Pssst. Guys. I’ve recently discovered the secret recipe for love and wanted to share it with you:
- Go to the grocery store.
- Go directly to the Condiments aisle (or the Asian Foods aisle).
- Peruse the soy sauce offerings thoughtfully.
- Stay there until an acquaintance approaches who also peruses the soy sauce offerings thoughtfully (if someone you faintly know never approaches you in this grocery aisle, feel free to post this instruction on Craigslist under “Casual Encounters” and see how you fare).
- Wave to the acquaintance awkwardly, as though there is a bulletproof plexiglass divider–like the kind you see in prison visitation areas on television–separating the two of you. Have your mouth hanging open like an idiot.
- Invite the acquaintance, your new friend, back to your home for supper.
- Whatever you cook that night, put copious amounts of soy sauce in it. And don’t forget to make onion rings, because who doesn’t love onion rings?
- Dip your onion ring in your soy sauce creation.
- Feed an onion ring dipped in your soy sauce creation to your new friend.
- Continue making onion rings for the next twenty years of your life.
- Continue feeding onion rings to your new-now-old friend, mostly out of pity, because he got a horrible dye job at the salon that doesn’t match his eyebrows and there’s something about him that resembles a wax figure.
- Let him play with your hair even though it bugs the shit out of you and musses it up because he cooks for you in exchange.
- Make that funny-looking bitch cook with soy sauce for you for the rest of time.
[via Serious Eats]
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