Oh Britney, Britney, Britney. I just got ready to watch your new video for “Piece of Me” and it got me all nostalgic, reminding me of the olden days when I worked out at the gym to the tune of “Oops!” and “I’m a Slave 4 U.” How I used to envy the shadowy sinews of your svelte seventeen-year old frame! How I admired your success at hiding a distinct inability to sing or speak in proper English. How I desperately wanted to move like you, ’cause GIRL, could you DANCE. You had MOVES!!!
What the fuzz has happened to your ability to hip shake? Seriously, I know you’re crazy, and your face is all toreUP, and you’ve got thighs like Thor, but none of those things should have an affect on your ability to move yo’ body. WHY CAN’T YOU DANCE ANYMORE? WHY ARE YOU JUST LAZILY SHUFFLING AROUND THE DANCE FLOOR? My grandma has a saying that goes something like, “if you aren’t going to be the best, kill yourself.” I’m not saying that you should kill yourself, ’cause that’s wrong or whatever, but I am calling you out on your half-assed two step. This shit is not gonna fly.
Listen to my grandma, Brit Brit, and next time you shoot a comeback video, show up for your choreography rehearsals.
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