Hardass Candy

November 3rd, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


When Diana and I first saw a screen grab of the Michigan woman who refused to give out Halloween candy to the children of Obama supporters, we were, like, Aww sheeeit. Why did that crazazy, stingy witch have to be Asian?! It wasn’t just her features, but her steez–the jet black hair dye from a box, the frosted eye shadow extending from lid to brow, that hot pink Sexless Secretary blazer, the thin-lipped frown–that gave us scary PTSD flashbacks of our mothers in their darkest hours, sartorial and emotional.

After we watched the interview, however, we both breathed a huge sigh of relief. We’re pretty sure that the woman in the video, Shirley Nagel of Grosse Pointe, MI, isn’t Asian. It wasn’t just her features in action. It was our realization that, despite how our mothers thought neighborhood kids other than their own (and us, too, on occasion) were lazy, rude, loud, stupid, out-of-control, inferior, stuck-up, fat, and undisciplined, our moms were NEVER EVER this much of a cunty buzzkill on Halloween. A children‘s holiday. Where the only purpose of the holiday (other than getting unimaginative women to dress like sluts one day a year) is to give out candy. To, I repeat, children. On a day when these children are actually entitled to be lazy, rude, loud, stupid, out-of-control, inferior, stuck-up, fat, undisciplined, or anything else they damn well want to be. I mean, even our Hardass Asian Mothers knew that (why else would mine have let me go as a French maid in 6th grade?).

Nagel, meanwhile, strikes me as the 2.0 version of the asshole who puts razor blades in candied apples, which I always thought was an urban myth. Sadly, this particular asshole is all too real. And she’s voting for McCain.

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