ELIZABETH: Oh joy, lucky me! I get to walk the red carpet with “The World’s Most Beautiful Woman”! There definitely must be a God. And he hates me.
AISHWARYA: Come now, darling. At least your films are widely seen in the West. Most Americans can’t even name one of my films!
ELIZABETH: Do you think most Americans can name any one of my films either?! All the good parts I go up for end up going to that whore Rachel McAdams. Do you know how close I was to landing The Notebook? To sniffing Ryan Gosling’s godly flesh?
ELIZABETH: So I’m always left playing the girlfriend. Or the blonde. Or the blonde girlfriend. Or the brunette girlfriend. Or the…whatever-colored-hair girlfriend who isn’t an integral part of the story. Arghhh. Shoot me.
AISHWARYA: What about that porno you made? Surely people remember that?
ELIZABETH: It wasn’t a real porno. Unfortunately…that would have actually helped my career.
AISHWARYA: (sympathetic) I see. Well, you look divine in red, dear.
ELIZABETH: I wore it when I found out I’d be walking the red carpet with you. So I would blend right in to the floor, and no one would be, like, There goes Aishwarya Rai and, uh, What’s-Her-Face-Oh-Who-Really-Cares-Anyway-Let’s-Not-Even-Bother-to-Put-Her-in-the-Headline…
AISHWARYA: No one will say that about you!
ELIZABETH: Trust me, people will definitely be saying that about me.
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