Football Is About Dominasian
Anyone that has spent any time with me during football season knows that I am great at one thing: talking shit. I hate your team. I don’t care who your team is. They are crap and my team, the legendary Pittsburgh Steelers, will crush them with one iron fist. You don’t agree? I can keep this conversation up for hours–you’re a Pats fan? Then I can keep this up all night.
Naturally, last week when the Steelers were preparing to face Donovan “The Hamburglar” McNabb and the Philadelphia Eagles, I checked in with my good friend Aaron–a lifetime Eagles enthusiast–at least once a day:
MONDAY: I hope you don’t lose against the Cowboys tonight. You probably will, though. You loser.
TUESDAY: OOOOOooof. Tough day, huh, buddy? Interceptions sure are a bitch. You really fucked up your one shot at glory. Greatest MNF game ever, though!
WEDNESDAY: Hey, guess what? Today’s hump day. We’re going to the hump the shit out of you this weekend. Hope you’re stretching!
THURSDAY: 
FRIDAY: Hey man. My mom loves the Eagles. She also loves Celine Dion.
SATURDAY: Listen up, you pathetic sunnofabitch! Tomorrow you’re going to suffer a truly dismal defeat. Your team will be bleeding, crying for their mommies, holding their lost scrota in their left hand. YOU PEOPLE ARE GOING DOWN LIKE TONY ROMO ON JESSICA SIMPSON. MWAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!
SUNDAY EVENING: …
If you don’t know, here’s the scoop: my Steelers went down, and they went down harder and faster than the third season of Veronica Mars. Our offensive line was non-existent, our quarterback fumbled around like a stoned circus clown, and we just never made it happen. It was an ugly game. Ugly. And because of it, I’ve been eating crow–or, er, eagle–for a full day.
This was pathetic. Sad. Embarassing. Most of all, DISGRACEFUL.
I was disgraced by my team yesterday. And if I’m gonna keep talking shit all season, this can’t happen again. It just can’t.
DO YOU HEAR ME, MIKE TOMLIN? TELL THE GUYS!!!
Filed under: Bad Days, Ben Roethlisberger, Donovan "The Hamburglar" McNabb, Eating Crow, Embarrassing, Football, Fumbles, Philadelphia Eagles, Pittsburgh Steelers, Public Disgrace, Scrota, This is Bullshit
