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DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR! Readers’ Choice

Happy New Year all! Instead of us deciding who deserves the coveted mantle of DISGRASIAN of the Year, we thought we’d open that up to you, dear readers. Who did you think was the biggest disgrace to the race? Who sold out their peeps with the least amount of shame? To whom did you want to send hate mail? Who made you vomit in your mouth every time you logged onto the interweb and came across their grody visage? Below you’ll find a sampling of the contenders, followed by our DISGRASIAN of the Year exit poll. Now get crackin’, we’ve got some shampers to drink!









DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR!

Who deserves the title of DISGRASIAN OF THE YEAR?

Shinzo Abe

Bastardly.com

Jackie Chan

Naomi Campbell

Bai Ling

Sanjaya Malakar

Michelle Malkin

Masi Oka

Gwen Stefani

Tila Tequila

View Results

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Goodbye Kitty

And now, introducing…Hello Kitty! For men!

Sanrio company spokesperson Kazuo Tohmatsu explained the reasoning behind the line to the AP:

“Young men these days grew up with character goods,” said Tohmatsu. “That generation feels no embarrassment about wearing Hello Kitty.”

Really? Perhaps they should.

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I, Robot

“Hell. o. My name is. Mc. Kenzie. Ross. I am. Ann. Curry’s daugh. ter. This is me. in Teen Vogue. I am made. from the same parts. as. my mother. and. this Vespa. I cannot. dance. either. Not even the. robot dance. But people say. I have nice. human-looking. skin. And my teeth look as real. as Hilary Duff’s. It is a pleasure. to make. your acquaintance.”

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Bad F*ck Charm Addendum


2007 – After being blamed the world over for causing her current boy toy’s Tony “Roma” Romo’s worst NFL outing, Jessica Simpson brings bad fuck to her own box office. “Blonde Ambition,” a romantic comedy starring Simpson and Luke Wilson, opens the weekend before Christmas in extremely limited release (eight Texas movie theaters) and earns a whoppin’ $1,322, the exact cost of Simpson’s last botched lip job. Luke Wilson, meanwhile, makes a New Year’s resolution to never shoot another movie with a fellow Texan whose name doesn’t end in…”Wilson.”

To read the complete Bad Fuck Charm Timeline, click here.

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Thanks Greenie!

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Wanted: Real HaraGossip Girls

TV Guide reports that some opportunist/smart reality producers are casting their way towards a knockout future hit that could find some life during the seemingly endless WGA strike: a reality version of CW’s HaraGossip Girl.

They offer excerpts from a freshly discovered casting notice:

“Are you the real Gossip Girl?” the notice asks. “Maybe an adorable Seth Cohen prepster who hates TV? Either way, we’d love to chat with you. We’re looking for NYC prep-schoolers for a reality show [to air on] a major youth-oriented network. Most importantly, we are looking for attractive-but-mute ‘ethnics’–black, Asian, Latina, or any colors of other, to fill in the background*”

Any of y’all need a job?**

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*the boldest text isn’t actually a part of the casting notice, but seems like it could be true.
**if any of you actually even thought of applying, we want to smack you.

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DISGRASIAN OF THE WEAK! The Assassination of Benazir Bhutto

So much has already been said about the assassination of former Pakistani Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto that we’re pretty sure we don’t have anything earth-shattering to add about the sad sad news.

But here are the things that we do know:

  1. Bhutto was not only the first female leader of the modern Muslim world, and a counterpoint to religious idiocy, she was also a glamazon who knew how to rock a headscarf and red lipstick.
  2. We don’t trust anyone with “perv” in their name.
  3. The Bush Administration asked Bhutto to go back to Pakistan and reprzent for democracy, but they couldn’t help get her car windows tinted or more adequate security detail? Even D-list celebrities can hook up that shit.
  4. Osama bin Laden (‘member him?) is still chillin’ in Pakistan, makin’ wacko home movies and god knows what else. Wassup with that?
  5. When I was learning about President Abe Lincoln’s assassination in junior high and figuring out how to spell the word, my teacher Mrs. Hall broke it down on the board like so: ASS + ASS + i + NATION.

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Liquor? We Don’t Even Know ‘Er…

Jen and I have spent countless hours writing together at DISGRASIAN HQ, and boy can it be tough. It takes a lot to get us through the intense zeitgeist filtration–many therapy seshes are clocked in, lots of vices indulged, handfuls of anti-anxiety and performance enhancing (we feel you, MLB) pills popped. But the thing that really gets us through it all is afternoon booze. Where the hell would we be without the three-martini lunch? Okay, it’s not always martinis. We go through Bloody Mary phases, and mmm do we love Armagnac, and rose wine when it’s seasonal, and it’s always time for scotch. Always.

The point is, afternoon liquor is a savior, kind of like sweet Baby Jesus on a bad day. The ladies of DISGRASIAN simply encourage the drinking lunch. We can’t imagine getting through the day without it (we may as well have grown up in Connecticut!) and hope that no one ever has to.

Yes, technically that makes us alcoholics. Oh go blow yourself if you’re judging us. We’ve written some fucking funny stuff through the inebriasian.

So when we heard about the Chinese liquor ban in the city of Xinyang in Henan province, that essentially prohibits public servants and Communist Party officials from taking their 3-bev lunches, we almost pyyyuuuked. And when we found out that Chinese liquor firms, some of whom have lost a third of their sales due to the ban, were fighting this bullshizz… well, we immediately know whose team we were on. Public servants and Communist Party officials deserve a break today, y’know?

Fight on, Boozers! We’re with you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Upgradasian

Ohh boy! Looky loo at my lil’ Vietnamese soul bro Pax Thien Jolie-Pitt! His slacker haircut, that sly smirk, the bitchin’ blazer… he’s undergone a full makeover from the shy days of the past and homeboy looks GOOD.

Oh, Pax, baby, I like your style– screw the competition for cutiest of patootiest in that family (the bar is high), you’re forging the new title of MOST BITCHIN’. And we love it.

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BIRTHDAY CELEBRASIAN!

Happy 33rd Birthday to DISGRASIAN Hall-of-Shamer Masi Oka! We still can’t believe that after 289,080 minutes of life (we figured the math out in our heads just like you would), you haven’t quite gained the poise and cool to make you, well, very cool at all–but when it’s your birthday we do our best to be nice. So we hope you throw down many a martini tonight…and hang out with your nicest friends… and hit on some hot ladies with a successful outcome. Just cut loose, and try not to make a fool out of yourself, even though that may be difficult.

Was that nice enough?

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ROCK OF DISGRASIAN: DZK and F.a.T.

While most people, ourselves included, have tried over the last eight months to make sense out of what happened at Virginia Tech in April, or put it out of our minds because it’s too horrific to deal with, or get over the fact that Seung Cho was Asian and a lot of people still think that our peeps are waiting to go apeshit on college campuses, Northern Virginia rappers DZK and F.a.T.–aka Red Giants–have come up with the ultimate coping mechanism in “VA Tech Aftermath”: get rich and fuck the dyin’.

The song, which includes a sample of Seung Cho’s videotaped rant against people he perceived as his spoiled, rich peers, contains these really really smart lyrics on how to deal with the horror of that mass murder:

“I bought the plot where they buried this freak/ And installed not one but three ATM machines…

This message is to you in college/ We don’t care about you and your problems/ You can flip out, stressing over some loot/ It doesn’t really matter how many weapons you shoot/ We’re still ballin’/ Hold up, just let me check my wallet/ I left a message for Cho, hope it’s warm in hell for you/ It’s V-A callin’/ We just wanted to tell you ‘still ballin’!”

Awesome idea, guys! I think this is how we should deal with all kinds of tragedy. When bad shit goes down, like when people get killed and stuff, you gotta make as much ca$h money as possible to really show dead mass murderers what’s what. Yeah, that’s right. So all y’all out there better still be ballin’, or bad shit is gonna happen. Or, bad shit’s gonna happen but it don’t matter if your wallet’s fat. Or something along those lines. Sheeit, this is confusing. Maybe this makes no sense. No, it’s a great idea. I’m still ballin’, you’re still ballin’, we’re all still ballin’, so suck it, Seung Cho! Yeah, that’s right. Peace.

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Happy Holidaysian!!!

I’m here to ruin Christmas!

Hi Everyone!!!

Maybe you’re celebrating a very merry holiday this week–with visions of sugarplums dancing in your head, sounds of parental criticism ringing in your ears, and smells of memorable Christmas combos (like fried turducken and grandma’s spring rolls) tickling your tongue. Whatever the case, we hope you have a nice couple of days with family or friends… we’ll be hunkered away with our parents [Jen and Diana bang their heads on the table], so we’re taking a few days off. Talk to you on the 27th!!!

Miss us,
Diana and Jen

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AMAZIAN OF THE WEEK! Margaret Yen

Name: Margaret Yen

Occupation: Music Supervisor

Known for: Creating the ambient landscapes of Thank You for Smoking and Me and You and Everyone We Know and making our favorite part of Juno–the bitchin’ soundtrack–which felt like a mix tape we would’ve made for someone we had a fat crush on. Some of the tracks dearest to us include Sonic Youth’s rendition of The Carpenters’ “Superstar,” Mott the Hoople’s “All the Young Dudes,” and the Velvet Underground’s “I’m Sticking with You.”

Click here to buy the soundtrack and put it on when you’re sick of playing those Christmas LPs.

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