We’ve never really wronged you, dude. We listened to, and didn’t shit all over, your most-expensive-album-of-all-time Chinese Democracy, which in the words of our friend Colin, “came and went like a whisper” (and truth be told, we don’t think was worth the $$$). We have spent countless hours discussing your meteoric rise in the 1980s: that magnificent freshman opus–our longtime lover, Appetite for Destruction–you helped unleash upon the world, Mike Clink’s capture of lightning in a fucking bottle, the album that forever changed the lives of everyone we know that owned a Walkman in 1987.
We tend to gloss over the fact that you’re an angry, violent man, whose porcelain skin (so luminescent and alluring in your youth) just looks so pasty and creepy on an aging rager in his forties. We forgive the fact that you can’t look like that (see your yummy former self, right) forever. We’re psyched for you that you’re no longer dressing like an umpire, teaching Stephanie Seymour lessons with your fists, or dragging hundreds of people into the studio for two decades while you try to revitalize your rockstar dick.
In short, we haven’t started any beef witchu.
So why are you getting all up in our business? Why do I feel your crazy braids all tangled up in DISGRASIAN’S grill? And by that I mean, why are you attacking the presence of GNR songs–that have brought us so much joy and thrills of achievement–in our favorite game of life, Guitar Hero? DO YOU REALIZE that as we slay Slash’s solos on “Welcome to the Jungle,” we feel our blood racing as if we’re 20-year old boys laying out our musical guts in front of an arena full of followers? DO YOU REALIZE that when we split up the parts on “Sweet Child O’ Mine,” we feel like we are actually playing in the real, magnificent, ’87-era GNR with our best friend at our side? DO YOU REALIZE that these experiences may be the happiest ones we have ever felt or will feel?
Stop being a pathetic asshole and leave a little dignity in your sad, tired band’s legacy. And don’t start fronting with us, or we will begin going to fucking town on you.
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