Since January 7, when Iranian speedboats were reported harassing U.S. warships in the Strait of Hormuz and a voice identified as “The Filipino Monkey” told our Navy ships over the radio that “You will explode after…minutes,” DISGRASIAN (as well as Navy and Pentagon officials) has been working tirelessly to track down that little troublemaker. Not to beat our own flat chests, but after calling in a few favors and getting some muckety-muck friends of ours to pull major strings (we’re not at liberty to say how), we located the Filipino Monkey in hiding and iChatted with him about what really happened.
DISGRASIAN: Hey dude. So, like, were you or were you not on one of those Iranian speedboats?
FILIPINO MONKEY: I was not.
DISGRASIAN: So then you think it’s cool to punk the U.S. Navy? And to help start a war with Iran? What the hell is wrong with you? Did your grandmother beat you over the head with a hairbrush when you were a child?
FILIPINO MONKEY: No, no, no. This is all a terrible misunderstanding. [starts sobbing]
DISGRASIAN: Hey, hey. Cut the crybaby nonsense. Tell us what really happened.
FILIPINO MONKEY: [sniffs, gets shit together] I am a star. No one knows it yet, but I know it in my heart of hearts, that’s all that matters. My dream has always been to become the next…American Idol. But I am all the way out here in the Middle East, so far away. Sometimes I would sit by the water to get inspiration for my music, and I would always see these big American ships pass by, and I thought, maybe I can hide myself on one of these ships and get to your country to see the love of my life, Ms. Paula Abdul, in the flesh.
DISGRASIAN: Eww…we mean, uh, go on.
FILIPINO MONKEY: But that did not come to pass, so then I had this stupid stupid idea to buy a VHF radio and sing my music into it. And perhaps someone passing by might hear my velvety voice–my influences are Marvin Gaye, Stevie Wonder, and Jeff Buckley–and say, My God, who is this man? His voice has been touched by angels! And then they would go to America and tell Paula Abdul and she would bring me over and we would fall in love and make beautiful brown children.
DISGRASIAN: Okay! New subject. You know, a lot of people are wondering why you call yourself the Filipino Monkey.
FILIPINO MONKEY: I thought it was an excellent stage name. Plus, Filipino entertainers are hot right now–like Vanessa Hudgens, Vanessa Minnillo, Nicole Scherzinger–and I wanted to be part of the zeitgeist. If I say I am Middle Eastern, everyone will think I am a terrorist. Terrorists are not hot.
Anyway, about 10 days ago, I was just sitting by the water, minding my own business, lost in my dreams, and I began to sing a new song I wrote for my love Paula. It is what they like to call “a slow jam.” Are you familiar with “slow jams”?
DISGRASIAN: Yeah and, again, eww.
FILIPINO MONKEY: May I sing it for you now?
DISGRASIAN: Go for it. [Diana and Jen cover their iChat camera and whisper simultaneously, OMG! WTF?]
FILIPINO MONKEY: Okay. Here goes:
I’m coming to you
I’ma coming to you
yes I’m coming to you
Didja know it was me
Didja see it was me
Can’tcha see that it’s me?
When I come to Hollywood and find you
My love will forever bind you
In a thousand knots I think I’ll find you
When I’m coming to you, you won’t resist
You’ll take off my clothes and explo-o-o-o-o-ode
after just a few…minutes
DISGRASIAN: [coughing fits]
FILIPINO MONKEY: What did you think? You guys are in Hollywood…could you put in a good word for me to Ms. Paula Abdul? Please, pretty please, with sugar on top?
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