Not to sound like your Hardass Asian Parents, but we’re really disappointed in you. Okay, correction. We’re really disappointed in us. Last week, the AP reported, much to our alarm, that the Asian-American population has slowed unexpectedly (the Latino population, too). What that means, friends, is that our children will not be making round-eye jokes on the playground (“Why are your eyes so big? Can you actually see out of them?”) or bullying white kids for sucking at math and the violin and for not wearing thick glasses or because their houses smell “funny” (i.e. not like soy sauce, funky herbs, and Tiger Balm), and it will still not be cool to be smart in the year 2023, as projected. And dude, that blows. There’s no way we’re going to take over everything if our numbers keep shrinking! So let’s stop fuckin’ around here, people, and start fuckin’ without condoms, okay?*
*DISCLAIMER: This advice should not be heeded by teenagers, students with outstanding college loans and no job prospects, hipsters, hipster grifters, assholes, drips, people lacking in charisma, dumb people, lovers of emo, children-haters, people lacking “indoor voices,” Michelle Malkin, or mimes.
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