A Threat to Internal Affairs: Tony Romo

December 13th, 2007 | 0 comments | Posted by Diana

If you are an avid reader of DISGRASIAN, you may have picked up through the f’ball talk that Jen and I are supposed to be at war. She is a lifetime Cowboys fan and I a Steelers devotee. If you don’t know/care about the NFL, just know that Pittsburgh and Dallas are longtime rivals. Ne’er are the two meant to be friendly-like, not in the 70s, not in the 90s, and not now.

From birth, I remember hating the Cowboys. Their clean white uniforms, the big blue star. The rivalry was just in my blood, because my blood runs black and gold.

But something happened over a few years ago. I realized that Jen is always going to be a Cowboys lady, and she is so with such conviction, and I love Jen, and I like football fans, so I had to really respect her devotion. She also supported my team when we went to the Super Bowl in 2006, which caused our solidarity to grow even more. Hate became “respectful and civil not-hate”, though I couldn’t quite admit it out loud or to my family.

And then came Tony Romo.

I first saw Tony “A Place for Ribs” Romo on the field as he helped smash the joy of the Colts in November of ’06. He made Peyton Manning sad, and that made me happy. Who was this guy? Why did he have such a friendly-looking smile? Would he make Peyton Manning say “fuck!” in frustration again? If so, I’d be happy to watch.

And this season I’ve watched more Cowboys games than I ever have. On a good day, Romo is so damn impressive–he looks so great in the pocket that I wonder if he has eyes on the back of his head (but that would kinda be cheating, which is more of The Patriots’ strength). On a bad day, he’s humble, apologetic, and overly thankful to his team for helping to save his sorry ass. Basically, he’s an all-around nice guy, and the Cowboys are doing great this year, and as much as I can’t believe I’m gonna say it, I’ve started liking the Cowboys. Yup, that’s right. The deal has been sealed by the young Mr. Romo.

So it was with great disappointment that I discovered that the alleged relationship–which I long denied–between Sir Romo and that awful, disgusting, stupid, pointless, useless, irrelevant celebutard Jessica Simpson has now been confirmed, if only by the paparazzi photos of him joining her family to pick her up from Burbank airport this weekend.

YEEEEEEEUCH!

This is way more intense than y’all think. And so I’ve got a little message for the douche–er, dude:

Dear Tony Romo,

What’s up? How are you? Is there any way you can get your hands on a Cowboys starter jacket circa 1982 for my friend Jen? Her brother has a bitchin’ one that he won’t let her wear, but she really wants one and would wear it every day. Just a thought!

Anyway! Jen and I are really good friends, and we write this blog DISGRASIAN together, we’re writing partners, yknowwhatimean? We’ve always agreed about almost everything, except I’m a Pittsburgh fan (sorry) and she loves you guys. Which is cool, we’ve built a bridge over a number of years, and we now collectively support both teams AND remain friends. It’s a beautiful thing.

But here’s the thing, and this is where you get incolved. You are threatening this bridge and this friendship and this partnership. You could be the end to DISGRASIAN.

Why?

Because I cannot with good conscience be a fan of you if you are dating Jessica Simpson. It’s gross, and it’s lame, and I worry that if you think that much with your dumb dick, you’re never going to be able to take home a Super Bowl ring. Just a thought.

So please, please, please end this now. It’s early enough to just nip it in the bud, and I think it’ll be better for you overall. Just think of the good you’ll be doing, the lives you’ll be helping. You don’t want to KILL DISGRASIAN, do you? You don’t want to END WHAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A LIFELONG FRIENDSHIP, DO YOU????

Oh good.

Then have a great post-season.

xoxoxoxoxox!
Diana

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