, an edgy, poetry-based folk duo based out of Boston. They’re an adorable pair with all of the qualities we love: gender/race/sexuality-bending politics, mad Guitar Hero skillz, a hankering for dumplings, and great taste in blogs.
At long last, the band has added a third member (guitarist Ashley Baier) and released their first studio record, Drive Away Home. The album is a delightfully strong, yet casual mishmash of earnest, vivacious, alt-acoustic songs and eclectic, chaotic spoken word tracks. Despite its loose form, the album finds solid ground in its straightforward tone and spine of honesty. Transgender slam master Kit Yan pulls no punches in his spiraling disquisitions, not even when referring to himself: “But are you a man? Or are you a woman?/And you changed your name to ‘Kit’ now, so… do you wanna be straight?/And you look like a boy now, so… you’re straight, right?/But back when you were ‘Laura,’ you were gay/As if sexuality and gender were things that you could purchase on impulse.”
Good? Yes. Asian? Totally. Wherever these cool cats are driving, we wanna go.
xo, Melissa and Kit!
Respect for sports arbitrators are typically structured into the game itself. In baseball, for instance, respect for the umpire is built upon a tacit understanding; a player unhappy with a strike call can grumble all he wants, but the minute he turns around to confront and disgrace the ump, there’s gonna be T-R-O-U-B-L-E. In basketball, technical fouls can take a person out of the game, screwing up everything for the remaining lineup.
Still, I’ve always worried about the safety of sports refs–who at all times are making unpopular decisions in somebody‘s viewpoint–which is why I’m so glad that in American football, the refs (like my favorite python master, Ed Hochuli, pictured below) tend to be as burly as the players themselves.
Perhaps my conditioning to relatively good behavior in the company of referees explains the shock I felt eyeballing this CNN video– a clip of Tianjin football players pursuing and basically attacking a ref after a match in Beijing.
Thank bejeezus the man in blue had some legs on him–but the players in the vid could really stand to learn a lesson about sportsmanlike conduct. Sore losing is just shameful. Hell, I know Asians love to win, but shit–don’t we also care in excess about honor and pride?
I was too old to enjoy the Power Rangers when they skyrocketed in popularity during the late 90s, but I still always felt that the franchise was innately wrong. Zentai bodysuits and cardboard weaponry? “Sets” that appeared to be unreleased, unlit shots alongside the Haggin’s Market parking lot? Bored, nearing-thirty actors going through their power motions on camera, collecting paychecks for an infinite series of depleting, invalidating days on the set?? ZZzZzZzZzzzzZZzZzzz. It all just made me sad.
A couple of geniuses we know just released the trailer for the short-form series, MegaBot (see below), a fictional comedy that follows Rangers-esque characters, all grown up, hard up for cash and thus reunited–kinda like the documentary loudQUIETloud, which chronicles the Pixies’ financially-driven reunion, except delightfully bright and hilarious, and in wonderful excess of plucky racial slurs!
We’re Asian, so duh, we love YouTube. Add a character played by the crush-worthy Randall Park (adorned in yellow, natch, to match his Black co-star in black) to the screen, and we’re basically sold for life.
Thanks, Micah! Hi, Nathan!
Fact: Asians love Josh Groban.
It all goes back to Groban’s version of “You Raise Me Up.” “YRMU” is a siren song to our people–vaguely religious, anthemic, treacly, referencing nature–”mountains” and “stormy seas”–and perfect for karaoke (and by “perfect” I mean perfect for butchering, given some of its tricky high notes).
A Japanese version of it was the theme song to a 2007 anime series called Romeo x Juliet.
Filipina teen singing phenom and Oprah-favorite Charice Pempengco recorded it for her second album, My Inspiration, which was released in May of this year.
Shoot, even my parents sang it with their Chinese choir a few years ago (um, speaking of butchering).
So, I’m not saying Katy Perry, who’s been linked with Josh Groban, is Asian or anything…
But I think it’s really really weird that she stole my mama’s tattoo.
In 106 years of racing, no Japanese rider has ever completed the Tour De France. This year, however, two Japanese riders crossed the finish line at the Champs-Élysées, irrefutably putting Japanese cycling on the world map: Yukiya Arashiro (from Team BBOX Bouygues Telecom) and Fumiyuki Beppu (from Team Skil-Shimano).
I still don’t quite understand how the hell any human rider managed to get through the entire tour of 2009–one of the hardest courses in years–especially with the second-to-last stage a grueling, windy, super-gnarly climb up Mont Ventoux. A person has to be a machine to charge up that incline at the end of three weeks–any dude that can sack up at that level on the 22nd day is seriously A-OK in my book.
Speaking of sacks! Yellow jersey winner Alberto Contador must have some serious balls.
He wins the highest honor of the Gentleman’s team sport, aided by legendary teammate and rival Lance Armstrong (who, fresh out of retirement, stood on the podium at 3rd and helped grab the overall victory for their team, Astana) and says:
Dayum. I don’t know these two personally, but I do understand teamwork and its role in cycling–and I’m pretty sure that’s not the best way to say, “Thank you for my yellow jersey and team win.”
Contador’s sure got a scrote of steel, but what a dick!
Filed under: Alberto Contador, Bad Sportsmanship, Balls, Cycling, Dicks, Even Champions Can Be Dicks, Fumiyuki Beppu, Lance Armstrong, Mont Ventoux, Talking Shit, Team Astana, Tour De France, Yukiya Arashiro