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DISGRASIANtern Dispatch: Fashionasian

May 30, 2008 should be remembered, not only as the release date of the longest “Sex and The City” episode yet, but as the day the dreamy collaborasian between designer Alexander Wang and Japanese retailer Uniqlo became fashion reality.

The proposition came from Uniqlo, as much a surprise as a delight.

“I replied like, ‘Yeaaaaah’ and ran screaming to my brother and sister who I work with, just so excited.”

Fans and followers flocked to Uniqlo’s SoHo flagship to line up as early as 8 AM for an 11 AM opening. Meanwhile, Wang marveled as friends and family snatched up the adorable, reasonably priced dresses.

“It’s amazing, that’s just like wow, we didn’t announce it!” he said. “I mean, there were blogs and online things, but that people actually followed it means so much to me that people love the clothes so much they came here early.”

So modest, and so talented, that Alexander. So when will Uniqlo answer my fashion prayers and open a store in Chicago? Or start selling their lovely wares on-line?

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Charmed, We’re Sure

Ladies and Gentlemen, may we introduce…

…Intern Jasmine!

Jasmine will be writing a column for DISGRASIAN every Saturday, for those of you that get a hankerin’ for some damnasian over the weekends. Enjoy!!!

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Mmm, what’s more delicious than a hot cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee? That beautiful black tar has yanked me out of some of my most vicious New York hangovers, warmed my fingertips on the coldest of Chicago days, and–because my pal Jim’s parents are kind enough to FedEx him bags of grounds–gotten me through angry work days in Los Angeles. In a train, in a car, in my friend Pete’s house, outside my favorite corner bar. It is the universal coffee of happy goodness, rich, nutty, everyday yumminess.

And when I mean “hot cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee,” I don’t mean that wicked gross-looking, milky, iced variety that Rachael Ray was touting in recent DD commercial:

Yes, that’s right! I am offended by the stupid iced latte Ray is wearing in that picture. What a bastardizasian of good coffee! What an abominasian in the world of espresso! What a face-spittle on American coffee values!

Oh, and that purse/scarf combo? That’s a distracting bunch of accessories, I guess. Hardly as distracting as that offensive cup of joe.

Our favorite barking dog Michelle Malkin (and a bunch of her other fucktarded conserva-freak friends) was distracted by the scarf too. She yapped all week about how problematic she found it, on her infinite pile of worthless, conservative drivel blog (Ed. note– I can’t bring myself to link to it, so if you want to see, you’ll have to find it yourself):

[I]t was with some dismay that I learned last week that Dunkin Donuts’ spokeswoman Rachael Ray, the ubiquitous TV hostess, posed for one of the company’s ads in what appeared to be a black-and-white keffiyeh.

The keffiyeh, for the clueless, is the traditional scarf of Arab men that has come to symbolize murderous Palestinian jihad. Popularized by Yasser Arafat and a regular adornment of Muslim terrorists appearing in beheading and hostage-taking videos, the apparel has been mainstreamed by both ignorant (and not-so-ignorant) fashion designers, celebrities, and left-wing icons.

In response, Dunkin’ Donuts yielded and yanked the ads, even though they clarified that the scarf was merely a paisley print. The Boston Globe printed an excerpt of the official statement:

“In a recent online ad, Rachael Ray is wearing a black-and-white silk scarf with a paisley design. It was selected by her stylist for the advertising shoot. Absolutely no symbolism was intended. However, given the possibility of misperception, we are no longer using the commercial.”

I’m not surprised, but I am just delighted!

Why, you ask? Because I, too, think that everyone should believe all of the bullshit fear-mongering hype?

No, because I love animals!

And here, all in one cuddly room, we’ve got Michelle Malkin and her bunch of barking dogs… and Dunkin’ Donuts… a bunch of PUSSIES.

Who wants a flea bath?

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Thanks, Jasmine and the rest of you rabble-rousers!

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Just Burn It Down Already

TMZ reports that Hollywood’s Geisha House, a Disgrestaurant with bad sushi fusion that Jen and I unfortunately have to drive by on a daily basis, is currently being sued by former employee Darnell Davis.

The story unfolds:

Darnell Davis says he hauled his cookies from Atlanta to LA after a manager from Geisha House offered him a gig. He says when he got to town and another manager saw he was black, he was told no jobs were available. It was only after he says he forced the issue that he was hired. During his employment, Davis claims GH management made numerous racial comments and jokes around him, then ultimately fired him because of the color of his skin.

Dolce Group has, of course, denied the accuasasians, dismissing Davis as a disgruntled employee. Y’know, like Scott McClellan!

We’ve got the perfect solution for everyone, and it’ll save plenty of time in court. Just level the place! At least we’ll be happy.

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Sigh, thanks, Jasmine!

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It Sure Ain’t

Japanese pop star Kumi Koda releases her 40th single next month. The release will include a duet track with that hot mess you see above, Fergie.

Shockingly, the duet doesn’t appear to be weighty enough to warrant its own release, although OhNoTheyDidn’t readers have already posted the track, “That Ain’t Cool.”

Oh, that pretty much explains it. It sure as heck ain’t.


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Karma Police

After assessing the financial hit they might take–from a few million angry Chinese folks with a penchant for luxury items–after the face of their brand tossed last week’s tragic earthquake off as “karma” for the Chinese/Tibetan conflict, Dior apparently got their heads on straight and pulled all ads containing Sharon Stone’s crazy face from China.

The NY Times reports:

Dior released a statement in which Ms. Stone apologized, saying: “Due to my inappropriate words and acts during the interview, I feel deeply sorry and sad about hurting Chinese people. I am willing to take part in the relief work of China’s earthquake, and wholly devote myself to helping affected Chinese people.”

So Stone hurt the Chinese people, even though she “doesn’t think that anyone should be unkind to anyone else.” And then she got publicly shamed by the media and lost her lucrative endorsement deal?

Hmm. Is that karma?

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Thanks, Bryan!

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Happy 25th birthday to “Texanesian” bluesman Rama Claproth! Hey dude, why so blue at such a young age?

It doesn’t matter, man. We feel you, we feel you.


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Paranoid Android

To my Vietnamese broham, Trung Le, in Canada (or “Canadia,” as my college roomate once said),

Congratulasians on inventing your country’s first android! Hey, why is she in a wheelchair, may I ask?–Y’know what? Never mind.

Anyway, I have one real suggestion to improve your new robot girlfriend–er, friend.

When you cop an unwanted android feel, she should not wait a moment, swat gently at you, pause, and then state: “I do not like it when you touch my breasts” (as evidenced in the above video).

She should swat and state at the same time.

Again, just a suggestion.


Thanks, Thomas!

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Read It Another Daysian

The funny thing about any new exposé detailing the scams, lies, manipulations, Constitution breaches, and assaults on humanity committed by the criminally laughable Bush administration is that they tend to dramatically and methodically unveil no new information –yet each one is positively riveting.

I imagine that former Press Secretary Scott McClellan’s new memoir, What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong With Washington, functions that way. McCLellan claims that the Bush administration fueled the Iraq war with propaganda. Whoa, really? Shocker!!!

Still, I can’t wait to buy it. And still, the White House sure has their feathers in a ruffle over the tome. I haven’t heard this much heehawing since my sister showed a pig at the Lafayette County 4-H festival!

Current White House Press Secretary Dana Perino, God Bless Her, tried her best to undermine the whirlwind of press resulting from the book, tossing away notions that the President will even read it:

The book, as reported by the press, has been described to the president. I do not expect a comment from him on it – he has more pressing matters than to spend time commenting on books by former staffers.

You know what? She’s right. I thought about all of the other pressing matters that the Prez needs to be attending to and he definitely doesn’t have time to read McClellan’s dumb old book! Here are some of the things he needs to attend to first:

1) Learn to read

2) Speak at the Air Force graduation

3) Speak at a high school graduation

4) Sit for awhile and reminisce about his own high school experience

5) Ponder stuff

6) Contemplate the correct pronunciasian of “Korea”

7) Bug the Saudis for more oil

8) Re-watch his performance on Deal or No Deal

9) Call Dick and see what he’s up to (not a ton)

10) Request Cliff Notes for What Happened: Inside the Bush White House and What’s Wrong With Washington. Get distracted by reruns of Family Guy. Fall asleep.

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ROCK OF ASIAN: Sungha Jung

Sungha Jung makes us weep with joy. Is there anyone out there as talented as this boy? He seems to be spiritually one with his axe. How in the world could he slip through the cracks? Look at the way he interprets U2. Now take some time to hear all the songs that he do!


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Pathwaysians to Self-Righteousness

Zhang Ziyi may be happy: One actress made a point at The Cannes Film Festival to discuss her groundbreaking awareness of the earthquake horrors that had just occurred in China. It looks like wacktors and wacktresses know what’s going on the world after all!

Sharon “Not Just Stupid But Crazy” Stone vomited up this pile when asked whether or not she knew that the quake had occurred:

Here’s a transcript, just in case you can’t handle her face and voice at the same time:

“Of course I have. Well you know, it was very interesting because at first I am, you know, not happy about the way the Chinese are treating the Tibetans, because I don’t think anyone should be unkind to anyone else. And so, I have been very concerned about how to think and what to do about that because I don’t like … that.

And then I’ve been, this, you know, concerned about, oh, how should we deal with the Olympics, because they’re not being nice to the Dalai Lama who is a good friend of mine. And then all this earthquake and all this stuff happened, and I thought, is that karma? When you’re not nice that the bad things happen to you?

And then I got a letter from the Tibetan Foundation that they wanted to go and be helpful. And that made me cry.”

My, what incredible insight and mind-boggling influence! Not only is Stone a famous (aka important) actress (aka genius), but she’s tight with the Dalai Lama (aka popular!) and an emotional (aka melodramatic) self-sacrificing philanthropist (aka self-congratulating sad soul that feels the need to justify an empty existence by aligning herself with do-good trends) speaking her mind to the public!

Although, hmm. There’s just something–and I haven’t quite put my finger on what it is–about nonchalantly attributing a natural disaster that has killed tens of thousands and displaced millions of Chinese citizens… to karma. A massive “punishment” unleashed upon innocent citizens as payback for the decisions being made by their ruling Communist government.

I mean, I guess she could’ve just blamed the gays–like Hagee did after Katrina, or Robertson and Falwell did after 9/11. But that would have been outlandish, insensitive, stupid, and wrong!


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Bad Birthdaysian

According to TMZ, angry crazian supermodel Naomi Campbell spent the latter half of her 38th birthday weeping all over her dress, due to a public shaming by the ever-shameless entrepreneur Diddy. Apparently, he 86′d her from his boat in Cannes and she was forced to walk away with her tail between her legs and her head in her hands, perhaps pondering how she had fallen from grasian so dramatically. How does one go from being arguably the greatest supermodel in the world to a bad boat party reject?

Well, we have a few ideas:


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