This Should Give "Crotch Shot" New Meaning

January 6th, 2009 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I’ll often go on and on and on about how hateful and insulting I find the production structure of most network reality television–I choke at the incessant repetitiveness, misleading commercial bumpers, clunky, cobbled editorial choices, harsh lighting, dull casting, melodramatic music cues.

Now cable reality television, that’s a whole other story. Cable reality is either super-smart and sophisticated (like Project Runway and This American Life) or just a wonderful, cacophonous shitpile. Regarding the latter–with a lower bar for humanity and a higher bar for smut–truly awful, shitty cable reality is fucking TV GOLD.

And it is my love for TV GOLD that explains my longstanding, obsessive commitment to VH1′s Rock of Love. This is not a passive or fleeting love affair, mind you, but a full-blown, soul mate-style relationship. My eyes twinkle when peering at the house for the girls, replete with the stripper pole and the seemingly unending well of booze. I adore Poison alum Bret Michaels, whose earnestness, on-screen patience, sincerity, and french kisses are, by my behind-the-scenes confirmation, truly legit.

And the girls are simply irreplacable. They’ve got psychotic laughs, or tore-up faces, or museum-worthy circus tits, or baggage for eons–the tranniest train wrecks ever to grace the telvision screen in black leather and leopard print. Name a cast member, I’ll remember the first time she puked and her best-ever interview soundbite, just before providing the theory on why she didn’t deserve to stay and rock Bret’s world. I loathe girls like Lacey and Megan as if they had punched my firstborn child in the squishy baby face, even praying to the Fuck God that neither win the $100,000 Charm School prize in lieu of my favorite gal, Brandi M.

Bus-ted!

So it is with a specific level of expertise that I watched this week’s premiere of the third installment of R.O.L., which takes place on two (pink and blue) tour buses that chase Michaels’ rock tour across the country. My expectations were high, even though I’ve seen every insane R.O.L. episode thus far, including Charm School and all of the corresponding reunion shows– and I kinda believed that after seeing an asthma-stricken, tear-stained, post-vomit Heather chuck a ceramic plate at Lacey-in-a-grandma-sweater-and-ugly-suit’s head, I’d never be surprised again.

But after realizing that Nikki, aka DJ Lady Tribe (left), aka first-ever R.O.L. DISGRASIAN contender, received a buttery nipple shot out of Gia’s (right) frothing vagina… it occurred to me:

THE PRODUCERS HAD OUTDONE THEMSELVES.

I was actually shocked. And I couldn’t wait for more.

And then (SPOILER ALERT!), boom, Nikki and Gia were eliminated, before I could even see what trouble they could come up with next.

Goddamn asshole cable reality TV producers.

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