Pedestrasians

February 19th, 2008 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

Hey Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt,

Dude, high-five from your Vietnamese sister. What’s up, little man? You’re so cute. You’re so friggin’ cute. I’m so glad you’re not stuck in an orphanage in our homeland eating old rice with your fingers while wearing sandals made out of tires, peddling aluminum coke can helicopters to Isreali tourists. That would suck! Instead, you have scored in life, big time. You have an angelic face, you have bitchin’ hair, you still fit in little pants, and you have parents that will probably let you go out on Fridays and date before you’re 29 (bangs head on desk).

One thing: I’ve noticed over the last year or so, that since your supernatural adoption, you haven’t spent a lot of time on foot. I’ve been meaning to write you about this for months, but hesitated because I thought maybe you had a thing, a condition perhaps, some sort of foot measles or toenail infection or broken knees or something, and god, how awful would that be for me to bring up your “condition” on a public forum like DISGRASIAN? EEEK! I didn’t want to do it, no way. “Can Pax walk?” I only asked myself, because I was too scared that you couldn’t and that someone would think I was a total asshole for asking.

But then I remembered that Jen, my writing partner and pal, doesn’t judge. So I asked her if you could walk and she said yes, he actually went skiing last weekend! So then was like, fer sure that you could walk. PHEW! But just to get really really fer sure, I then found some pictures of you jumping alongside your mom (Side note: Where does she buy all of her flats? Are they all Lanvin?) so I think it’s all pretty much confirmed. You’ve got two feet, and you can get around on ‘em just fine. Sweet.

So just one thing. Not to be your Hardass Asian kinda-sorta-related-only-by-ethnicity sister, but shit, you’re no spring chicken, kid. I think it’s time to get to steppin’, if you know what I mean. And what I mean is, YOU’RE TOO OLD TO BE CARRIED.

I get it, you’re roaming all around town, you get tired, you’re a little guy, blah blah blah. But I have a solution for that. Maybe what you need is a pair of those shoes with the rolly wheels!

I gotta say, these things are pretty cool. They freak me out a little, but that’s just jealousy talking.

So in conclusion, I think you and your family seem pretty happy, but I definitely think that if your lithe mama has to tote your tush any longer, homegirl is gonna exhaust herself like an anorexic marathon runner. Feel free to call me with any questions.

Talk soon! xoxoxoxoxo
Diana

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