You are currently browsing the archives for March, 2009
Guys, I’m moving to Hawaii. I’m leaving to go eat tiny, delicious hamburger sliders at The Counter. That is, The Counter in Honolulu, Hawaii. If anyone wants my place here in LA, It’s got a ridiculous simultaneous view of Downtown and the Hollywood sign, two avocado trees, two orange trees, an expansive yard, and (sadly) a very annoying neighbor.
Why move, you ask? I just like burgers.
Either that, or I just like first-time restaurateurs:
Filed under: Aloha, Celebrity Restaurants, Daniel Dae Kim, Delicious Things, Hamburgers, Honolulu, Hot Asian Men, I'm Moving Out, Later Skaters, Los Angeles, Lost Stars, New Business Ventures, The Counter, Yum
Facebook CFO Gideon Yu, who has been with the company just under two years, is leaving, reportedly because he, too, thinks the new, frenetic, update-y, kinda desperate-seeming, Twitter-wannabe Facebook sux.
Or something like that.
But here’s what sucks. The person that suffered the brunt of the Q-tip attack was none other than Efron’s lady, Vanessa Hudgens…
Except: we ladies can help you fellas buy jeans that don’t look like they were obtained at a 1992 Gap. We can help you pick out shirts for work. We can give you cologne for Christmas, introduce you to Kiehl’s men’s products, request that you shower regularly, and quickly size you up before you walk out the door.
But we can’t be responsible for your waxy-ass ears. Boys, that was yo’ mama’s job. And if you’re old enough to screw/drink/smoke, now it’s yours.
DISGRASIAN will be LiveBlogging from the 10th Annual San Diego Asian Film Festival this October–they’re seeking the best in Asian/Asian-American cinema, and lawd knows we Asians love to be the best–so we’d be psyched to see your film there.
More importantly: there’s a CASH MUNNY prize for the Jury winner. What better reason to enter? Woot!
The entry deadline is in a month. Here’s the info:
Early Deadline: April 30, 2009 ($25 fee)
Late Deadline: June 10, 2009 ($40 fee)
Rules, entry forms, and festival info are available at www.sdaff.org
And for more info, call 858.565.1264 or connect the way we do: Info@sdaff.org
…and my immediate train of thought was, Yick Yuck What the Fuck Their Sperm Works but Their Hands Don’t Being a Woman Blows. And then that quivery Kate Bush song, “This Woman’s Work,” came on in my head, and I was pissed.
But I conducted a little investigasian today and found that this picture first surfaced on the interwebz in late 2008, and it was immediately dismissed as a hoax by officials at Renji Hospital in Shanghai, where the sperm bank is located. So why, then, does this meme still persist? A coupla theories:
- Because the world needs more Asian massage parlor jokes
- Because everything in China is wack and fucked-up and backwards, unlike in the West
- Because Asians are inscrutable, as are their customs
The only good to cum (yuk yuk, me so funny) out of this photo is that I’m no longer outraged, I’m just bored.
Name: Yiying Lu
Hails from: Sydney, Australia
Occupation: Artist and Graphic Designer
Why She’s a Babe: All you Twitter users are already familiar with Yiying’s iconic logo, the Fail Whale, an adorable creature buoyed by birds that pops up whenever Twitter gets overloaded with traffic, which is a lot, lately. What you may not know is that Yiying is as cute as her creation. Or that she doesn’t earn revenue from the perpetual use of her design, apart from the Fail Whale gift items available on Zazzle. Which seems kinda messed up–though legal–especially since Twitter is the fastest-growing social media platform in the sea. Just sayin’.
Hails from: Thailand
Last week in Bangkok, Thai firefighter Somchai Yoosabai rescued an 11 year-old autistic boy who had climbed onto a 3rd-floor ledge at school. After the boy’s teachers and mother failed to convince him to come down, Somchai overheard them talking about how the boy loved comic books and superheroes, and hurried back to the fire station to put on the Spider-Man suit he keeps there for practicing fire drills at schools (if this were a movie, that detail would seem awfully convenient). Once the boy saw Somchai in his Spidey suit, the fireman was able to bring him down uninjured.
But perhaps the greatest gift Somchai gave the boy, other than delivering him from harm, was proof that superheroes really do exist. We’ve got our very own Spider-Man in Hollywood who poses for pictures with tourists in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, but the only thing that dude ever does is crouch on a trash can all day long (and make really terrible Oscar predictions, apparently). ::sigh::
Tila Tequila Twitters. A lot. She joined less than two weeks ago and has already posted over 500 updates and has 67,000+ followers at last count. She claims not to have a ghost Twitterer microblogging for her, but she also claimed to be bisexual just in time for–tada!–her bisexual dating show on MTV, so make of that what you will.
That said, Tila’s Twitter feed is her most interesting work to date. Here are the top ten things I’ve learned from “Twila”:
- She has a crush on David Lynch.
- She takes Ambien/Lunesta to sleep, and when she runs out of pills, Nyquil.
- She’s really pissed at Rihanna for not being a “better role model” and for “partying.”
- The “biggest celebrity douchebag asshole” she’s ever met is Jared Leto, whom she calls “a self-absorbed cunt.”
- She is BTF (Best Twitter Friends) with Meghan McCain (@McCainBlogette).
- She is always LOL.
- Her idols are “Kathryn of Aragon, Anne Boleyn, Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc and Tupac Shakur.”
- The only person she really hates in the world is Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, because of the way that “hoebag…smiles when paparazzi’s are swarming her.”
Want to get a cute Asian Girl inside your pants, but have no game, no life, and, really, no reason for living?
Have no fear…the Cute Asian Girls iPhone app is here!
Behold its description:
If you have yellow fever, this app is the cure!
Cute Asian Girls gives you HUNDREDs of photos of the most beautiful asian girls you have ever seen. Whether you’re looking for asian girls with weapons, or girls in maid uniforms, or even just the casual girl in a summer dress, we have them all! Our photo collection is growing by the day and will continue growing by the truckload. Every day will introduce new photos for your viewing pleasure.
And for a limited time only, the app is being offered for the low, low price of .99 cents! So why wait? Get a Cute Asian Girl inside your pants today!!!
And then go kill yourself. In a slow, painful, drawn-out way. Thanks.
[via Angry Asian Man]
When I was at Yale, Mixed Company had the reputation of being the “funny singing group.” You know, as opposed to the “hot singing group” (that would have been the Baker’s Dozen, or the “BD’s” for men, and Something Extra, aka “Sextra,” for women) or the “serious singing group” (Red Hot + Blue) or the “angry feminist group” (The New Blue, to which I belonged).
But that was a long-ass time ago, kiddies. And my-oh-my how things have changed, as evidenced by Mixed Company’s current YouTube parody of Beyoncé’s “Single Ladies”:
Does the world really need another “Single Ladies” spoof? Or, for that matter, more pedestrian rice jokes? Don’t get me wrong, we rove a good lice joke. And of coulse we rove it rong time. We just don’t rove these ones.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta go make the rice and make it nice, and then shoot myself in the face for actually having to sit through that.
Thanks to all who sent this one in, you know who you are, damn you.
This week in Fairfield, CT, 37 year-old Helen Sun attempted to reconcile with her husband Robert Drawbough by handcuffing herself to him as he slept and then biting him all over his body.
Listen to Drawbough’s desperate 911 call:
Poor Helen…doesn’t she know people pay good money for that shit?
From time to time, we use satire to talk about race issues. Often we do so because life is so unfunny, it’s a joke. Or because the only way to get people to think about uncomfortable things is not to beat down the gates but to distract them with some kind of Trojan Horse. Other times, it’s simply the most expedient way to spit out the metallic taste of bile and blood that ignorance leaves in our mouth.
This week, Hipster Runoff, a satirical blog about all things “alt” and “authentic” (“What is the most authentic body part 2 do blow off of?”) that reveres hipsterdom while simultaneously underscoring how it’s just as full of mindless followers as the mainstream, published a post called “Should I h8 AZNs?” Here are a few excerpts:
Sad about the economic crisis, and how AZNs have been smarter than us about saving ‘money’ and only spending what they have. I think America is beautiful. We’ve had a good run, but maybe we’re not as special as we thought we were. Kinda sad. I still feel ‘cooler’ than a lot of foreigners, and like smarter…
Is it cool to ‘be better’ towards AZNs who live in America, or are they ‘one of us’? Or should we construct some ‘internment camps’ in the middle of the USA where we force all AZNs to live and do manual labor, even if they are respected within society? Not trying 2 be radical, just know that we have 2 hold some1 accountable for our crisis, and it might ‘unite’ our country if we single out a group of people who are responsible. Kinda like when they had 2 find communist actors in Hollywood.
I don’t really know much about China, except that they are ‘commie reds’, violate a lot of human rights, and pollute a lot. Learned that from the newspaper…
Should I h8 azns and hold them responsible for the destruction of my country?
Or should I move out of the USA and move to an authentic city like Paris/Beijing/Tokyo/Cairo?
There are several Hipster Runoff posts that begin similarly with a question–“Should I Vote?” or “Is it ALT 2 watch the Super Bowl?”–where the answer is patently obvious, and “Should I h8 AZNs?” was probably intended to fall into that category.
Unfortunately, “Should I h8 AZNs?” is not satire. It highlights a very real cultural anxiety and its attendant racist backlash without taking it to task in any substantive way. While some of the post’s defenders brand it as satire in the comments section, others take it for what it really is–license to be a dumbass:
lets kills all AZN males.
and all the AZN woman can clean are houses and get naked for us
when the end comes the asians and jews will be left to rule mwuahah
think maybe we should make the ayzns and mexicans and non alt girls slaves again
funny… i love AZNs love em. but thats a problem too.
it’s called reverse racism.
I love the bcoz their azns. with their petite frames and slanty eyes! amazing…
It’s a fettish.
even economic turmoil doesn’t stop me loving them.
A number of commenters on the post do protest that “Should I h8 AZNs?” crosses the line, but that’s precisely the problem. It doesn’t cross the line–the line into satire–it toes the line of reality. That China is taking over everything, and people are really fucking bitter about it. And it’s okay to turn our cultural anxieties about not being the Number One Superpower into outright xenophobia, and it’s acceptable to hate when you feel like somebody else is downsizing your dick.
If “Should I h8 AZNs?” had been satire, the answer to its central question would have been an obvious, resounding “no.” As it stands, the feeling you’re left with is far more murky and unclear. The post does nothing to dissuade the reader from saying “yes” to the question or from thinking that h8ing Asians is okay. The only thing that is clear to us after reading “Should I h8 AZNs?” is that these AZNs h8 Hipster Runoff.