We Don’t Want to Be on Your Damn Jury Anyways

January 13th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

A California Superior Court and the San Francisco public defender’s office are currently looking into an allegasian of juror bias made by a former intern at the public defender’s office, who wrote in September on her MySpace blog that her bosses once told a colleague to keep Asians off a jury in a case involving a drunk guy getting a public blowjob, because “Asians don’t drink, they love Jesus, and they’re creeped out by everything.”

Well, well. You lawyers have clearly never met us. Nor, I imagine, have you met any real, red-blooded Asians outside of the people who obsequiously serve you dim sum, which seems impossible in San Francisco of all places, where almost 19% of the population is Asian-American. You must also not be aware that Asians are actually more likely than non-Asians to get totally shit-faced. Or that there are just as many of us who believe that Jesus was this hot long-haired hipster with a trendy beard who was not, I repeat NOT, the son of God–as if there were such a thing–as there are those of us who identify as Catholic, the dominant religion among Asian-Americans. As for the “creeped out” comment, I have to wonder, have any of you nerds ever seen your run-of-the-mill Japanese porn? We invented mutant love, tentacle porn, and hammock fucking–which, by the by, is way weirder than it sounds–and once you look up all of those nifty little fetish-concepts while popping a vein in your forehead from the painstaking effort you’re making to quiet the inconvenient boner you’ve gotten at the office (imagine your dick encased in ice, imagine your dick encased in ice), will you still think that we creep so easily?

That said, let’s keep this info entre nous, ‘kay? We kinda want it to stay on the QT. We know jury duty is our civic responsibility and all, but despite our loving of Jesus and our hating of alcohol, blowjobs, and creepy stuff, when we get those dreaded jury summonses, all we ever think about, really, is how to get out of it, just like everyone else.

Thanks, John!

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