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Tore Up Fasian


Dear Sharon,

Are you on your way to the funeral for your career as a sexpot? Or is yours the beat-up, tired, sad face of a woman who got her ass handed to her by the entire country of China? If so, remind me never to get up in their grill, ever. You look like shit, and I sure as heck don’t wanna.

All best,
Diana

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SPORTS ILLUSTRASIAN: Now This Is What We Call a Crotch Shot

Fuck that.

THIS is what we call a crotch shot:


(Spain eventually beat in Germany’s balls 1-0 in the European Championship final. ¡Viva La Nutcracking!)

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Major General Antonio Taguba

Name: Major General Antonio Taguba

Occupation: Army Man and Truth Teller

Known for: Man-ing up, blowing the lid off of human rights abuses at Abu Ghraib, getting unceremoniously forced into retirement for doing the right thing, accusing the Bush administration of war crimes, looking really damn studly in uniform.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Chopping Sticks

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Miss Spelling

The Miss Universe pageant is currently underway in Vietnam and pageant organizers have already demonstrated that they can’t spell “Philippines.” Miss Philippines Jennifer Barrientos’ sash read “Miss Phillippines” for three days before the mistake was corrected. I only learned about this because I happen to have a Google Alert for “Phillipines.” That’s right, with two L’s. Because I, um…am on a mission to rid the world of its ignorance when it comes to spelling the name of this Southeast Asian island-nation. Yes, that’s it! And to do that, I have to be hypervigillant. I have to scour the web for Phillippineses. I have to sleep with one eye open just so that I can be on the lookout at ALL TIMES for those hatefull two L’s. The devills who commit this crime over and over must be stopped, and I, uh…

…I maybe can’t spell “Philippines” either.

The Miss Universe pageant airs July 13 on NBC.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! George W. Bush


We know what you’re saying. President Dubya is DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK? SNOOZER! The man is a walking, never-ending, spit-in-your-face, embodiment of disgrace. What the hell took you guys so long?

Our short answer to that is a question: would you rush to put that photo (above) up on your blog? We don’t think so!

But we could resist no longer after reading the White House transcripts of Bush’s recent meeting with Filipino President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo, which occurred on Tuesday amidst her country’s recovery from this month’s devastating typhoon.


Dubya did his best to make his guest feel comfortable by letting her know that he was familiar-like with her kind.

From (to avoid linking you directly to the White House site–it’s for your own good) the Huffington Post:

PRESIDENT BUSH: Madam President, it is a pleasure to welcome you back to the Oval Office. We have just had a very constructive dialogue. First, I want to tell you how proud I am to be the President of a nation that — in which there’s a lot of Philippine-Americans. They love America and they love their heritage. And I reminded the President that I am reminded of the great talent of the — of our Philippine-Americans when I eat dinner at the White House. (Laughter.)

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Yes.

PRESIDENT BUSH: And the chef is a great person and a really good cook, by the way, Madam President.

PRESIDENT ARROYO: Thank you.

My word, what a gentleman! And what an ice breaker. But we wonder… in Dubya’s head, does the transcript look more like this?: Our cook is Flip-a-penes American, howdy hoo! Do ya know her? Aw, y’all eat rice or grape leaves or somethin’. Aw, my brain sure is tired.

All we know is the Prez seems like a really nice, really aware guy. Rest assured that me ‘n my ladies–that is, nail ladies–can’t wait to have our own chat with him some day.

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Thanks, Eliza and Jasmine!

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One Pregnant Teen Not Creepy, Just Totally Inept

Not That Hard, Really


First there was a pregnancy pact, then there wasn’t.

Midweek, Lindsey Oliver, one of the 17 pregnant Gloucester teens, denied that there had ever been a pact among her high school girlfriends to get wit child:

“There was definitely no pact,” Oliver told “Good Morning America.” “There was a group of girls already pregnant that decided they were going to help each other to finish school and raise their kids together. I think it was just a coincidence.”

Oliver also maintained that she had gotten pregnant “by accident” and had been on the Pill.

Pregnant on the Pill? Sure it happens, kinda like when your dog eats your homework. The FDA lists pregnancy rates when using the Pill between .1%, if taken properly, and a mere 5%, if you’re a fuckup. Condoms, when used properly, have a pregnancy rate of 3%. Even the pull-out method, which was what the girls who got knocked up at my high school would use to “protect” themselves, has a pregnancy rate of only 4% when performed properly.

Key word: “properly.” So, either Lindsey Oliver is a total dumbass or maybe, just maybe, she hasn’t been schooled properly. And to think there are people who still believe that American teens don’t really need a proper sex education.

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Such Great Heights

News outlets are alive with yesterday’s word that “Professor Splash,” (aka Darren Taylor) a professional high-diver, broke his own Guinness World Record for highest shallow water dive at Colorado hotspot, Hyland Hills Water World.

Even though we don’t think he’s an actual professor (like Jen’s dad), we have to give Taylor props for accomplishing this lifelong pursuit of a world record! Our parents have always wanted us to break some kind of world record–most lives saved, most consecutive perfect gymnastics scores, least amount of time needed to find a disease cure–and we’ve never been able to do it.

But Taylor is a world champion! And more than that, a man who has reached his lifelong goal!

…of um, diving 35 feet, 4 inches. Into a kiddie pool. Filled with 12 inches of iced water.

Er… congratulasians? The competition must have been very stiff.

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Ricism of Olympic Proportions

“Eat me!”


Somebody tell me this Reuters story’s not true–“Japanese athletes begin chopstick-less ‘food camp’”:

TOKYO (Reuters) – Japanese athletes have begun a spartan, chopstick-free Chinese food training program to help them acclimatize for this year’s Beijing Olympics.

First of all, a message to Japanese Olympians: SACKTHEFUCKUP. You have to train for speed, strength, and endurance. You have to train to win a gold medal (or a silver or bronze, if you’re cool with slightly disappointing your country). You don’t have to “train” to eat Chinese food, candy asses.

Second, a message to Beijing Olympic organizers: WHATTHEFUCK. You’re in China, you’re serving Chinese food, ergo, you need to provide some muthafuckin chopsticks.

ENDOFSTORY.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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A Case of Mistasian Identity, Sorta

The internet is abuzz, sorta, about new celebrity couple Keanu Reeves and China Chow!

They’re Eurasian! They love St. Tropez! They’re really really really pale!


Just Jared, described in the Vanity Fair Blogopticon as a “kinder, gentler celebrity-gossip blog, chockablock with exclamation points!”, seems to have the most pictures of the ghostly, sorta-famous pair, who were described as:

“…play fighting in the water and doing some sort of dance/karate stances along the shore.”

Witness said “karate stance”!


Hmm…is Just Jared invoking “karate” because Keanu and China are both Asian, sorta?!

That’s weird, since Jared’s Asian!

But wait!

That’s not even China Chow doing “karate” on the beach! Let’s compare photos! China is on the left, in a blue bikini, and the much-tanner Karate Lady is on the right, in a black bikini:


I know! I can’t believe I’m doing a bikinalysis either! But wait! It gets worse! There’s also a buttnalysis! The pale midget on the left is China (taken on a different day), the darker Amazon on the right is Karate Lady:


Dude, Jared, that shit’s just sloppy. (!).

Source: Just Jared
Thanks, Jasmine!

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Catching Some Raysian

Rumored lovebirds Keanu Reeves and Karate Lady in St. Tropez

KEANU: So then you shake it. Shake-shake it. Shake it. Shake it.

KARATE LADY: Like this?

KEANU: Shake it like a polaroid picture!!

KARATE LADY: Where did you say you learned this again?

KEANU: Ibiza. No, on the set of Matrix: Reloaded.

KARATE LADY: I liked that film.

KEANU: Nobody liked that film, China.

KARATE LADY: I think your accountant did.

KEANU: You’re goddamned right he did.

KARATE LADY: I can’t believe I’m dating Keanu Reeves.

KEANU: Yeah you are! Did Marky Mark ever have pecs like these?

KARATE LADY: Well, I mean, he had pecs. What happened to you?

KEANU: What do you mean?

KARATE LADY: I mean…

KEANU: I’ll tell you what I mean: you’re so beautiful, of course I’ll go out with you. Look at you. You look like a little china doll, China.

KARATE LADY: Actually, powder pecs, if we’re assessing porcelain skin and bones, you’re the china doll here. I look tall and tan and young and lovely.

KEANU: (confused) That’s cool.

KARATE LADY: (confused) Okay.

KEANU: So when do we get to go eat together at Mr. Chow? I love his noodles.

KARATE LADY: Uh yeah, me too.

KEANU: Do you think I should call him “Dad?” or “Mr. Chow?” or “Mr. Dad?”

KARATE LADY: Um, I think I’d prefer a salad at La Scala.

KEANU: Always?

KARATE LADY: Yes, always.

KEANU: Hunh. Okay. Wanna learn a different dance?

KARATE LADY: Sure… (sighs) Are you going to be filming a new Matrix sequel anytime soon?

KEANU: I dunno… Why is everybody always asking me that?

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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White Man’s Puff Claims Another Victim

“John Yoo, David Addington Testify On Torture, Detention Policies”



Jesus, dude. Lay off the torture tots. Er, I mean, tater tots.

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