Swimming With Sharks

December 12th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana
The only person we think should challenge Ben
Roethlisberger to a chess game, and his “stalker”

Splash News snapped and published a photo of Michael Phelps with an Asian lass in his vicinity at LAX today (see above), which spread like wildfire as instant news. The rag named her as his girlfriend Caz, even though the chick in the picture isn’t teensy-tiny-beanpole-lanky, has actual lips, is rocking super-ginormo circus tits, and, uh, isn’t Caz. New York Magazine blogger Chris Rosvar referred to her as “exotic,” even while supposing that she was probably just a photo plant. TMZ gently referred to her as a “stacked stripper.” And covering his ass for Anderson Cooper and Kelly Ripa, Phelps described the girl as a “total stranger,” which many blogs translated into a total “stalker.”

All of this–the mistasian identity, the objectificasian, the public dismissal–is degrading enough for the poor miss. But the gossip douchtards at I Don’t Like You In That Way took it a step further:

“Michael Phelps is dating an Asian chick, and here he is with some fug Asian chick at LAX earlier this week. Phelps claims this isn’t his girlfriend, and she’s just some stalker, so who knows if it is or not, but I’m mostly concerned with the fact that this thing with the giant implants could even pass for his girlfriend. Phelps has 8 gold medals – he isn’t Wesley Snipes. He should be dating Swedish models or Russian teenagers, not some chick who gives massages and happy endings at a strip mall.”

Listen, I know y’all are about ready to watch me erupt with fury or bust some heads ‘n shit, but I’m not gonna. In my life, I’ve learned a some very important lessons. Here are a select few:

  • Never have sex near poison oak (Don’t worry, guys; this one I learned secondhand).
  • When a dog is acting out, it most likely needs more exercise.
  • When talking shit out with a friend, always say stuff like: “I think” or “I feel” instead of “You are an asswipe jizzface.” (For example, try “Sometimes, because of the fucked up things I feel you do, I think of you as an asswipe jizzface.”)
  • Be nice to your parents as soon as they can’t ground you. They deserve it.
  • Never get too angry and defensive about what any blogger says, particularly any celebrity blogger. There’s a very low bar and it’s an awfully fast forum–just start your own blog and call them a douche. It’s how we roll!
  • Any dude that talks about Asian ladies as somehow sub-par to brainless Baltic models, and only good for happy endings, is likely to have a grey, crooked, tiny, wrinkly dick. And they have definitely never tapped any primo, first-class, top-notch, grade-A Asian pussy. Trust me.

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