Buddy. Hey. I’m super sorry to hear that you and your little sisters were taken away from your Mommy and Daddy. I know you are probably feeling sad. I know you are. Yesterday, you were eating delicious Wal-Mart birthday cake. Today, you are a bit of an orphan. It’s scary! But don’t worry, little man, it’ll be okay.
Right now you might be thinking that some “bad people”–maybe grownups around you are calling them “the State”–stormed in and stole you from your good-looking (see right), smart, loving parents. I can understand that. But honey pie, the thing is, your parents are not cool people. I’m not going to call them assholes (or did I just?), as I’m prone to do when referring to bad, bigoted parents, but dude: they are really lame, awful, folks.
With a name like “Adolf Hitler,” I promise you the fast track to a very unrewarding, unfulfilled, beatup-laden life. I’m not saying that you would ever lay a finger on anybody, tiny guy. But I can name a few that wouldn’t be so nice to you. Your namesake is the King of Monsters, the closest actual person I’ve ever been able to attribute the fabled qualities of Satan to. Satan is bad, right? You don’t want a name like that, do you? I didn’t think so.
So here’s my advice. It looks like you’re getting a clean start here. Perhaps you’ll end up in a nice home with some really sweet, pretty, new parents–the kind that shower and shop at Target! Maybe they’ll cut your hair so that your neighbors aren’t flippantly calling you white trash, and perhaps they’ll even clothe you in cute little outfits (like the little bear costume I intend to buy Jen’s future offspring). While you’re at it, I suggest you change your name! Although Diana and Jen are my favorite names in the world besides Chaka Khan, rocking those chick names would probably get your rump whooped as well–so how about Daniel? Daniel is the name of hot guys like Daniel Henney and Daniel Dae Kim. And why not set yourself up to be a “hot guy?” It’s so much better than being poised as an Antichrist.
Call me if you have any questions!
Filed under: Adolf Hitler Campbell, Bad Baby Names, Bad Hair All Around, Clean Starts, Daniel Dae Kim, Daniel Henney, Deborah Campbell, Heath Campbell, Nazis, Showering, Target, Wal-Mart Sucks, White Trash
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