Less Is Moe: Practically Part Two

December 11th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Jen

We’d like to extend a formal apology to Moe Tkacik of Jezebel.com, who, after reading that she had been named DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK, wrote on her site:

I was saddened to find that I had been named a “Disgrasian” recently on some blog that looks out for the interests of Asians. They took issue with the fact that I said I “practically am Asian.” Duuuuuude, I would never sincerely claim to be “practically Asian.” I mean, how would I ever get my kid into a decent college that way???? Kidding!

Duuuuuude, we’re soooooo sorry, Moe. There’s clearly been a communication breakdown between us, probably due to the language barrier. When we called you “disgrasian,” we thought you’d notice that there’s “Asian” in the word, which is, like, practically “practically Asian.”

So there was really no need to follow that with all this:

I was a Guailo, and thanks to its shameful legacy of colonialism most Hong Kongers speak passable English so, like, no way was I running around that shit trying to learn Cantonese and every one of its NINE motherfucking tones. Thanks to Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism everyone in China and Hong Kong soon too sort of has to speak Mandarin, so that is the language I went around butchering for most of the nine years total I spent living there.

It is soooooo cuuuuuute when you say things like “shameful legacy of colonialism” and “Mao’s shameful legacy of totalitarianism.” We soooooo appreciate the edumucation on such historicistical things, since we know nothing about them, despite the fact that both sides of Jen’s family fought the Japanese colonials in China, then they were either chased out of their own country or put into labor camps and tortured for fun because of Mao’s totalitarianism, and Diana’s dad grew up without a father because of Vietnam’s shameful legacy of both colonialism and communist totalitarianism clusterfucking at the same time. So thank you, thank you for opening our eyes (heehee, we made a rice joke) to, like, this fer serious stuff.

We also empathize with your struggle to assimilate in America:

…funnily enough, when I came back to an American high school, I’d spent so much time there some of my classmates actually did think I was Chinese…sometimes I am going to piss some of you off but really in the end I win because they’re paying me by the pageview anyway and pretty soon I’ll be outsourcing this shit to India…

People in our high schools thought we were Chinese, too! That’s key-razy! We have so much in common. And once you outsource your shit to India, we guess that’ll make you Indian, too! Cooooool! We’re so jealous!!!

Ya see, Moe, this was all a big misunderstanding. You have totally proven that you are practically Asian, though if you were, in fact, Asian, you would know that our shameful legacy of perfectionism kinda negates the meaning of the word “practically”; that’s like saying one is practically smart or practically good-looking or practically successful. Kidding!!! But we soooooo appreciate that you have a blog that looks out for the interests of, um…well, we’ll have to think about that one and get back to you.

sincerely with our heads bowed in shame,
“Some Blog that Looks out for the Interests of Asians”

Read all of the sweet things Moe’s peanut gallery had to say about us here, and put more ka-ching in Moe’s chong!

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