DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The "Palasians"

September 5th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen


A lot has been made of Sarah Palin’s husband Todd’s Yup’ik Eskimo ancestry since the Alaskan governor was named McCain’s running mate. The “First Dude” of Alaska is one-eighth Yup’ik, and Yup’iks are descended from people of Eastern Siberia and Asia who came over a gajillion years ago, after the Native American migrasian. Todd is, therefore, octorasian. A fact that’s been noted in virtually every profile of him in the past week, as if to say, Look, Governor Palin’s family is yellow/brown/minority/native/ethnic, too!

And we say, Welcome! Because, like Governor Palin, we’re “inclusive” people. And if you’re biologically Asian–even an itty-bitty bit like that cutie-patootie, hawtie-patawtie Phoebe Cates–that’s good enough for us.

That said, we did come across a few problems with the Palins’ applicasian for entry into the tribe. Here is a partial list of red flags:

1) Asians, unlike Todd, finish college.

2) Asian teens, unlike Bristol, don’t get pregnant.

3) Asian parents, unlike Todd, do not hold up their children as examples when–on the statistically-minimal chance–said children get knocked up by “fuckin’ rednecks.” Instead, Asian parents lock their children up in a room and throw away the key; ritualistically beat them with a shoe, hairbrush, or the hard-end of a flyswatter; repeatedly tell their children how ungrateful they are, what a disgrace they’ve turned out to be, and how much shame they’ve brought to their family. Or they simply disown their disappointing devil spawn.

Hmm. This is not going so well. Perhaps we should leave Bristol out of the conversasian, since she is, after all, only a child.

But wait.

4) Asian parents don’t cut their children any slack. Ever. And most certainly not based on age. How else do you think we’ve produced so many prodigies?

Shoot. Guess we’re not going to lay off Bristol. Or Todd and Sarah, for being shitty parents. Because, as everyone knows…

5) Asians are really fuckin’ judgmental. Asians hold themselves and others to impossible standards. When Asians make mistakes, they might not admit it publicly to save face, but they sure as shit don’t throw confetti at it either. Asians don’t turn their shame into shameless photo-ops (except, perhaps, for Tila Tequila).

Huh.

Alright, you know what? There’s no way we’re going to make this work, so fuck it. Being inclusive is–like polishing a turd–hella exhausting. And it’s pretty patently obvious that the Palins are IN NO FUCKING WAY Asian. DISGRASIAN, yes, but Asian? Not so much.

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