Dear Lucy, Part Tiu

July 11th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

Dear Lucy,

Hey lady! ‘Memba me? I’ve written you before. Perhaps my blog post/letter got lost in the cyberether/mailroom? No matter. The gist of what I said then hasn’t changed.

Today, I heard that you really want to do Charlie’s Angels 3. You were quoted as saying:

“I do (see Diaz and Barrymore). All the time. I’d love to do another Charlie’s Angels film. That would be so much fun.”

I couldn’t help thinking that the subtext/translasian of that was:

“Are you there, Cam? Drew? It’s me, Lucy. My show got canceled. I’m staring down the barrel of 40. Yes, there’s a gun in my mouth. “

We know we’re hard on you. You’ve been the object of our haterasian countless times, but, really, it’s cuz we love you. We actually love your freckles, those slightly-crossed eyes, that midgety body. Yeah, we’re fucked up like that. But you see, Luce, you’re our Obi-Wan. You’re our only hope. When people think “Asian actress” and “movies,” there’s–like that Yaz song–only you. It’s kinda unfair to have those gigantic expectations heaped on your teensy shoulders but, then again, you’re Asian and expectations are your little bitch. And, as my Hardass Asian Mother would say when whiny shit comes out of my mouth like “I don’t think I can handle it”: Handelit! Handelit!

So, please, for the love of your people, MAKE A GOOD MOVIE. I’m not really buying that your problem is that age-old issue of “Asian actors can’t get good roles in Hollywood” blah blah blah. Like I said before, go small. Do an indie. Self-finance if you have to. Fuck Angels, yo, why not do a Monster? Or a Monster’s Ball? Ditch the makeup and heels. Stop playing characters with their shit together–hard as that may be for an overachiever like yourself. Learn how to cry copiously on cue. Be weak. Take a role that requires you to wear at all times a sad, ugly, old, nubby, clawed-up sweater, the kind that is not made of 24-ply cashmere. I’m going to put one on now, in fact, though it’s the middle of summer, because having this conversasian again kinda depresses the hell outta me.

with tough but tired love,

Thanks, Jasmine!

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