Promotional photo for Kylie Minogue’s upcoming tour, to promote the new album X:
PUBLICIST: So that didn’t work, did it?
KYLIE: You mean my foray into the American market? No fucking way. I got so burned. What a pisser.
PUBLICIST: I really don’t understand it. People love hot legs. And you have such smokin’ gams.
KYLIE: I know, right? They’re almost as good as my ass. You’d think legs and an ass would be enough to sell more than 6,000 bloody albums in America. It worked for Jessica Simpson, and that bitch can’t even dance.
PUBLICIST: Or sing!
KYLIE: Or spell “sell.”
PUBLICIST: It can be a tough word.
PUBLICIST: Listen, let’s just focus on the album, and the tour. So I’m thinking… it’s called X. What can we do with that, conceptually, for the promo photo? Maybe we could do something in the vein of X-Men. You could wear an intense bodysuit and white wig and cape, and look like Storm! She’s hot!
KYLIE: Hmm. I’m not really sure I like that.
PUBLICIST: Or maybe you we could put you on one of those rotating wheels, spread out like an “X” while wearing a knife throwing assistant’s uniform! and there will be knives all around you and even one that you’re holding in your teeth. Amazing! That would be like visual sex.
KYLIE: It just doesn’t feel right to me. It just didn’t fit.
PUBLICIST: (annoyed) Okay, Ms. Kylie. Do you have any better ideas?
KYLIE: Hmm. Hmm. Hmm.
PUBLICIST: (chuckles) That’s what I thought!
KYLIE: I’ve got it!
PUBLICIST: You do?
KYLIE: GEISHA… meets Dynasty!
PUBLICIST: Uh… wha?
KYLIE: I want to wear more white makeup.
PUBLICIST: You did that in 1997, though, and uh…
KYLIE: Nobody will remember.
PUBLICIST: Um, yes they will. And I don’t think–
KYLIE: People will love it. Geishas are so fascinating! Everybody loves a Brit in geisha makeup! Call up the artist that does those Hoojacuckoo Gals with Gwennie.
PUBLICIST: Ms. Kylie, I don’t think geishas really have anything to do with X–
KYLIE: Yes they do.
KYLIE: They just do. Stop asking questions. Let’s get this show on the road. I’m so frantic that I’m tired.
PUBLICIST: You’re tired? Hunh. That’s funny, so are geishas.
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