DISGRASIAN™

TILA: Me too! Thanks for buying lunch.

MEGHAN: Well, you said you couldn’t find your wallet.

TILA: Oh! Um, yeah!

MEGHAN: Um, you’re welcome.

TILA: You have a lot of dough though, right? I mean your mom’s totally loaded.

MEGHAN: Well I don’t really like to talk about money.

TILA: Oh. Why?

MEGHAN: I’ve always heard it’s kinda tacky. Kinda like talking smack about your dad’s first family when they’re not around to defend themselves. Not like my mom does that or anything.

TILA: Hunh.

MEGHAN: Hunh.

TILA: Hey, did you buy your boobs?

MEGHAN: Excuse me?

TILA: God, you must have bought really expensive ones. They’re so real, it completely looks like it’s all real fat in there.

MEGHAN: Er, yeah, my breasts are real.

TILA: Oh my gaw! Praise the lawd Jesus! I love ‘em! You’ve got awesome tits, girl.

MEGHAN: Thank you. Everybody loves my boobs.

TILA: I just want to stuff my face in them and then make out with your thighs for my vlog. And then take you home to meet my parents.

MEGHAN: I, uh, okay.

TILA: And gaw, I’m like, just so glad we hooked up on Twitter! Ha… you can actually say “I hooked up with Tila Tequila… on Twitter.”

MEGHAN: Yeah… I… could?

TILA: It’s just that when I found that you like, fully looked up to me, I just sooooo wanted to like, reach out, like to a little sis or an um, like, rabid fan, or whatever. I can’t believe you’re my rabid fan! I love that!

MEGHAN: Oh girl, I love you. But I don’t know if you could call me a “rabid fan,” per se. It’s not really like that. I just think it’s cool that you–

TILA: Make out with chicks.

MEGHAN: Well, not–

TILA: Have beautiful, big tits.

MEGHAN: I mean–

TILA: Hate the gooks.

MEGHAN: You–wait, what?

TILA: You wanna “If You Seek Amy!” Girrrrl!!!

MEGHAN: Um, Tila, I think I might just going through a rebellious stage. I hate my parents. My mom’s a robot.

TILA: Mine too!

MEGHAN: That’s awesome.

TILA: I know. So annnyways, when I realized we were going to lunch, I was like, we’re gonna dress all ladylike, right? So I’m gonna wear a little black dress and my classiest stilettos! And then I was all like, ohmigosh. Pearl necklace. I’ve gotta wear a pearl necklace!

MEGHAN: Are those… pearls?

TILA: Well, I mean, kinda! Anyway, pearl necklaces are like my favorite thing. If you know what I mean! [snorts]

MEGHAN: Yes, I think I do. Hey, not to get or technical or anything, but I think those balls on your necklace are more accurately meant to appear “pearl-like.”

TILA: [suddenly emotional] Girl, don’t hate.

MEGHAN: What??

TILA: Are you being a hater?

MEGHAN: I… I’m sorry, what?

TILA: I have suffered so much hardship in my life already. And when you’re on top [snorts], people just want to take you down. They wanna be haters! And I say, fuck the haters!

MEGHAN: Tila, I’m not… I’m not hating.

TILA: Fuck the haters! Don’t be a hater! Don’t breaka my stride, girl! Don’t hate!

MEGHAN: I just spent two-hundred bucks on lunch. Why would I hate?

TILA: Girl, don’t talk about money. That’s just tacky.

MEGHAN: I just told you that!

TILA: Bitch, please! [whips out Blackberry]

MEGHAN: What are you doing?

TILA: I’m tweeting this.

MEGHAN: Oh my fucking God. You’re like a goddamn Twitter addict!

TILA: Yeah, I twitter a lot, ho! Right now I’m saying that you’re a cunty, money-grubbing, hater bitch. Should show up on your phone in a second. Oh, and now I’m saying that you take the Lord’s name in vain.

MEGHAN: Oh my god, you’re a full-on psycho.

TILA: Right now I’m tweeting that you’re a full-on psycho.

MEGHAN: I hate you.

TILA: I didn’t vote for your dad.

MEGHAN: Who cares? Neither did I!

TILA: I’m tweeting that.

MEGHAN: AUGHHHHHHH! [exits]

[Us Magazine: Meghan McCain Goes to Lunch With MTV's Tila Tequila]