You are currently browsing the archives for June, 2009

Dick on a Stick, Yum!

Inspired by Arrested Development, two enterprising young women in Austin have opened the Texas capital’s first-ever frozen banana stand. As the Decider Austin pointed out, unlike in the show, the proprietors “didn’t steal their business idea from a hard-working Korean.” The stand is called Bananarchy, and like so many other hip food joints these days, it’s got a Facebook group and a Twitter account.

That’s adorable! That’s life imitating art! That…


…that thing on the left, I’m pretty sure, is a dick on a stick.

What’s the deal with blowjobs and food lately?

[via Videogum]

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Where in the World is Kim Jong Il Korea?

Here’s a photo of Kim Jong Il during a military unit visit on April 25, published in the South Korean newspaper Chosun Ilbo.


And here’s him doing another military unit visit on June 14.


Wait. No. Wait. No. That’s the same one, just blurry and missing a couple of dudes–hold on. Let me find it.


Shoot. That’s the same photo again. Isn’t it? Isn’t it?

Huuuuuuunnnnh. Guess that’s the question of the hour. How very interesting.

Now wait. This is big. If North Korea is doctoring photos of Kim, that means one of the following:

  1. Kim Jong Il is finally so filled with shame and remorse for being a chubby, bull-headed, nuke-loving dick-tator, that he refuses to show his face in public anymore. Yay!
  2. Kim Jong Il is too fat to walk.
  3. Kim Jong Il overslept on June 25 and this photo was part of a sloppy coverup scheme.
  4. Kim Jong Il just discovered this awesome shit called Photoshop! Favorite tool: smudge.
  5. Kim Jong Il is dead as a bed.
  6. Kim Jong Il is ill for rill, near death, and not up and able for photo-ops. Time for him to throw in the goddamn towel and stop being such a giant worldwide cheesedick.

I’m going with 3. Totally.

[NYT: Photo Stirs Speculation on North Korean Leader]

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Thanks, Jen!

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Chinese Internet Filter Censors "Gay Content," "Illegal Activities," and Garfield the Cat (UPDATE)

Garfield is obscene. So are pictures of cooked pork and close-ups of Johnny Depp’s face, according to Green Dam software, an Internet filter that will be preinstalled on every personal computer sold in China beginning July 1. (Oh, and Paris Hilton, too, but we already knew that.)


Such is the sophisticasian of China’s latest technology designed to further the government’s authoritarian reach prevent moral decay among its citizens. In addition to blocking what it perceives as obscene, Green Dam also allows its users to filter out “gay content” and “illegal activities,” which is to say, all of the fun stuff.

Geez, why not take down the entire world wide web while you’re at it, Communist Party poopers.

[UPDATE: China is postponing the installation of Green Dam software in new computers. Guess they're reconsidering the Garfield issue.]

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Thanks, Neal!

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BABEWATCH: Kimiko Date Krumm

Name: Kimiko Date (pronounced Dah-tay) Krumm

Age: 38

Hails from: Japan

Occupation: Professional tennis player

Why She’s a Babe: Because Kimiko came out of a 12-year retirement from tennis last year to compete again professionally. And at 38 years old, she’s typically playing opponents half her age. At 5’4″, 117 lbs.–of compact, tightly-ripped muscle–she’s also taking on players who are way bigger and faster than they were back in her day. That takes–no pun intended–balls. And ballsy play–even when you lose in the first round of Wimbledon–is hot.

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Thanks, Michael!

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Photoshut the F*ck Up

The fine fellas over at Homo Shame sent me this gem, a disgraceful-in-every-way Photoshop job–filed under “Horrible Gays,” captioned “Oh U,” and filenamed “asain.jpg” at Photobucket (Like I said: In. Every. Way.).

Oh, Ew.

This man’s altered face will most certainly give me nightmares (if that wrist bone doesn’t do it first). I haven’t seen a face that chinked-up in a long time, either. Damn wow. I can’t even go there.

But I will point out that, all fucked-up innuendo aside, this dude’s hand looks pretty darn big. Huge, in fact. HUGE and MIGHTY with GIRTH, muthafuckaz!

[via Photobucket]

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Thanks, Jonathan!

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"All I Did Was Eat Your Dumplings"

Lessons learned from the following video:

a) Do not eat your older sister’s motherfuckin’ dumplings.

b) If you fail to follow through with a), capture your sister’s hissy fit on camera and then upload it to YouTube so that she winds up looking “like the bitch” to Mom and everybody else on the planet.

Also…

c) Drugs are bad.

[via BuzzFeed]

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! The Honorable Denny Chin, aka The Man Who Sentenced Madoff to 150 Years


Name: Denny Chin

Hails from: Born in Hong Kong, raised in New York City

Occupation: U.S. District Court Judge

Before his sentencing Monday for committing $65 billion in fraud in the largest Ponzi scheme ever, Bernard Madoff told his victims in court, “I live in a tormented state for all the pain and suffering I created. I left a legacy of shame. It is something I will live with for the rest of my life.” While Judge Denny Chin, who presided over the case, had reportedly been “unfailingly courteous, and almost solicitous” toward Madoff throughout the trial, Chin still handed him the maximum sentence of 150 years in prison for his crimes. He also called these crimes “extraordinary evil.”

Under normal circumstances, we might say this was a case of Hardass Asian Sentencing, but in Madoff’s case, is there such a thing?

[CNNMoney.com: The man who gave Madoff the max]

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Thanks, Zoe!

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Scrunchies Kill

I like to think of myself as a game person who’s up for a lot of things, but there are a few things in life I’ve never tried that I’m really glad I haven’t. The reason being that these things, in one way or another, I associate with death.

  1. Heroin
  2. Roadkill for dinner
  3. Scrunchies in my hair

I have never worn a scrunchie in all of my [REDACTED] years on this not-so-green Earth. Not even to the gym. (Okay, okay, I never go to the gym either.) But a scrunchie has never touched a hair on my head and it never will. I don’t care what you say, American Apparel.


I don’t care how much T & A & Mounds-of-Crotch you throw at me. I don’t care how old this makes me sound (“I remember when they came out with scrunchies the first time around…honey, be a dear and hand me my teeth, will you?“). And I really don’t care that that this means I will continue to be judged through lowered, sloppily-mascaraed wall-eyes as someone who doesn’t “get it” by some 80 lb. airhead working the American Apparel cash register who subsists solely on a diet of vegan food, Parliaments, and bad spelling.


I’ve got a record to uphold. Not to mention my dignity.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! People Who Suck at Math (Ahem, Iran Election Riggers)

Two interesting stories surfaced this week about people who suck at math.

The first had to with an American Institutes for Research report that’s created a new international grading index to compare state and national math scores with those of other countries. And guess what? The U.S. sucks at math, earning a C+ overall and coming in 12th in the world. Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan, and Japan scored the highest in that order. (Dude. Even Kazakhstan and Latvia punked us.)

But whatever, the U.S. lagging behind Asian countries in math is not really news, right?


The other story about people sucking at math that’s a bit more surprising has to do with the Iran election. First came the report from British think tank, Chatham House, which showed that Ahmadinejad received 13 million more votes than he and other conservatives got in 2005, an unlikely occurrence considering his waning popularity. They also found that in two provinces, Mazandaran and Yazd, turnout was more than 100 percent.

Then Bernd Beber and Alexandra Scacco, two Ph.D. candidates in political science at Columbia, performed their own mathematical experiment, publishing their results in a Washington Post op/ed. Beber and Scacco looked at “digit frequencies” in the vote counts–when numbers recur at certain rates it suggests human tampering–to come up with a statistical probability that the election was fair.

And, according to their findings, the probability that the election was fair came out to .005 percent.

What does all this mean? The Iranian election riggers–Ahmadinejad & Co.–really really really suck at math. But perhaps what makes them even stupider is that they didn’t have the good sense to outsource that numbers-tampering shit to people who don’t suck at math. To people, say, in Hong Kong, Singapore, Taiwan, or Japan (duh!).

[AP: Analysis casts doubts on Ahmadinejad's victory]
[Washington Post: The Devil Is in the Digits]

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L’Oréal Says You’re "Worth It" So Long as You’re White

L’Oréal, the world’s largest beauty and cosmetic company, was found guilty of racial discrimination in France’s highest court this week for seeking to hire an all-white sales team to represent its Garnier Fructis Style line of hair care products.

Garnier Fuckthis Style

The London Times reported that L’Oréal gave verbal instructions to the recruitment agency it employed to hire people who were BBR–“bleu, blanc, rouge”–the colors of the French flag, which is “widely recognised in the French recruitment world as a code for white French people born to white French parents.”

Although 38.7 percent of the pool of candidates were either black, Arab, or Asian, only 4.65 percent of the Garnier hires were non-white.

Because “you’re worth it”–as L’Oréal’s famous ad slogan goes–so long as you’re not brown.

In 2008, it was widely speculated that L’Oréal had lightened Beyonce’s hair and skin in one of their ads

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China Gets a Hummer (UPDATE)

A Chinese company has reached a tentative agreement to buy GM’s bankrupt-in-every-sense-of-the-word Hummer division.


Which means we’re witnessing the dawn of a new age–China becoming a nation of 1.3 billion douchebags!

For those who were extremely terrified of Chinese people before…buckle your seatbelts.

[UPDATE: BusinessWeek reports that China may block the sale because of its "energy-saving goals." Douchebag Crisis averted?]

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Thanks, @MarisaNakasone!
Thanks, Neal!

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He’s Out of My Life: Goodbye, Michael Jackson?


We’ve lost a lot of stars this week to that great walk of fame in the sky (R.I.P. Ed and Farrah).

But I wasn’t ready for the emotional blow that accompanied today’s announcement of Michael Jackson’s cardiac arrest, resulting coma and death.

Jackson is the reason that a perfect stranger sang “Dirty Diana” to me over morning coffee, why I danced under a restaurant awning at lunch–and why I feel shocked and empty now.

Say what you will about the man–he was the greatest performer that ever was, and a bearer of some shames we may never understand–he will never be forgotten.

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