Well, That Sucks

December 8th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

I suppose if 50 Cent were talking about me, he would say that I love making out more than a fat kid loves cake. I do enjoy the art of kissing, so very much. My favorite game in middle school was “60 Seconds In Heaven.” The reason I always hated Pretty in Pink was because the passionate deal-sealer smooch between Andie and Blane was as cold and repugnant as two Sardines mating. I always believe in kissing on the first date, just to make sure you aren’t going on date two with a makeout bozo. Making out just rules! It’s important!

In fact, when petty crime really really starts to come back in fashion due to our tumbling economy, I would rather be a kissing bandit than a copper pipe thief. I wanna be one of those ladies in the nursing home that has to be put in a corner for being too randy. Some day, I would like to be married up and still caught up in making out–like Elvis Costello, who my friend once approvingly observed sucking face with his then-pregnant wife, Diana Krall, for the entirety of one Gramercy Tavern tasting menu dinner. I mean, what’s the harm in a little kissy face? It’s not like all of the other dangerous stuff we do in life–like have sex, drive cars, fly on planes, jump off of planes, sign up for the Army, buy a house with 0% down, or entrust our finances to a bunch of inept sharks!

Well, you could go partially deaf, like a young woman in China whose eardrum was recently ruptured during an extremely zazzly kiss with her boyfriend.

I know what you’re thinking: What the huhh? Apparently this lady’s kiss suckage reduced the pressure in her mouth and, in turn, pulled out her eardrum (Don’t worry, she’ll be right as rain in a couple of months). I mean, jeezus man, it’s not like they make a condom for this.

Even though the photo re-enactment in the Daily Mail (see left) depicts the kiss as somewhat painful and/or frigid and transpiring between a very old fella and a very young dude-er-lady-er-dudewholookslikealady?, what I can’t help but think is: Damn. That must have been one good goddamn kiss.


Thank you, Maris!

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