I went to see the Red Sox play the so-called Los Angeles Angels Sunday, when the Sox got swept cuz they’ve been sucking on the road and they have no middle relief. But I was sitting two rows behind their dugout (thanks to my friend Jess) so fuck if I cared. I got to stare at Jacoby Ellsbury’s ass for three hours. At the end of my row, there was a guy about my dad’s age wearing these really dope baseball oxfords (pictured). They were broken-in perfectly, and they looked just like a baseball you’ve been tossing around in the backyard for a couple years. Scuffed and a little grey. I hate talking to strangers, but I told him on my way to the loo, “Nice shoes.”
I coveted those shoes, even though they’re kinda dude-ish. And I was curious about their provenance. Yesterday, I discovered after much googling that they’re made by Børn footwear. That was when I got a good look at their soles for the first time.
#27 on the long list of Things That Make My Blood Run Cold: Shoes with Sneaker Soles. Let me be clear–I have no problem with sneakers. I love sneakers, especially on men (although I have a slight allergy to Pumas, which are too Aging Hipster for my taste). When I see a man in a pair of Chucks, or New Balance, or Stan Smiths, or Dunks even, I think, Good. Not trying too hard. I’ve never understood the mutant “shoe-ker,” however. It’s creepy on the order of magnitude of the Easy Spirit “Looks Like a Pump, Feels like a Sneaker” commercial where women were playing basketball in heels. The shoe-ker makes my skin crawl. It’s fug. It’s sloppy. It’s just so…wrong.
The concept behind a shoe-ker is that you can dress up but still stay comfy. Bullshit. Fashion is not about comfort. Sometimes it is about ease, a whole different animal, but comfort? Negative. Comfort is for the home, where you are allowed to do other unsociable things like pick your nose, not wash your hair, and adjust your balls.
Which leads me to the most important point about the shoe-ker and why it has no place out in the world: YOU DON’T GET LAID WEARING THIS SHOE.
Filed under: Baseball, Born Footwear, Boston Red Sox, Comfort Is Overrated, Fuck Me-Shoes, Fug Shoes, Getting Laid, Jacoby Ellsbury, Looks Like a Pump..., Misguided Sartorial Fantasies, Rants, Shoe-kers, Sneakers
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