I am writing today to begrudgingly extend a formal invitasian to you to join the tribe. Here is a brief overview of your accomplishments that helped sway our decision-making process:
- First, ESPN rated you the number one high school football prospect in the country. This ranking, of course, didn’t at all factor in your pristine 4.0 GPA.
- Then, you play Division I football at Florida State, at the safety position, my personal favorite.
- Next, you graduate in two-and-a-half years, pre-med. Why, Myron, why? For shits and giggles? Because Orgo was just too easy for you? Jesus.
- Then you decide to get a Master’s of Public Administration while finishing up at FSU.
- And then you win the Rhodes.
- BUT...what to do what to do? The NFL wants you. You’re projected to go in the top 49 picks!
- Oxford? The NFL? Oxford? The NFL? Oh, to have your high-class problems.
- Finally, you announce this week that the NFL will have to wait a year–I mean, who does that?–so that you can pursue your MA in medical anthropology, whatever the foos that is, and rub elbows with future world leaders and whoever is going to be your generation’s Kris Kristofferson.
- Not to brag, but you tell the world that once your NFL career is over, you’re going to attend medical school and become a neurosurgeon, with the hopes of “opening up a clinic for the needy in the Bahamas,” where your family is from.
- Also, you’re a beautiful, beautiful man.
Once this post goes up, thousands of Hardass Asian Parents around the country will be calling up their hospitals, wondering if they weren’t the victims of some cruel baby-switch and if you aren’t, in fact, their long lost son. Prepare yourself for the onslaught, the way a QB might protect his rib cage when he sees you coming on a blitz. (Never mind that you’re black and they’re yellow; Asian parents can be awfully convincing when they think they’re right, which is always.)
And thanks so much for making the rest of us look bad. Even though we think you’re actually a showoff jerk, we would still like to confer Honorasian status on you. Because, as the old saying goes, If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em to your hip, make ‘em play for your team, and don’t ever let go, or something like that.
So, whaddya say?
ever-so-humbly yours (and not liking it one damn bit),
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