Growing up, I read Consumer Reports like other kids read comic books. Probably because it was one of my father’s favorite magazines, second to Scientific American. We weren’t in the market for appliances and cars all the time or anything, but when we were (about every ten years and only after Dad had jury-rigged the old machine with coat hangers and such to extend its life), reading up on why Nissan was better than Honda in the small sedan category that particular year or why Kenmore had the best warranties for stand-alone washers and dryers made me feel like I was part of the important decision-making of my family. That was huge because I was “the baby.” Consumer Reports armed me with information. It made me feel grown up.
So it is with great joy that I pass on not only the knowledge of value but that feeling of self-value by reviewing my first product: Guitar Hero Air Rocker. It made its debut at the Consumer Electronics Show this week, a trade thing that one of my friends attending described as being filled with “greedy nerds.” In order to play the $30 gadget, you strap on a belt buckle with a mini-amp and strum the air with a guitar pick. The buckle picks up your strumming, et voilà…you’re playing air guitar.
As the owner of Guitar Heroes 1, 2 (for Playstation and Xbox), and 3, Guitar Hero Rocks the 80′s, and Rock Band, not to mention 6 fake guitars, and having received endless joy and a sense of accomplishment (like when Diana and I slayed One on Expert) from all of these games, I can say with certainty that Air Rocker is guitarded by comparison. I know that I’m supposed to try out the product first before I wage war against it, but I refuse.
First of all, I don’t want another belt. I have this thing with belts where I buy them and never wear them. Then they sit in my closet for an eternity and I get pissed at myself every time I get dressed. My friend Gloria has a theory that I don’t like to be constricted. Probably true. Second, at least with the Guitar Hero/Rock Band games, you’re playing something that resembles an instrument. Shit, if I’m buying the right to strum AIR on ONLY 10 songs for $30, I might as well, instead, lock the door, cook up a huge vat of mac and cheese for sustenance, put on Led Zeppelin’s I, II, III, IV, Houses of the Holy, and Physical Graffiti, and jam until the end of next week, pretending that I’m Page. For free.
Or sell some chump a bridge in Brooklyn.
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