The Problem with Gun Control

March 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

The Supreme Court heard arguments Tuesday about the constitutionality of D.C.’s ban on handgun ownership. Experts believe that the Court’s decision will, in the hallowed words of Posh Spice, be “Major” in the gun rights v. gun control debate for years to come.

But we say constitutionality shmonstitutionality. What we gun control advocates need is a makeover, starting with the name. Look, nobody wants to be the one in control, except Janet, Miz Jackson if you’re nasty. Here are new name and policy suggestions for the lobby:

“Gun Cuntrol” – Control connotes moderation. Moderation is for schoolmarms and cockteases. Control does not spell out “A G-O-O-D T-I-M-E.” But slang for female genitalia? To quote Second Amendmentist Ted Nugent, Wang Dang Sweet Poontang…now that’s what we call a party.


“Guns Gone Wild” – There’s nothing that says “I’m Proud to Be an American” more than the insipid Lee Greenwood song and tits, tits, more tits, felony charges, Eliot Spitzer’s hooker, and another sprinkling of tits. One problem with the gun control lobby is that we haven’t offered gun-nuts a sexy alternative to disarming. But if “Put down your weapons and I’ll show you my tits” becomes our battle cry, every day will be like Mardi Gras.

“Guns ‘R’ Gay” – We all know gay=fun. So another way to re-”work” (in the RuPaul sense) the gun control argument is to make guns “a gay thing.” Gay Friends, we’re counting on you to take up arms and make them fierce, fashion-forward, and just a little bit effeminate. We’re talking spraying 9MMs the colors of the rainbow and flying pride flags out your rifle barrels. We’re talking Rosie O’Donnell sponsoring hunting parties for the LGBT community. Reappropriate the gun rights movement, and watch as Charlton Heston-types hightail it out of there like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah.

So, about that gun control debate.

What gun control debate?

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Thanks to Dave and Jasmine!

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