I suppose you didn’t get Diana’s letter last week, begging you to terminate your relationship with Jessica Simpson for the sake of our–that would be my and Diana’s–friendship. I suppose that even if you did, your response would be, “Who the eff are Jen and Diana? And SFW? I don’t have time for this shit. I’ve gotta go study film.”
Okay, fair enough. Then, mind if I ask, do you believe in another kind of relationship called cause-effect? Because I’ve been doing a lot of thinking about your new GF and I’ve come up with some interesting findings about what happens to people she gets with:
2002 – Boy band 98 Degrees breaks up, or, as they put it, takes a “hiatus.” Not long after, bandmember Nick Lachey marries Jessica Simpson.
2003 – Despite the fact that Lachey is on a hit MTV reality show with his new wifey and that 98 Degrees sold 10 million records during their brief career, Lachey releases a solo album SoulO (I know, soulAME), which sells only 171,000 copies domestically and tanks.
2004 – Jessica reportedly hooks up with Maroon 5′s Adam Levine, a cheesefuckfest that will go on over the next several years. During that period, Levine slowly morphs from a sorta cute frontman with an unhealthy obsession with Stevie Wonder to a gaggy, manorexic poseur.
2005 – While making The Dukes of Hazzard movie, Johnny Knoxville and Jessica, according to sources, knock those boots made for awalkin’. The movie is widely panned and nominated for 7 Razzies, including Worst Picture. Knoxville and his wife will eventually divorce, allegedly due to his infidelity.
That year, Jessica Simpson and Nick Lachey divorce, too.
2006 – Jessica Simpson and singer John Mayer begin dating. The two are quickly crowned the Most Slovenly Creatures of the Entertainment World. Their handlers urge them to break up because they are making the world an uglier place to live in. Mayer’s White Man’s Puff rises like baking bread.
Post-Jessica, Mayer appears in a Gap ad, looking not-puffy and, in fact, smoking hot (what? we’re talkin’ the John Mayer, right?!?). Nick finds love again with Vanessa Minnillo and the two move in together. Johnny Knoxville is photographed with a cute, not-tackola Asian chick on the streets of New York.
late 2007 – Jessica starts dating YOU, rising star quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys.
Can you see what’s on the horizon, Tony Roma? Do you consider yourself a superstitious man? You have to, you’re a professional athlete. So do you believe in something I like to call “bad fuck charms”? Because you’re with one, and it’s just too close to the playoffs for me to sit back and watch you do idiotic things like throw 3 INTs, ditch the running game completely and lose to the 6-8 Eagles like you did this past Sunday, thumb schmumb, while your GF cheers on your awful play from a luxury box like a hired hooker. Break up with the girl while you can and maybe, just maybe, you might still lock up home field advantage against the Packers for the NFC championship (of course, if you get to the Super Bowl, you will lose to the Pats, but that is an inevitability that whomever you or anyone fucks cannot change).
Winning is just one difficult phone call away (or text message, if you’re that kind of brute, which I totally endorse in this case). Think about it, that’s all I’m sayin’.
a lifetime Cowboy fan and observer of patterns,
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