I shouldn’t be expected to understand the Miley Cyrus thing: I don’t think I pay for the Disney channel, I’m not eleven years old, and I certainly don’t find Billy Ray’s chin-pube influence to be at all acceptable. All signs point to “no” with the little butterface. Can she sing? Sorta. Can she dance? Kinda. Is she gentle on the eyes? Hardly. So there you go. I DON’T GET HER.
It’s not that I’m totally out of touch with tween culture or Disney’s brilliant machine, guys. The wild success of the Jonas Brothers totally makes sense to me. Sure, they make terrible music. Yes, their pants are too tight and I’m not at all comfortable with their penchant for ill-fitting vests and high boots. And okay, if they never perform at another football halftime show, it’ll be too soon. But these boys, with their pretty little koala faces, are so damn sugary and cute that they’re impossible for the little ladies to resist. That I can accept. A girl’s gotta have somebody to doodle about in her easy-lock diary, for crying out loud. Give ‘em three cute brothers.
But this Miley girl–whose given name isn’t even Miley (“Miley” was apparently short for, er, “Smiley”–a nickname adopted by her parents)–this girl is not cute. As far as I can tell on the Interwebz, she’s basically just average in every single possible way. Let’s be honest, homegirl has a face that only a chin-pubey, too-close dad can be expected to love (by the by, few others seems willing to say such things because she’s just a young thing, and it’s wrong to judge the little ones harshly… but I’m an asshole, and after I see enough Internet photos of a chick in her underwear I no longer regard her as “little,” and overall I just don’t care).
But while we’re on the subject of faces, y’know, it occurs to me that I’ve always meant to give the little lass some advice on the face she seems to make most repeatedly in photographs (usually self-snapped). It’s an awkward, puckery, duck face. An unflattering pout, if you will.
My advice would be: Always make a nice face in photos. If you were a person with a cute face, it would be all about angles. If your head was cute but a little round, you’d be wary not to let your full moon take over a picture. But if you’re like, really grim, as in your case, and have got a truly tragic mug, always, ALWAYS opt for pretty expressions. Don’t dick around with icky faces–you can’t pull it off. And when assessing your look, always trust a picture. Never trust your ego. Your ego will likely tell you: You’re famous! That means you’re gorgeous! But your ego will be wrong.
‘Cuz then you’ll have but a moment to get out of my face, before Jen and I decide that we’re ready to bust up your face. And it will be the most unfortunate situasian you’ve ever had to face.
And two bitches you don’t ever want to face, face-to-face… are us.
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