SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: I Feel Sorry for Chien-Ming Wang and That Throws My Whole Identity into Crisis

June 18th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Realizing that you feel sorry for a Yankee player is, I imagine, something like waking up one day with an STD gnawing away at your genitals. (Not that I speak from experience, because, um, eww.) How did this happen? Who did this to me? What’s it gonna take to get over this horrible affliction?

Of course I’ve always had a soft spot for Chien-Ming Wang, because we have the same name, and he’s schooling people on how to say it right. I even like to think that we might be distant cousins. But as long as he’s in pinstripes, fuck him. Then again, he’s having an EPIC FAIL year. Last week, it was revealed that he had the worst ERA (21.61 runs) through five starts since they started keeping track of ERA’s–back in 1913. Then he was told before this Wednesday’s game against the Nationals–along with the media and everybody else who reads the sports pages–that he was pitching for his job. “We thought it was in our best interests to be honest with him and tell him it’s time to be the real Chien-Ming Wang,” his manager Joe Girardi said, prior to the game.

Although the Yankees lost yesterday, the “real Chien-Ming Wang” showed up and had his best outing of the year, which means he keeps his job for now. (Clearly, Girardi understands the efficacy of Hardass Public Humiliasian.) As an added bonus, Wang and his wife, Chia-Ling Wu, welcomed their first child, Justin Jesse Wang, on Tuesday. So things are finally looking up for the dude.

Which is good, because feeling sorry for a Yankee is about as pleasurable as an itchy, burning crotch.

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