DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! Kate "Mommy D’Eau-est" Gosselin

June 12th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

“Kate Gosselin Should Be Sent to Jail.”

“Kate Gosselin Is A Monster.”

“Kate Gosselin might be the devil.”

These were just some of the blogosphere headlines that sprang up in the last 24 hours after this candid camera-oops of Kate Gosselin denying her twin daughter Mady water before an Access Hollywood interview found its way onto the internet:

Okay. Now that we got that over with, everybody take a deep breath and a fuckin’ chill pill, alright?

We don’t know if Kate Gosselin is a bad mother. We don’t know if 8 year-old Mady really hadn’t had water all day or she was just being a drama queen (Google her name and you’ll get “bitch,” “devil’s child,” and “needs discipline”). We don’t have any context for this moment, and we sure as shit don’t know what it’s like to have 8 kids and how that works your nerves.

But we do know one thing–this is no way to treat your Talent. And that’s precisely what those kids are, considering the Gosselins’ payout per Jon & Kate Plus 8 episode is $50,000-$75,000, not to mention all the free shit they receive, like those his-and-hers motorcycles and Kate’s plastic surgery. Plus, the kids are the reason why most people tune in in the first place. Sure people are still interested in Jon and Kate, but mostly, these days, for the schadenfreude. We delight in seeing Kate become more of a controlling, henpecking biatch and Jon an ineffectual, emasculated fat-face. We think there’s some relationship-truth to be gleaned from watching theirs fall apart, a pearl of wisdom in their misery that explains the essential difference between men and women and makes us feel better about ourselves. We’re busy picking sides (Team Jon and Team Kate tees, anyone?) while simultaneously reveling in both teams’ failure. If we want them to reconcile, it’s partly because we know that it would make for really “good TV.”

But the kids? They just work here–in this dismal, falling-apart, faking-it-for-the-cameras, cash cow-”reality.” And they are adorbs, the silver lining of an otherwise sad, sad cloud. So somebody–whether it’s their mom or an obsequious P.A.–better be getting them some top-of-the-line bottled water (we’re thinking Fiji) when they ask for it. Because they’ve fucking earned it.

Thanks, Erica and Jasmine!

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