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Tila Tequila, Role Model

It didn’t take long for all kinds of celebutards to weigh in on the Miley Cyrus Vanity Fair photo “controversy.” Everyone from Rosie O’Donnell to those rocket scientists on The Hills to DISGRASIAN’s favorite role model, Tila Tequila, had something to say on the matter.

Tila’s pearl necklace of wisdom is as follows:

“I think it’s hot. When I was 15, I was doing the same thing except I bared it all…”

“She’s just showing her back.”

“She’s growing up.”

“I don’t think she’s doing anything harmful.”

(scenes from A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, season 1)

“If the media keeps pushing her, pressuring her, she might end up messed up.”


Hear that, Miley? Feel better after that pep-up speech? We thought you would.

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Thanks, Jasmine!

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Pandaplomacy

Ling-Ling–the female half (pictured right) of the couple brought to America by Richard Nixon in 1972 as a result of his initial peacemaking visits to China–died suddenly yesterday at the age of 23. She was the oldest living panda of her kind, outside of China, living in captivity.

We will miss little Ling-Ling, and we feel we knew her well. Here’s hoping she’s relaxing right now in a bamboo supernova in the sky. We’ll miss her fuzzy face!

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Thanks to G Scott and Chris for their concern, and Aaron for his favorite word!

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Charming Aspirasians

David “My Magic Isn’t Exactly Magic Per Se” Blaine held his breath for a record-breaking 17 minutes and 4 seconds today, an achievement that was broadcast live on The Oprah Winfrey Show. Immediately after completing the mind-boggling task, Blaine told Winfrey that the accomplishment had “always been a lifelong dream.”

It all kind of reminded me of my early years of dating, when every guy I brought home had just gotten off of a tour vehicle of some sort or spent much of their free time peddling records and buying vintage cowboy shirts. They would always look, unsteadily, with four eyes or a smidge of eyeliner, at my dad and talk about their hopes for the future.

It often sounded an awful lot like this:

“I definitely want to like, manage a record shop.”

“We’re gonna sell a bunch of albums. Maybe go to Japan!”

“I’ll probably take some classes sometime.”

My dad would always raise his eyebrows in bewilderment and nod us off. I knew that with our backs turned he would be shaking his head at me, imagining his youngest daughter barefoot and pregnant alongside a 40-year old record store clerk. “These guys,” he would say later, “they have no ambition, no goals. What kind of future do you think they will have?”

I assume that if he heard about Blaine’s long-held ambitions he would scowl something in the same vein: “Holding his breath is his lifelong dream? Tell him to breathe and go to college, get a job!”

Or maybe just “I hate magic!”

Or maybe both.

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ROCK OF ASIAN:The Pains of Being Pure at Heart

Most of you know of our aversion to the term “shoegaze,” and how we often loathe band names that sound more like sentences–but The Pains of Being Pure at Heart have gently rocked themselves into our own pure and icy hearts. The band is simply adorable, charged with power percussion and gentle bi-gender vocal harmonies, stretching across the speakers like a My-Bloody-Valentine-Jejune-Silver-Scooter-Rilo-Kiley-Rentals power punch.

Well, we must admit, there’s hardly anything painful about that!

Feel the pain here.

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Thanks, Jennson!

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Wack-ster Baxter

Oh dear. What to do when your pharmaceutical company’s product, a blood thinner named heparin, is linked to dozen of American deaths?

Blame the FDA? Blame your own company for not thoroughly overseeing the production of their own product?

No! It’s much easier than that. BLAME CHINA. And make sure you tell everyone that the Chinese did it ON PURPOSE, cuz everybody knows they’re trying to git us and it’s totally freaky!

Check it out! Baxter CEO Robert Parkinson knows how to do it:

We’re alarmed that one of our products was used in what appears to have been a deliberate scheme to adulterate a life-saving medication, and that people have suffered as a result,” Baxter chief executive Robert Parkinson told a US Congress panel.

That’s the way, Parkinson! Keep the focus off of Baxter. It’s the only way to save your asian, I mean ass.

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BABEWATCH: Nicole Joy Tan


Name: Nicole Joy Tan

Hails from: Australia by way of Singapore

Occupation: Actor

Why She’s a Babe: We hate to repeat ourselves, but we’re suckers for a cute Asian chick who can rock those bangs. And not only does Nicole have great hair, she also has great skin, sunkissed the color of a hot beach bunny (to which the above pic does not do justice). And she plays “Bec,” one of the bitchy popular girls, in our latest obsession, Summer Heights High, a hilarious, 8-episode, Australian comedy that our friend Nathan turned us on to.

HBO recently bought the rights to this Office-set-in-high-school series, in which creator Chris Lilley plays the three lead characters–so look out for it in June! If you can’t wait that long, buy the DVD here.

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A Croc o’ Shit

The AP reports this week that Japan has petitioned the Colorado-based maker of Crocs, the plastic clog commonly associated with gardening, hipster parents, menopause, vegans, and just plain ol’ wankers, to rethink its shoe design.

“Japan has asked the maker of Crocs to look into changing the design of its footwear after complaints that children who have seen people wearing the colorful plastic clogs have injured their eyes.

The Trade Ministry has issued the warning after receiving 65 complaints about Crocs and similar products causing bleeding from the eyes as well as confusion and horror between June and November last year. Most of the cases involved small children.”

Similar complaints about the relentlessly fug shoe have also come out of Singapore and the U.S.*

*This story is only sorta true. Our apologies to our Croc-wearing friends out there, who will no longer be our friends once we find out that they’ve been wearing Crocs.

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Interchasianable

A new Asian chick has joined the cast of Gossip Girl. And she walks and talks! And her character has a name!

We’re movin’ on up, to the East Side, to a deluxe apartment in the sky-y-y!

Only problem is, “Nelly Yuki” (as played by Yin Chang) is a NERD. If Diana were talking about her, she would say, “A total NNERRRRRRRRRRD.” So, yeah, I don’t mean that in a cool way. Take, for example, the “A” story of last night’s episode, which has Serena’s frenemy Georgina returning to the Upper Beast Side, chugging Cosmos, reconnecting with her coke dealer, hitting on older men, and drugging Serena’s diet Coke. Compare that to the Nelly “B” story, which has Blair’s academic frenemy (wait, what, they actually go to school??) and main competition for Yale pushing her chunky glasses up her nose a lot, lugging her violin case everywhere, studying for the SAT furiously, whining about her boyfriend dumping her, professing she is lactose intolerant, looking cross-eyed, and getting the batteries stolen out of her calculator by Blair before her college boards. RIVETING stuff, right?

It looks like Nelly “Let’s Get Retarded in Here” Yuki will stick around for a few episodes, but don’t expect a whole lotta sizzle from that steak. Examine the stills below, the first of which was taken when the other Asian chick “Kati Farkas” was on the show, and the second from next week’s episode:



Not exactly what I’d call progress.

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A Matter of Pride

What do you say to your buddies at the bar, later in the evening, on the night this happens to you?


“Yo dudes. Tonight was whack. I mean, I was swingin’ that hot bitch Cheryl Burke around. On Dancing With the Stars, you know, like the network TV show I star on. They’re thinking of changing the name, I think. Anyway, we were like, doin’ the salsa and shit. It was hot, man, boner city. Oh yeah, oh yeah, I’ve banged her. So like, we’re like shakin’ our hips or whatever–yeahhh–like that–and I’m wearing this fluorescent silky tank top, and suddenly, my arm just feels like a friggin’ knife is ramming through it. I can’t deal, I’m like, sweating. And I can’t even focus on my hips anymore and I’m just like, yelling inside, I grab my arm and she keeps dancing. And then she spins over to me for a dip and I just drop her on the ground. It turned out to only be a muscle cramp, guys, but it hurt. It really hurt though, guys. Seriously, like worse than any football injury I ever had. Um. So who wants another round of beer?”

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S.O.S.! Very Emergency!

JEN!!
JEN!!

OMG!

We’ve got an emergency here!! Tila Tequila is in desperate need of our help. Without it she may fall victim to “deathitis by disgusting filtheosis and tackiness-itis.” It’s a rare disease, but WebMD says it’s chronic, painful, and highly contagious!

Let’s start with an immediate surgical removal of that synthetic, strangling, bacteria-filled WEAVE. Good lord! She’s overheating! Let’s get that thing off of her! Oh NO! It may have already EATEN HER BRAIN. But let’s deal with everything else!


A BRA! STAT! THIS WOMAN’S CHEST IS ABOUT TO CAVE IN!

OH GAWD! JEN! We might need to call Sonya Dakar. This is a mess. A complete mess. Can you page her? Is she on call?

Oh my god. There’s no time. Look at that skin. It already looks like a festering meat pie. She’s so brave–I can’t believe she actually left the house in this condition. We can’t afford to wait! THERE’S NO TIME! NO TIME! GET THIS GIRL SOME LA MER OIL ABSORBING TONIC AND A REFINING FACIAL, STAT!!!

I fear we may be too late.

We may. Just be. Too late.

Call me (or page me),
Diana

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Hardass Asian Prep Schools

As a public high school graduate, I didn’t know what a prep school was until I went to college and found myself surrounded by kids who had gone to Exeter, Andover, and St. Paul’s, among others. I quickly learned that being a graduate of one of these elite schools meant you were better prepared to write a 5-page paper on, say, homoeroticism in The Iliad, more predisposed to wearing fleece, obsessed with being “mellow,” well-versed in “lax” (i.e. lacrosse), a lover or hater of the Dead; someone who used “summer” as a verb, was attracted to people in baggy pants, had an elaborate eating disorder, knew how to ski, and owned a bong or two.

Yesterday, the NY Times published a front-page story on first-tier Korean prep schools that serve as Ivy feeders, and they sound just as fun. Some of the things these schools have to offer:

  • a 15-hour school day
  • more than a month-longer school year than American high schools
  • discouragement of teen romance as “a waste of time”
  • weekend classes
  • an average combined SAT score of 2203 out of 2400
  • a daily schedule that begins with students rising at 6 for martial arts and ends around 2 a.m., when dorm lights are switched off

These schools seem exactly like their American counterparts, minus the prevalence of bong hits, Bob Marley, hacky sacks and, uh, anything remotely resembling freedom.

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Thanks, Dave!

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Rain-y Days and Mondays

Then and Now


Korean pop sensasian Rain showed up Friday at the ImaginAsian Center‘s special screening of Speed Racer looking nerdtastic! It’s a huge improvement from his artichokey, rent-boy look of yore. Well done, dude.

Speed Racer, in which Rain makes his Hollywood acting debut, opens May 9.

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