This week, Houston Rockets mascot Clutch, the morbidly obese bear, scored a shoe deal with Chinese athletic apparel company Anta. Anta also recently signed Rockets head coach Rick Adelman as a consultant and gave endorsements to Rocket players Bonzi Wells, Steve Francis, and Luis Scola…NONE OF WHOM ARE STARTERS. And why is everyone and their mascot suddenly getting sponsored?
“All of these people,” said Chien Lu, head of international marketing for Anta, “have touched Yao Ming. They have sat in proximity to him on the bench while he was catching his breath. They have tasted the odor of his armpits on their tongues. And whatever touches Yao Ming turns to gold.”
Upon receiving the good news that the NBA and its mascots are winning the hearts and minds of a billion people one sorta good player at a time, league commish David Stern splooged his pants and celebrated the holidays early.*
*Everything in this story is true except for that nonsense about the bear. Though Clutch is, in fact, morbidly obese and will be appearing on The Biggest Loser: Mascot Edition next season.
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