Oh Vanessa Hudgens, you pretty little tartlet, whatsamatter? Are you knock-knock-knockin’ on Heaven’s door with a virus, like me? Do you have a soft spot for those O.G. sweatpants with the elastic hems because you find that they truly can be cute and comfortable (except, I will argue, when they are seventeen sizes too big), like Jen? Did you have a Jamie-Lynn Spears scare this week? Did Zac Efron make out with your brother?
Tell me, girlfriend, cuz you’s lookin’ such a mess. I want to help you, mostly because I’m worried about all the shluz and bactaria your sweatpant folds are collecting from the ground (that’s the clean-freak dad in me talking), but also because I’d simply like to see you smiling again. Give me a call. I’ll have a pint of Ben & Jerry’s at your house in a hot minute.
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