Dear Lindsaysian

July 18th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Dear Lindsay,

How are you? I’m fine. I’ve been really busy or whatever, but everything’s great, just great!

Let me cut to the chase: I’m not a huge fan of yours. I am freaked out by your family. I am freaked out by your freckly legs. I am freaked out by your mug shot. Hell, I am freaked out by your Friday (Hee hee! Get it?). People say you can act–which is true on some level (I loved Mean Girls)–but I’ve seen you with that gravelly voice, shoving your hands in your pockets, shrugging your shoulders and acting petulant, in enough movies (Okay, I’ve seen Freaky Friday and I Know Who Killed Me and, by God, Lucky You… which is more than I can say for most of the world) to know that you’re a bit of a one-trick pony.

I don’t think fame-dependency has been good for you. I’ve noticed that your weight constantly fluctuates (you’re looking a bit thin these days, by the way… I do hope it’s pilates and not yay). You parade around Robertson Blvd. with a perpetual come-hither lip snarl, but nobody’s coming hither. And now that you’re no longer under rehabordeathwatch, and your agent is freaking out because your “serious stripper” movie proved to be a fucking disaster, and the trades told everyone that your big-screen name is spelled F-L-O-P on television, you ‘re actually starting to seem… really, really desperate.


Is this why you seem to be taking cues from our DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shame-whore, Tila Tequila? Let’s face it, she needs attention like most people need air, and so do you! She loves her tits, and so do you! She loves sequined dresses, chapeaus, going blonde, and rubbing up against butch chicks…


…and so (see above) do you!

The problem with this is not so much that we don’t bi your paparazzi-perpetuated lesbian love affair (drive-bis are tired, and we loathe them all).

It’s that we don’t care.

NOBODY. CARES.

TAKE AN ACTING CLASS. BECOME MORE INTERESTING. DO SOMETHING. DO BETTER. DON’T JUST DO YOUR HOMELY FEMALE BEST FRIEND.

I’m so fucking bored of you I could tip a cow (but I won’t).

xoxox,
diana

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