JEN: What’s up, lady?
DIANA: I’m tired.
JEN: (Yawns) Me too. Ugh.
DIANA: Oh dude, did you see that Bai Ling got caught shoplifting at the airport yesterday?
JEN: Shut up. Which one? LAX?
JEN: Oh my god! What did she take? Some duty-free Bulgari bags? Can I have one?
DIANA: Hmm. Actually, I believe it was two gossip magazines and a pack of batteries.
JEN: What are you talking about!?!?
JEN: Okay, first of all, who steals from a fucking airport store? Second of all, who doesn’t pay for batteries?
DIANA: Maybe she doesn’t have any money.
JEN: Watch this. (Calls to the front office, where intern Nicolai is on Facebook) Nicolai!!!
DIANA: (chimes in) Nicolai!! Come here!
NICHOLAS: (walks into the room, bitchily) My name is Nick. How many times do I have to tell you bitches that my name is Nick? And what do you want?
JEN: Do you have any money?
NICHOLAS: In my bank account or in my pocket?
NICHOLAS: No, I’m your free, unpaid intern. I do your bidding for the love, not the wages.
JEN: Okay then. Question for you: would you ever steal from an airport store?
NICHOLAS: (looks horrified) God, no! That is so gauche! (Pauses) Wait, like the duty-free shops?
DIANA: No, just the places with the candy and neck pillows and US Weekly’s and stuff.
NICHOLAS: Of course not. Is this some kind of insult? Typically I spend $20 bucks on two bottles of Fiji water, then I ask if they have The Economist, and if they don’t, I sigh and say I’ll just take In Touch.
DIANA: (gleefully) ME TOO!
JEN: And that costs you what, twenty, thirty bucks?
NICHOLAS: Hmm, without the water, maybe nine.
DIANA: And with a package of batteries, maybe sixteen.
NICHOLAS: What do I need batteries for?
JEN: Never mind that. Okay so, even you, poor, broke, you, Intern Nicolai, wouldn’t shoplift at the airport to get trashy mags and batteries to save nine or sixteen or thirty bucks.
NICHOLAS: No I would not and please go to hell.
JEN: Insubordination. We’re done here. Thank you, Nicolai!
(Nicholas walks away, confused.)
JEN: Let’s get a new intern.
DIANA: Totally. A hot one.
P.S. Wanna be our new intern? We’re hiring! Email your resume to email@example.com (you don’t even need to live in LA)!
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